I was told that the company would call me when they placed the stone. They had not called when I went to the cemetery that day so seeing it for the first time was unexpected. Dinah was with me. I stood there looking at the grave of my baby boy holding my newborn baby girl in my arms.
When I first prayed for another baby after Jack's death, I thought that I would never feel whole again unless I had another baby. My wait for another child revealed that even though being pregnant again and having a baby might help me, it wouldn't heal me in itself. A baby wouldn't "fix" me and even if it did, the poor thing shouldn't have the responsibility of "fixing" their momma. Only God could accomplish the healing I needed.
In the days after Dinah's healthy birth, as I enjoyed my time with my precious girl, I still cried for Jack. When I held her, fed her, changed her, I thought of him. It wasn't the same hard, breath-taking grief that I had experienced before. It was a more gentle kind. A quiet longing, that I realized I would probably carry forever despite the great work of healing and restoration that God had accomplished in me.
As I stood there holding another "sunshine", I thought of how big he would have been now and how I wanted to see him. But I also thought of this passage as I had many times in these last 2 years:
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (The Message)
The Master's Coming
13-14And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus.
15-18And then this: We can tell you with complete confidence—we have the Master's word on it—that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they'll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God's trumpet blast! He'll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise—they'll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we'll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words.
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I thought long and hard before posting this picture. I know that some might be aghast at my posting a picture of a gravestone. I might have been one of them a long time ago. Is this something I need to share? I came to the conclusion that it was. Because I have shared previously about this in "You Are My Sunshine" and I had such a response from you, I thought that you might want to see how it turned out.
I still cry. I still miss him. But, I have hope in the future. A future where I won't have to stare at a stone. One where I'll get to reunite my family and see it whole again.
Becoming,
Anna
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