Restore, Chapter 2---Resentment and Reconciliation

15 years ago when Eric and I were married, we had a small ceremony, no music, no reception with just our family and one of my special friends standing around us. My mom made my dress out of material we found on the sale table for $2/yard. (It was really beautiful, by-the-way.) Eric borrowed a sport coat. I put together some silk flowers for a bouquet and boutonnière. My Aunt took snapshots. We stood as a group at the altar of the old Oakland Baptist Church sanctuary on a Monday night (because that was the only night Eric wasn't playing baseball that week) and said our vows to one another. After it was over, we opened a few gifts in the pews and then went to China Palace to eat. After we ate, Eric and I went to his house, my new home, changed and then went to Wal-Mart. 

The next day we went to Tupelo and stayed in the Ramada Inn overnight for a Senior Legion tournament with a baseball team of boys. It worked out that Eric got to stay in a room with me that night instead of with the boys. The next morning we woke to our car having been decorated by the baseball boys with shaving cream with cans tied to the bumper. The boys never knew it and I don't think they would have understood but when I saw that car it almost brought me to tears. Because I hadn't had much of a to-do over the wedding, the shaving cream and cans made me feel special. That night at the Ramada was referred to this as our honeymoon.

I was perfectly happy during those days. I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. I was practical. We used the money that my mom had for the wedding to buy a car. I was terribly shy, so I thought it was a gift that I was able to enjoy the ceremony among those I was comfortable with, instead of standing scared in front of a crowd trembling because I was so nervous. The ceremony was really sweet. We were able to focus on what we were saying instead of how we looked or if the flowers and the food turned out just right. 

I didn't want to be a bother. I was going to just follow him and make his life easier, never harder. I wouldn't ask anything of him. I was just so in love, I didn't care how I got to be married. I just wanted to be with Eric 24 hours a day and I wanted to do whatever it took to be able to do that legally and honorably. 

It wasn't until the months and years after our wedding when the happy life that I had imagined wasn't realized that I began to resent Eric for not making sure I had what every bride should have. I had given up all those things for him. I knew that he hadn't asked me to do that for him but he should have seen it. He should have appreciated it.  It just became something else I blamed on him. I felt it was just another thing to show that he really didn't love me that much. 

I don't remember ever talking to him about how it made me feel. I guess I thought that he wouldn't understand and it would probably make him angry. He was always frustrated when I thought something he did or didn't do indicated his lack of love for me. 

When we talked of this renewal ceremony, I was taken aback about how much much these feelings surfaced. Little things would catch me unaware and I would find myself sobbing. I had buried a lot of the hurt and it was rising now. 

It had Satan written all over it. But God used it for good. I was able to talk about it with Eric and he didn't become angry. He said he was sorry and that he didn't know. How could he really if I didn't tell him? This time there were no hidden sacrifices or desires not voiced. I told him what I wanted and we did what we could to make that happen. He lovingly acquiesced to the vision I felt I was given. Even though this was never intended to be "the big wedding we never had", facing these feelings and working through them is part of the healing and I'm glad that I have had the chance to put them to rest. 

Not everyone gets a chance to do things over. We, thankfully were given that gift. I didn't know when we started this how much our hearts needed to mend. Wading through the hurt is so worth it when you get to the other side and you can look back and see how God has worked through the difficulty. 

(Doesn't my man look great in a suit?)