Restore, Chapter 4--When Things Don't Go As Planned

You probably know that is a picture of our youngest daughter, Dinah. What you don't know if you weren't with us that day, is that she was dancing. 

While I was readying in the bride's room for the ceremony, I got a text from my friend, Alesha. It was a video of Dinah dancing to the instrumental music that we had playing as our guests were being seated and waiting for the ceremony to begin. She swooped and twirled, swayed and sashayed in time to the music. (She loves to watch Barbie movies and I am assuming this is where she got all of her beautiful steps from because she has never had a lesson.) One of her favorite people, Mr. Taft came by to hug her in the video. She never misses a hug from Mr. Taft but she got away from hug as quickly as possible so that she could continue dancing. 

If this had happened with my first child, (not that Ty would have been doing ballet anyway), or even my second, I might have been upset that she wasn't behaving properly, sitting next to her Nana and sisters. As I've gotten older though and with each child, I have realized that there are somethings that are ok. And if she wanted to dance while she was waiting, so be it. It made me smile.

At this point, I assumed that she would be sitting down after the service started. We had considered letting the children stand around us as we exchanged our vows but we felt that Dinah, being 3 years old, would not want to stand there so I installed her Papa, Eric's father, on a particular pew just to care for her while my mother sat alongside them with the older children. Papa brought stickers and a coloring book for her. I just knew she would want to sit with him. 

Eric and I did not walk down the aisle to begin the ceremony. We wanted to be able to experience the music and the speaker without being on display down at the front of the church. We didn't even enter the back of the church and go up to the balcony until after the welcome and Beth Mitchell was singing the first song. The first thing I noticed as I sat down, (beside the fact that it was difficult to sit down in that dress) was that Dinah was still dancing. 

Even the cool, laid-back, older mom in me was a little uncomfortable with this. We all thought it was precious BEFORE the ceremony, but now too? I noticed my older daughters were motioning violently at the end of their pew for her to come to them. The whole time the only sound she made was to turn toward them and "Shushhhh!" them loudly with her finger over her mouth. It was if SHE was telling THEM to quit interrupting the service. 

I was concerned for Beth. I was proud that she was holding it together. Dinah was looking to Beth to know how the music would go. When the music stopped, Dinah held her pose and looked at Beth like, "Is that all?" I caught myself and told myself to let go and not worry about it. I didn't want it to distract me from the day. I took a deep breath and didn't let it bother me. 

We were blessed to have Tommy Wilson deliver a sermon for our ceremony. His text was from Isaiah 40: 28-31.

"Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.
 He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.
 Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;
 but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

He spoke about how that 15 years ago, Eric and I probably thought we knew how our lives would go. That in our minds we had a plan. We all think we know how the story will go. We have our hopes and dreams that we pray become reality. And that as we stand here today and look back, that our lives probably didn't go as planned. He alluded to our wedding day and our "honeymoon", and to the fact that wasn't probably what I had always hoped. (I had never spoken to him about that so he didn't know. God did though.) He said that because of this we, even us who are "youths" had grown tired. That we "stumble and fall". 

He continued to say that even though the first 15 years didn't go as planned that didn't mean that the next 15 or 30 or until death do us part, can't be wonderful with God's help. If we keep our eyes on Him and place our "hope in the Lord" that He will "renew our strength" for the coming years. Our past doesn't have to define us. It will just be a place so that we can show later how far God as brought us.

He mentioned that as we planned this day and this service that we probably didn't "plan" on a 3 year-old dancing through the service. But it was beautiful all the same. God has a plan too and even though it isn't the same as ours, when we follow Him, there will be loveliness.

Dinah danced through the next song. She sat beside us as we knelt at the altar in prayer. She hugged our legs. She sat on the steps as we renewed our vows. She didn't say a word the whole time. It was if God sent an angel to hold her hand and lead her around that day.

My Ty, Tess, and Amelia were fantastically behaved and my mama gets a medal for taking care of all of them all morning, that afternoon and the next day. What would we do without our mama's?

One thing that I didn't plan on those 15 years ago was this big beautiful family, but God sent them to me anyway. His plan is so much better than mine. (Always thinking of our boy, Jack, who is already with Jesus, when we have a family portrait.)

Ty, our oldest, said he was excited about this ceremony because he missed the first one. :)

Restore, Chapter 3--Stay With Me

As you read these words, look at these pictures, and listen to these songs, I want you to see how desperate we are for renewal. Even though you will see smiles in other pictures as God gave us joy on this day, it was really hard and the process was sometimes painful. We love each other, but sometimes earthly love isn't enough. Its not easy to love like He loves. We are clinging to God's Promises for dear life. Because of those Promises, we stand and say, "I will stay," and "If you fall, I'll fall with you."

__________________________________________

“I’ll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I’ve swallowed. I remember it all---oh, how well I remember---the feeling of hitting the bottom. But, there’s one other thing I remember, and remembering I keep a grip on hope. God’s loyal love couldn’t have run out, His merciful love couldn’t have dried up. They are created new every morning.”

Lamentations 3:19-23, The Message

Stay
Words and Lyrics by Dave and JJ Heller

When you can't feel a thing
After too many stings
When you forget about grace
The world is a lonely place

Stay with me
You'll be surprised
There's a world of color
Beyond black and white
Open your eyes
Let in the light
You'll see when you stay with me

When you can't hear a thing
There are no words to sing
You keep your heart where it's safe
But the world is a silent place

Stay with me
You'll be surprised
There's a world of color
Beyond black and white
Open your eyes
Let in the light
You'll see when you stay with me

Hold on
Be strong
Believe in love

“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. 
They weep as they go to plant their seed, 
but they sing as they return with the 
harvest.”

Psalm 126:5-6, NLT

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Restore, Chapter 2---Resentment and Reconciliation

15 years ago when Eric and I were married, we had a small ceremony, no music, no reception with just our family and one of my special friends standing around us. My mom made my dress out of material we found on the sale table for $2/yard. (It was really beautiful, by-the-way.) Eric borrowed a sport coat. I put together some silk flowers for a bouquet and boutonnière. My Aunt took snapshots. We stood as a group at the altar of the old Oakland Baptist Church sanctuary on a Monday night (because that was the only night Eric wasn't playing baseball that week) and said our vows to one another. After it was over, we opened a few gifts in the pews and then went to China Palace to eat. After we ate, Eric and I went to his house, my new home, changed and then went to Wal-Mart. 

The next day we went to Tupelo and stayed in the Ramada Inn overnight for a Senior Legion tournament with a baseball team of boys. It worked out that Eric got to stay in a room with me that night instead of with the boys. The next morning we woke to our car having been decorated by the baseball boys with shaving cream with cans tied to the bumper. The boys never knew it and I don't think they would have understood but when I saw that car it almost brought me to tears. Because I hadn't had much of a to-do over the wedding, the shaving cream and cans made me feel special. That night at the Ramada was referred to this as our honeymoon.

I was perfectly happy during those days. I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. I was practical. We used the money that my mom had for the wedding to buy a car. I was terribly shy, so I thought it was a gift that I was able to enjoy the ceremony among those I was comfortable with, instead of standing scared in front of a crowd trembling because I was so nervous. The ceremony was really sweet. We were able to focus on what we were saying instead of how we looked or if the flowers and the food turned out just right. 

I didn't want to be a bother. I was going to just follow him and make his life easier, never harder. I wouldn't ask anything of him. I was just so in love, I didn't care how I got to be married. I just wanted to be with Eric 24 hours a day and I wanted to do whatever it took to be able to do that legally and honorably. 

It wasn't until the months and years after our wedding when the happy life that I had imagined wasn't realized that I began to resent Eric for not making sure I had what every bride should have. I had given up all those things for him. I knew that he hadn't asked me to do that for him but he should have seen it. He should have appreciated it.  It just became something else I blamed on him. I felt it was just another thing to show that he really didn't love me that much. 

I don't remember ever talking to him about how it made me feel. I guess I thought that he wouldn't understand and it would probably make him angry. He was always frustrated when I thought something he did or didn't do indicated his lack of love for me. 

When we talked of this renewal ceremony, I was taken aback about how much much these feelings surfaced. Little things would catch me unaware and I would find myself sobbing. I had buried a lot of the hurt and it was rising now. 

It had Satan written all over it. But God used it for good. I was able to talk about it with Eric and he didn't become angry. He said he was sorry and that he didn't know. How could he really if I didn't tell him? This time there were no hidden sacrifices or desires not voiced. I told him what I wanted and we did what we could to make that happen. He lovingly acquiesced to the vision I felt I was given. Even though this was never intended to be "the big wedding we never had", facing these feelings and working through them is part of the healing and I'm glad that I have had the chance to put them to rest. 

Not everyone gets a chance to do things over. We, thankfully were given that gift. I didn't know when we started this how much our hearts needed to mend. Wading through the hurt is so worth it when you get to the other side and you can look back and see how God has worked through the difficulty. 

(Doesn't my man look great in a suit?)

Restore, Chapter 1---Community

This post has been a while in the making and as I sit this evening and attempt to put it all together I realize that there is too much to share for just one post. I will begin at the beginning and work and blog until it is all said. 

As I search for words to introduce the subject, I feel it is best that I use words that have already been written and not seen by all of you. We sent this letter out to a small group of family and friends a few weeks ago. 

Dear Friends,

Only a few of you know that Eric and I have been having a particularly difficult time as husband and wife lately. Some of these troubles have been around since our beginning. Instead of really confronting and dealing with the issues when they reared their ugly heads, they were hastily glazed over or not even looked at before they were swept away into a closet that held all the things that we couldn’t or wouldn’t think about at the time. That closet became so full that the door sprung open and the mess spilled into our “neat looking” home. These last months we have been desperately trying to clean up the garbage and try to find a way forward instead of giving up. 

June 29th will be our 15th wedding anniversary. In January, Eric and I talked about renewing our vows. Time passed and we talked ourselves out of doing it. I mean, why would anyone want to do that? You can do it privately, right? I didn’t want just a big show and, frankly, I was frightened. 

It scared me that we might fail again. This time more publicly than the last. You see, even though we see God at work in us and we are dealing with the problems, they are still there. Satan plagues us with our insecurities and weaknesses. We are under attack, my friends, and I knew that standing in front of others wanting to begin again would set him upon us worse than before.   

Well, the other day, I felt like the Lord spoke to me and told me that we needed to do this. It would not just be a “renewal of vows” but a restoration ceremony. He gave me the order, the songs, what He wants us to say. After talking it over with Eric again, we proceed. 

I believe God wants us to do this for 3 reasons:

--So that, together, we can celebrate the faithfulness, kindness, mercy and love that the Lord has extended on us, the undeserving. These 15 years have not been without blessing. Although there are other reasons to be thankful, Ty, Tess, Amelia, Jack and Dinah are at the top of that list.

--So that we can show others that might be having difficulty, they are not alone and there is help. I have had people tell me, “I wish we had what you and Eric have.” Others have thought we are “perfect”. Natalie Grant sings, “There’s no such thing as perfect people; There’s no such thing as a perfect life”. We aren’t perfect and we want others to know that they can do as we seek to do, “Come as you are, broken and scarred, Lift up your heart and be amazed and changed by a perfect God.” 

--He wants us to stand in front of all you, open in our troubles, weak, and tired, sometimes wanting to give up. In that brokenness, He wants you to be the witnesses to our PLANTING OF A FLAG OF BELIEF to say that HE WILL RESTORE. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________                 

In the days that led up to this service. I felt the Lord confirmed our decision to do this over and over. One of the things that I read during this time, was a entry on Ann Voscamp's blog with guest blogger Max Lucado, called "Step One: When You Feel Like You Are Sinking Fast".

I don't know about you, but even this over-sharer keeps some things to herself. Especially the things that hurt the most. It is difficult to admit you are suffering. It is hard to say why. Satan loves to place us under condemnation of our own making. We look around and we think we are the only ones failing. It is easier to cover it up, pretend, and hide. Sadly, it seems that we masquerade the most around the people that we should be able to be the most transparent with.

In this openness, we don't have to share dirty details. If the people you share with only want the details, then you probably shouldn't be sharing with them. As God's people we should care about the person, not the juicy gossip that can be wrung from the situation. It is the response we are afraid of. What will they think of me? Will they talk about me? Will I somehow become  an untouchable, one that no one will associate with? I think that praying for the sick is very important but is that still the majority of the items on the prayer list? I think that shows we are SCARED.

Even though there are some that will have that bad reaction, I believe in the best of the Church. There are people there waiting to embrace you with their arms, their love and their prayers. We mustn't let the fear of some keep us from the help of most.

Max writes,

"Tough times stir the hermit within us. We want to hide out, run away and avoid human contact. In reality, we need community. Lean on God’s people.  

Cancel your escape to the Himalayas. Forget the deserted island. Be a barnacle on the boat of God’s church." 

Would the sick avoid the hospital?

The hungry avoid the food pantry? 

Would the discouraged abandon God’s Hope Distribution Center? Only at great risk. His people purvey His presence.

He goes on to describe the events that take place in Exodus 17:8-13 New Living Translation (NLT)

^"8 While the people of Israel were still at Rephidim, the warriors of Amalek attacked them.⁹ Moses commanded Joshua, “Choose some men to go out and fight the army of Amalek for us. Tomorrow, I will stand at the top of the hill, holding the staff of God in my hand.”¹⁰ So Joshua did what Moses had commanded and fought the army of Amalek. Meanwhile, Moses, Aaron, and Hur climbed to the top of a nearby hill. ¹¹ As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. ¹² Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. ¹³ As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle."

Moses raised his arms in prayer for the battle but he became weary. Aaron and Hur were there to keep holding his arms up even when he was tired so that Israel and the Lord would win the battle. On June 29th, we asked for help. We asked for aide to brace our weary arms that had become noodle-like because they had been raised in prayer for so long.

I shared that day that as I thanked those that came to support us, that it isn't just about a difficult marriage. There are a lot of things that we struggle with here on this earth. We all need help at times. How many battles have been lost because we didn't ask for help? How many battles have been lost because we didn't offer help?

Oh, church! That we would share the battle! That we wouldn't be scared to say we are tired! That we wouldn't run away from a soul that looks like a hot mess! That we would be brave enough to REACH OUT, to STAY, and to spend our time HOLDING UP weary arms in Jesus Name!

The Fun Parent

I don't think we are the only ones, but in Eric and my relationship as parents, there is a fun parent and a not-so-fun-parent. I won't fool myself one bit by thinking that any of you thought I am the fun one. I know it. I own it. I'm the heavy.

It has been like this from the beginning. When Ty was just a baby, we lived in Melody Park, just off of Proper street in Corinth. We were across the street from the house where Eric spent his life from the age of 6 months. He started talking about how Ty would get big enough to ride his bicycle over to the "Y" (Sportsplex for you young folks), just like he did when he was a kid. When he mentioned this the first time, I am sure that I was stunned for a few moments, jaw dropped, and breathless with flashes of car crashes, child abduction, and weeping. When the flashes stopped, I think I went crazy on him. Over time, when the thought came to his mind and lips, I was able to calmly remind him that there is a bit more traffic on Harper Rd. now than there was in 1970. And that with Ty being 6 months old at the time, I couldn't imagine him going anywhere without his mommy, no matter how big he got.

I was fortunate to have relatives that would gladly watch the children while I grocery shopped but sometimes it didn't work out or I just wanted to make sure and not over burden anyone so I took them myself. When they were tiny and rode on or in the cart, it was much simpler. When they began to speak sentences and say, "I want to walk, Mommy" things became sticky. Now that the older children are 13, 11 and 8, I don't necessarily make them have a hand on the cart at all times as before, but I am always scanning the aisles like the President's bodyguards do when they survey a scene.

Eric, however, does not and has not ever required the cart-clutching that I enforced. Our small children would run at least (wincing here) 30-40 feet ahead of him. Sometimes, he doesn't keep them in sight. You can gasp. I know I do. There is nothing that makes me pray to the Lord for belief in His promises when Amelia announces like she had an adventure, "I got lost in the store today, Mama! Daddy said not to tell you."

To explain a bit about my shopping precautions, ingrained in my memory for all time is a story that my mom told me as a child. I believed my parents when they told me something. I remember being in the Wal-Mart on Cass Street. I don't know if we were acting up and running away from her (I really can't imagine doing anything of the sort) but she shared with us that a child had been taken from her mother in a Wal-Mart (I don't remember where). She was snatched from her mother, taken to the dressing room where the abductor changed the child's clothes and put a wig on it and took the child right out of the store. I'm pretty sure I steered clear of the dressing rooms and clutched the cart everyday after that.

Eric is not only laid back about security, but he is also a Coach. The man has a college degree in Physical Education.  P. E., people. You know? Everyone's favorite subject right after lunch? He has lots of experience and is very talented. If you have ever seen him in action, you'll know why I call him the Kid Whisperer. A gym full of wild 5 year-olds will become silent and do activities in an ORGANIZED manner. He's like the Pied Piper of children.

I however, like to sit quietly for long periods, or if moving, enjoy walking in nature silently absorbing God's glory. I watch old movies without color, some of which are musicals. I read excessively. I also love a good nap. If a child was going to list qualities they would like in a parent, I don't think any of the above would be listed.

I tell you all this to let you know that, today, I got to be the "fun parent". Eric and Tess have been gone to camp this week. That leaves Ty, Amelia and Dinah to hang with Granny and I. Granny hasn't been sleeping well again, so that means I haven't been sleeping well, which equals, not good. Granny has also began to be regularly confused more often. That means we all have to be more vigilant about making sure someone has their eyes on Gran as much as possible so that we can be ready to help her as needed.

Usually, Eric is home and he loves to find good things to do outside the house. Since he hasn't been here, I'm afraid Lancaster life has been a bit boring. I wanted to alleviate some of the monotony, so today, despite the chance of rain, Teresa came to sit with Granny so that we could go swimming at Bitsy's. Dinah had water day at school and Papa made sure that she was taken care of. So, early in the afternoon Ty, Amelia and I set off for Rienzi.

It was raining slightly when we got there, but we could see the blue sky coming our way (well, not really, the rain clouds were moving, not the blue sky, but it sounds good like that so I'm going to leave it. I just didn't want my scientific mother to be ashamed), so we camped out under her deck on a cool patch of patio and ate the Little Caesar's pizza we had picked up for our lunch. The rain and rumbles moved away just as we thought they would so we were soon in the sunshine and cool water.

I brought a book to read in between my lifeguard glances. I was kind of excited to be there without Dinah in tow. I could really relax. I had the book laying on the table. I just thought I'd get wet first so that I wouldn't be hot. After I was in the water, I thought floating around a bit would be nice. While on the float, Amelia asked, "Why don't you get in the water, Mama?"

I replied, "I'm in the water, Amelia."

Ty suggested, "Why don't you ask her why she isn't swimming, Amelia?"

"Mama, why don't you swim with us?"

"This is peaceful Amelia."

"Painful? Why is it painful, Mama?"

"No, Amelia, its PEACEFUL."

"Why would you do something that is pitiful?"

I was laughing by now. I slipped off my float, took off my cap and sunglasses and swam to catch her.

Before I knew it, my hair was wet, I was jumping off the diving board for two "judges", and wearing goggles that covered my eyes and nose that made me look "funny". Water went up my nose. I was breathless because I can't remember the last time I held my breath for anything. My thighs got burned because of the slap the water gave them when I dove too shallowly. I got consistent 5's from benevolent "judges" who gave me points for effort. I talked to Ty about playing "under water tea party" on the floor of the shallow end. (Please tell me someone else did it too. He had no idea what I was talking about. Was it a girl thing?) I lay on my back in the water and FLOATED. The last time I remember floating was in grade school on a pond.

Since Ty was born, there has always been a little one in the water with me. A child that if they didn't have to be held, needed to be watched carefully. My legs didn't see sunshine for at least 10 years. Only my shoulders tanned from my standing waist deep in the shallow end. Those years weren't always fun for me. There were days I would have rather been on a lounge chair with a good book or on a float making sure that my skin tone actually allowed me to buy something other than "ivory" foundation. A lot of those days instead of having fun, I was just keeping my offspring from drowning. I was good at that, though and that is what I needed to be doing so I did it willingly.

TODAY, I was the FUN PARENT. And you know what? I liked it.

Even without Eric there or maybe because he wasn't there, I was able to catch myself, weigh the comment before I made it, and hold back a little. I only reminded Amelia one time to not scream, because I would never know when she really needed help. I was able to let her squeal a little bit more today and not mind. I kept myself from telling Ty to quit hanging upside down off the side of the pool so that I didn't have to perform all the CPR I had practiced. I glanced his way a few times and then he went right-side up in the pool by himself after a few minutes. I choked back the cautious today and we were ok.

Eric and I balance each other well. If we were both "fun parents" all the time, you wouldn't want to sit by us at church or LET your children play with ours. If we were both cautious and predictable, we would be so boring, no one would WANT to be around us.

Eric helps keep my good fear (the common sense God gave us) from becoming a bad fear (the kind that Satan uses to control us). And, its okay that when he comes up with an idea that I'm there to mention the 30 ways it could kill us. We can make informed decisions that way. :) The rule follower, prudent side of me keeps us in check sometimes when we need to be watchful. Balancing trust in God and being wise isn't always easy. I'm glad, though, that I know we NEED HIS HELP and it is something that we spend time on, ponder over, and pray for.

I know that in the coming years as they leave my arms in life and say "I want to walk, Mommy" in a figurative sense, I'm going to have to do this over and over again. Because even though it scares me a little, I don't want my children to be cart-clutchers their whole lives. Today was good practice for the new phase of motherhood that is coming. The phase where I'll need to just pray more and boss less. Maybe, just maybe, their definition of a "fun parent" might grow to include black and white movies and a good read.

The Move

By now you have probably heard that, Eric, my husband, is leaving Biggersville. He has taken a position at Alcorn Central High School. He will be coaching baseball there, but he will be assistant high school baseball coach. Not head coach. I know that some folks were confused on that point. He will be coaching jr. high baseball and another sport yet to be decided. He will teach 8th grade history as well.

I don't think that it is any coincidence or chance happening that God would have me declare my love for Biggersville schools a mere month before I knew that we would have to leave it. I had no idea that Eric would accept a job at Alcorn Central when I wrote that post. The way we feel about Biggersville hasn't changed. Eric has been a coach at there for 18 years. During those 18 years he had many opportunities to leave and go elsewhere. But every year he chose to stay. Until this year.

To those of you who have, without asking why, told us that you will miss us but will be praying for us and supporting us wherever we are, thank you. Thank you for loving us that way. To those who honestly ask and listen to what we say, we thank you as well. We appreciate that you took the time to ask us why instead of putting words in our mouths.

We have had some folks congratulate us and in the following conversation they state something like, "Well, no one should fault you for trying to advance yourself." or "Movin' on up, aren't you?" Those comments are well meaning. They are wishing us success. I guess they didn't realize how it sounded.  We have heard another more negative observation. I won't repeat it because it isn't only hurtful to Eric and our family, it could be upsetting to the students that he taught and coached.

We would like you to know that we don't see this as a "step up". Eric has chosen to "step down" in a way.  He could still be head coach at Biggersville or somewhere else.  As I mentioned earlier, in the years that Eric was coach at BHS, on average he got an offer to go somewhere else yearly, to places that others would have seen as "better" than Biggersville. He didn't take them because he felt he was where he should be. He did what he thought was best for the students, the school, and himself then as he does now. The BEST place to be is always in the place where God wants you. Success is measured in more ways than with trophies and accolades. The investment in coaching isn't just in winning. The investment is in the child. To impart a character that shines in the winning and the losing. I know he wants to do this at Alcorn Central as an assistant as he did at Biggersville as a head coach. 

One of the good things that came from the responses to this move is that my heart and voice rose to defend my husband's choice for us. (I can talk about him but I don't want anyone else to. :)) I wasn't very happy with this decision at first. I cried and cried privately. I called out to God to ask Him to help me understand and to be able to move forward. I didn't want my children to hurt by having to leave their comfort zone, their friends, the teachers and the place they love. I had to admit that Biggersville was my comfort zone as well. Change is hard. But, in the process of "standing by my man", God helped me and I began to see the positives as well. 

Another valuable lesson that I hope we learn from this is how to respond to others' choices. It helps to be on the receiving end of criticism or have misinformation spread about you at times. "So this is what that feels like." I hope it will be mirror to help us see where we have failed in the past and how we can improve in this area in the future. 

Eric will be going to coach with Jarrad Robinson. Eric met Jarrad and his dad when Jarrad played at the park in his early teen years. Jarrad played for Eric on his Senior Legion team 15 years ago. Eric followed Jarrad through his college years and then his teaching and coaching ones after. He is excited about the opportunity to coach with his friend. He is looking forward not only to his coaching at Alcorn Central, but the opportunities he will have as a classroom teacher. His schedule, subject area and the grade level he will be teaching are suited to his strengths and tastes.

Please pray for us as we make this move. The children especially need your love and support. We have LOVED our time at Biggersville. We GRIEVED over the decision to leave. We will continue to MISS it for a long time. But now that the decision is made, we are EXCITED about what God has planned for our lives as Alcorn Central Bears.

Love Hurts

"Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and mars

Any heart not tough nor strong enough

To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain

Love is like a cloud, holds a lot of rain

Love hurts, love hurts"

Love Hurts~Everly Brothers

I've been having trouble with my heart lately. It seems to be regularly breaking. Some of the reasons for the wreckage, sadly, are usual ones, but it seems to me, that even more grievously, that there are new reasons, coming from the places that my heart were supposed to be SAFE.

I've never had the ability to just not care. I ALWAYS CARE. Some of the problems are big ones but some of them aren't. Lack of confidence and a need to be loved have put me in such a place of vulnerability (both of these I realize are my own issues that need to be worked through), small things slay me. The offender may not even realize what they had done. Or if they did, why in the world would someone get upset over that? After the hurt, it takes so much for me to "put myself out there" again, but I try all the same.

Lately, though, I have to keep battling my reaction. I want to just shut up shop. Slam the door. Bolt the lock. Hang a message on the door that says, "CLOSED". Put my back to it and slide into the floor, and say, "There. You won't get me again."

To be honest, I have had moments where I sincerely considered running away--States-on-the-U.S.-map, away. After that moment when skipping town seems to be the only answer, the next moment reveals all the new hurt it would cause.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Sometimes, I would probably wish for an "unbreakable" or "impenetrable" heart to save myself, but I know I've never and never will desire an "irredeemable"one.  

As always, I write these things when the pain is not as sharp and the days are not as dark. I don't have the ability to compose when the hurt is fresh. I have to wait for the scab to form and the scar to begin before I can have perspective enough not to just rant with my fingertips against the keyboard. 

I know I am not the only one. I am sure many of you feel alone at times, maybe often. I might even be the reason for one of those times of pain. If I was, I am sorry. It stinks, doesn't it?

The most important One that isn't a stranger to this feeling is our LORD. All through history, those that He loves so dearly, betray Him, deny Him, laugh at Him, ignore Him, blaspheme Him, lie to Him, and only run to Him when they need help.

As I reflect on this, being one of those that He dearly loves, and treating Him thus more often than I can count, I am thankful for my hurt. I am thankful that it slaps me in the face. That it draws my attention to my own sin, against Him and others. 

Isaiah 63:8-9

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁸ He said, “They are my very own people.
    Surely they will not betray me again.”
    And he became their Savior.
⁹ In all their suffering he also suffered,
    and he personally^[a] rescued them.
In his love and mercy he redeemed them.
    He lifted them up and carried them
    through all the years.

"Surely they will not betray me again."

But they do.

But He, the One True God, "in all their suffering He also suffered,":

"...personally rescued them. In His love and mercy He redeemed them. He lifted them up and carried them through all the years."

I'll keep my heart that breaks, in hopes that in it's brokenness, I will somehow learn to love as He loves.