Loving As We Watchfully Wait

I know I have been dreadfully remiss in updating you all as far as Granny is concerned. As I look back now, I realize that I haven't done so since MAY! For those of you who are new readers, my Gran moved in with us in March of this year. To catch up on our shared time with her click HERE or check out the posts under the label "Caring for Gran".

There is much that I haven't posted here. In part because I wasn't ready to talk about it and in part because we have been so busy, it was easier to put off this post that I knew would be difficult to write.

To cut to the chase, Granny has what looks like, acts like, and spreads like cancer.
The reason I don't say, "Granny has cancer", because we haven't had a slue of tests run to prove it.
But, we know that it is growing and that it is on the move.

When Granny moved in with us, it was with the knowledge that her stay was "open-ended", as a friend described it. We knew that she had dementia. But it wasn't the kind of dementia that comes with a disease and a timeline. Now, the end is not as open as it was.

A while back when Granny was able, she did a brave and helpful thing. She made out a living will. In that will she told us, her family, what she wanted regarding her healthcare. In doing that, she gave us a gift--the gift of knowing that we are doing what she would want.

We don't have to say, "I think I remember her saying...." or "I really don't THINK that she would want that."    

We KNOW what she wants because she wrote it down on paper for us and signed it.

Knowing that piece of paper is in the drawer, we wait and we watch.

No tests, no surgeries, no treatments.

So far, she is not in any pain other than her usual joint aches. She seems just a bit weaker but not greatly so. The issues that we have are the ones that we were already dealing with--confusion and erratic sleep patterns--they just seem to have escalated a bit.

We have hospice coming now and I have been grateful for their assistance. It has been nice to have a well connected medical support system only a phone call away. I can say that in the week and a half that they have been visiting, Granny has been doing better. She has seemed more "Granny" these past few days than she has in weeks.

When it was decided that Granny would come live with us, I knew it would be hard. I wanted to do it anyway.  Now the hard time is here. And to be honest, there have been moments in the past couple of months that I think that I won't be able to do this. When I haven't slept for more than 30 minutes in a row for a week, I wonder if I will make it.

God and I have had more than a few 2 a.m. conversations. The most heated one on my side being the week that Eric and Tess were gone to camp and my mom was gone to Italy and something in Granny made her have her marathon non-sleeping sessions. "Really, God? This week? You decided this week was the week we should do this?"

I plead with Him on those nights and in the days too. I plead for Granny's mind to be stilled. I plead for rest. I plead for Him to touch my anxious, tired soul so that I can be good for Granny, patient and kind like she deserves. I ask Him if I'm still doing what is right. Am I balancing my duty and love for my Granny with that I owe to my husband and children?

 After talking with God and my husband and my children, I feel like that we are to continue on the course that we started on. My mom and my aunts are working with me to make sure that we care for her the best way we can without drowning me in the process. Her condition changes and we, who are feeling our way through darkness not traveled before, are learning as we go. And as my friend Susan, who has experienced all of this with her mom, reminded me in a recent conversation, I must continue to be in constant prayer. Seeking His wisdom for even the smallest of things. Listening hard for His voice. "What do You ask of me today, Lord?" That I may do nothing more and nothing less.  

This past week, I saw another dear "Granny" I knew and loved, lying beautiful in her casket, her soul already at rest with her Lord. She had lived life full and had been loved well. Seeing her there made me more resolved to do the best I can for our Gran. To love her, care for her and protect her (even from her own self if needed), as long as she has left here on earth. With the hope to honor her now more than I will be able to give in memory of her later.  

 Learning to live this verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9 (AMP)
But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! 

Thank you for remembering us in your prayers.  

When Life Isn't Sunshine and Roses

In telling the story of Gran and I, I have tried to be honest and present things the way they really are but also, in the words that Bing and the Andrews Sisters sang, in life and on the blog, I've tried to "accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, an' latch on to the affirmative" and not "mess with mister-in-between".



Well, I'm glad you enjoyed that piece because I'm about to deviate from that course of action to provide a little transparency.

I probably don't have to tell you that life isn't always sunshine and roses. It is easier when I write and then edit and edit and edit to tell you how it is all good, how I know that God is at work, and how appreciative I am of this experience. And honestly, I KNOW those things are true. Its just that here in my home, in reality and not on a computer screen with words, there are times I may not look like I KNOW. You might even say I look like I've never even HEARD of all those pious statements, much less believe them.

As I referenced at the end of my last blog post, I believe that God allowed me that rest on Mother's day weekend to prepare me for the coming days (or nights to be more exact).

The problems started on Monday morning. Granny was really confused and stayed awake in that state for 48 hours. On Wednesday night, she finally rested. Poor thing looked so peaked and pale on Thursday. She slept most of that day and all night that night. I thought we had turned a corner and that she would be much better after that. Not so. She slept a total of 2 hours (15 min increments) on Friday night and then slept a total of about 30 minutes on Saturday night.

Needless to say, by Sunday, I was not a nice, happy person anymore. Gran was better on Sunday but I could probably total the sleep and rest that I had for the week counting the hours with only the fingers of my two hands. No sleep=Anna-no-one-can-stand-to-be-around.

My nights had been filled with following Granny around while she wandered, answering her seemingly endless line of questioning, listening to her scoff at my answers, holding back hot tears, choking on my self-pity, begging God for at least 2 hours of sleep put together so that I wouldn't lose my mind.

Then the guilt:

I failed Granny. The poor woman didn't know that she had driven me to tears. She didn't know that she was keeping me from sleeping. She didn't know day from night. She didn't know that she had to be supervised all the time. She didn't know that I put her to bed 20 times at night. She didn't know that it was midnight instead of noon when she asked for a sandwich. She didn't know why she didn't want to finish it after I made it. She didn't understand why I didn't want to wash the dishes and let her dry after she was done.

I failed my family. I was short with my husband and shouted at my children. They didn't understand that I couldn't just go rest anytime I wanted. They weren't present for all of it to understand. I vented to my mom who can understand because she's been there and in doing so I made her feel bad for not being there more. The poor woman has no time to herself and I make her feel bad.

I asked for Gran. I wanted her to come here. I knew it would be hard. 

The same cycle began all over again yesterday evening. I think more of my fatigue at this point is mental. I fight the impulse to worry about tonight's rest or to be upset about something that I think will happen.

I know she is where she is supposed to be and that I am doing what is right by taking care of her. I love her. I know I want more comfort for HER and not for myself. I pray I change. I pray I rely on His strength and not my own. I pray that I can practice true selflessness someday and throw resentful selflessness in the garbage (because that isn't real anyway, is it?)

I don't write this to complain. I write this to let you know that it is a demanding, draining, difficult mission at times, and, that for now, those times are more often than not.  I write so that my fellow caregivers will see that when they feel like they aren't going to make it another night, they aren't alone in their struggles. It isn't easy all the time for me either. I write so that if you remember to, that you might offer up a prayer for us caring for our elderly loved ones. And most of all, I write to remind myself of what I KNOW.

Beautifully, after the darkest night, morning comes, I drink a strong cup of coffee, and everything becomes alright again. Gran laughs at me for looking so be-draggled and cranky and tells me I need to go back to bed. I laugh with her and say, "You know it." I make toast and know I'll be able to keep it together for one more day.

Then, like a balm for my wounds, Granny hands me her wrinkled, well-read (she reads it 10 times a day at least), paper copy of "The High Calling of an Everyday Life", and asks me if I've read it. I tell her that I wrote it. She smiles modestly, and says, "I didn't know I was that good." I give her a squeeze and tell her I love her. I thank God for one more night, even if it was a hard one.

Like always, God ministers to me through the songs of others. Right now this is the one that I'm feeling the most because, OH, how I need Him!

"Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You,
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh, God, how I need you."

"Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay"

Matt Maher - Lord, I Need You Ft. Audrey Assad (Official Lyric Video) from matt-maher on GodTube.

What If God's Plan Is "Everyday"?

The theme for May at Mississippi Women Bloggers is "Women Who Inspire Us". My friend Megan ('Tis So Sweet) asked me to participate by submitting a guest blog. I'd had some thoughts in my head for a while and had not been able to get them to flow into my fingers yet. I believe God saved them for this topic. I hope you will read "The High Calling of an Everyday Life" over at Mississippi Women Bloggers.

This Far

Granny likes to sleep in. I mean really SLEEP IN. Left to getting up on her own, noon is the norm. I tried when she first came to our house to wake her in the morning and have her sit up as much as possible. She would lay down for a nap in the afternoon, then get up for supper, watch a movie and go back to bed. I thought that would be a great schedule. It wasn't.

Gran was up and down 10-20 times at night every other day or so. (I don't exaggerate.) She would then fall asleep soundly around 4 or 5 am and if left alone wouldn't move until the afternoon. After a few nights like that, I was sleeping until the afternoon as well.  

I needed a new strategy. My mom was on board with my schedule plans. She thought that was good for her too. But one day she said, "Annie, she's 85. Just let her sleep." So I did.

It is working. Unless she sleeps until 2 pm, I let her get up on her own. She doesn't nap and then she sleeps well at night. 

Whenever she gets up, she likes to have coffee and toast at the kitchen table. She eats, reads her daily devotional and reads the Daily Corinthian. If she gets up at lunchtime, I let her eat her breakfast and I eat my lunch. 

This morning she got up earlier than usual, so we had breakfast together. She at her place at the table and me at mine. (It's my new spot because when she came, she took mine. :) I don't mind.) This morning after we ate, we continued to sit at the table. I noticed something that made me smile. She read out of her big breakfast bible (she has used it for years just for her morning devotionals), her copy of a large print Guideposts, and the paper. I however, used the computer for my bible, my devotional, and my news. (I do keep a notebook and pen with me to write down things that I want to remember.) We sat there in companionable silence, sipping our coffee, meeting Jesus, checking in on the world around us and got ready for our day.

I began thinking about David. About the time in I Chronicles 17 (NLT) when Nathan told him all that God had showed him in a vision about David and his descendants.

⁷ “Now go and say to my servant David, ‘This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies has declared: I took you from tending sheep in the pasture and selected you to be the leader of my people Israel. ⁸ I have been with you wherever you have gone, and I have destroyed all your enemies before your eyes. Now I will make your name as famous as anyone who has ever lived on the earth! ⁹ And I will provide a homeland for my people Israel, planting them in a secure place where they will never be disturbed. Evil nations won’t oppress them as they’ve done in the past, ¹⁰ starting from the time I appointed judges to rule my people Israel. And I will defeat all your enemies.“‘Furthermore, I declare that the Lord will build a house for you—a dynasty of kings! ¹¹ For when you die and join your ancestors, I will raise up one of your descendants, one of your sons, and I will make his kingdom strong. ¹² He is the one who will build a house—a temple—for me. And I will secure his throne forever. ¹³ I will be his father, and he will be my son. I will never take my favor from him as I took it from the one who ruled before you. ¹⁴ I will confirm him as king over my house and my kingdom for all time, and his throne will be secure forever.’”

Then David prayed in verse 16:

“Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?

It was in a Beth Moore's Bible study on David that first drew my attention to this verse. She settled on it for herself and her family and I felt the same way she did. Though neither of us have been given what David has been given (a dynastic line to Christ), we both feel humbly overwhelmed by God's blessing on our lives. 

As I sit at the kitchen table, I think about all the things that have happened in Granny's lifetime, my mother's and mine, that could have turned our family's face away from God. Hard, horrible things that came because of others bad choices or our own. Then I think of all we have been spared. All the things we haven't had to go through. And lastly, what a gift it is to be able to sit here and worship the King in a warm, snug, dry kitchen with full bellies and satisfied thirsts. I sit with a heart so full of gratitude for a lineage of believers on both sides of my family. I didn't have to go searching for the answers, I grew up with them being presented to me everyday by imperfect people, whom God had given much grace. 

And if you knew all I know you would know why it is that I also pray in awe this morning, "Who am I, O Lord God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?" Oh, thank you, Lord, for "THIS FAR".

"I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I will lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain."

Psalm 143:5-6 (NLT)                                  

  

Love, Books, and Crochet Hooks

Granny has been doing amazingly well the past week or so. She seems to be less anxious, more clear, and relates more to all of us.

She is doing word search puzzles, she reads the newspaper everyday along with her devotional. She also reads books and magazines almost daily. She seems more engaged when watching her old movies. Even laughing out loud when appropriate. When Gran arrived here, word searches were out of the question. She showed little interest in reading and when she attempted to, she gave up quickly. So I am thankful that in these ways she is improving.

As long as I have known her, Granny has been an avid reader. A very frugal woman, she never seemed to mind buying the next Janette Oke book. Fortunately for me, her little library was always at my disposal. She never read anything that a young girl shouldn't read, so I could have my pick of it all. At first, The Grandma's Attic Series, The Mandie Books, and The Laura Ingalls Wilder Series. As I grew older, Janette Oke, Lori Wick, and Traci Peterson books. I read the covers off the Love Comes Softly Series (Janette Oke). I read a bit too much romance even if it was Christian romance, but it was better than most of what is out there for teens to read today.

She loved some Barbara Johnson (Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy), Catherine Marshall books, and anything the Billy Graham society sent her. I didn't read these until after I was "grown up" and married. I may have to grow in to Barbara Johnson but I received a blessing from Catherine Marshall and her "Man Called Peter".

This list of books may seem light-weight to some. It wasn't until I was older that I was privy to the details of Gran's life. Her REAL LIFE was HEAVY-WEIGHT, so you'll excuse her for spending countless happy hours in good, clean, simple fiction and every edition (literally) of Chicken Soup for the Soul.

I was always amazed at her ability to work a crossword. I always struggled to fill in half of the empty boxes but she always worked until she was finished even if it meant filling in the last word the next day when the answers to the previous day's puzzle came. She could do amazing amounts of math in her head and would enlighten me with the Latin she learned as a child.

I learned to crochet literally and figuratively at her feet. Her lap was always warm in the winter time with the newest afghan she was making. She made pillows, baby blankets, and arm chair covers. If it sat still, she made a doily for it. The Christmas tree was covered in crocheted angels and reindeer made of clothes pins. She paper mache'd and painted the little plastic "stained glass" ornaments with us. She introduced us to "puff paint".

I write all of these in the past tense because she doesn't remember that she loved all these things. And that is okay. Because they were just things. What is important is the fondness I feel when I wander the craft aisle, the love that warms me when I cover myself with one of her afghans, the peace I feel when I read the words that once helped her triumph over hard times.

How blessed I am to share all those things with her.

Granny & Dinah Sketches

For those of you who look forward to "Granny stories", I have a few to update you with. They would be more aptly named "Granny and Dinah stories".

Dinah has taken to Granny being our home more quickly than any of us. It just seems natural to her for Gran to be here. After Dinah wakes in the morning, she asks eagerly if it is time to wake Granny. She sits on the arm of Granny's chair to talk to her. When Granny is asleep she "shhh's" anyone who makes noise.

I have told you before that Dinah has to get up to help Granny any time Granny moves about the house. Well, her assistance has widened to the area of translation.

Gran is terribly hard of hearing. It is better sometimes than others but it is all the time bad. One often has to lean down to her ear and repeat important words to her so that she will understand what you are trying to tell her. Dinah must observe me doing that because she has taken it upon herself to repeat most everything anyone says to Granny in a loud, slow, shout. She pauses between words to place proper power behind each one.

If you have ever seen the movie version of Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow (1996), you will be able to picture how Dinah is with Granny now. Below is a scene where Miss Bates (Sophie Thompson) relays the gist of her conversation with Emma and Knightly to her mother, Mrs. Bates (Phyllida Law), who is hard of hearing.

__________________________________________________________

Sometimes Dinah is just trying to help and doesn't understand what Granny is allowed to do herself or what she needs help with. I supposed because Dinah is only 2 years old, she naturally thinks that if the boundary is good enough for her, that it should also apply to Gran. Dinah was helping Amelia place silver ware on the table for supper last evening. Granny sat at the table waiting and watching until the meal was served. Dinah got to Granny's place and was about to lay down Granny's butter knife. She paused before placing it on the place mat, clutched the knife to her chest and commanded in the strongest, clearest voice that she could muster, "DON'T TOUCH IT, RANNY."

Granny, not knowing what Dinah was saying, wanted to help and reached out for the knife to get it from her, saying, "Thank you." Dinah began repeating, "DON'T TOUCH IT!" wildly, and became upset. It was my turn to interpret and after a few minutes, I believe I was able to communicate to Gran that Dinah was afraid that she would cut herself and to Dinah that Granny was indeed quite capable of handling a butter knife.
____________________________________________

Dinah, as of late, has been fascinated with names. She loves to ask, "What's your name?" After you answer she will tell you her name. Sometimes Eric or I after answering the "What's your name?" question several times, will replace our real name with a made-up one to make her laugh. She liked this enough to adopt a new name for herself.

One afternoon she was playing this game with Granny. The conversation went like this:

Dinah: "What's your name?"

Granny smiling: "It's Granny."

Dinah: "What's my name?"

Granny: "I don't know. What is your name?"

Dinah raises the volume of her voice and shouts in slow syllables: "MY--NAME--IS--BRIT--NEY!"

Granny: Well, that's a good name.

Thankfully, Granny didn't know Dinah's name in the first place and won't remember that conversation to be confused by her imaginative great-granddaughter.

There are good days and bad days, spectacular moments and incredibly difficult ones. But when the day is long and hard, God places funny things like this in the midst of them.  I'm still glad Granny is here and feel privileged to be the one who gets to take care of her.

Pete, Repeat, and Me

One of the things in life that annoys the most is having to repeat information, requests, or instructions after I feel I have taken the time to deliver them clearly and I have received confirmation that it was understood.

Case in point: Asking or telling my children to brush their teeth. 

                      Children: Yes ma'am

                      5 minutes later hear said children 

                      goofing off upstairs. 

                      Me: Have you brushed your teeth?

                      Children: No, ma'am

                    

I don't understand what happens on the way to the bathroom sink. The same thing happens when I ask them to go take a bath, or clean their room, or make sure they take their things from the car. It isn't only with the children. They are just the ones I deal with most. Adult recipients often seem to do the same thing. My patience in these instances is less than desired and/or required I really have issue with it and have to work to keep from being so irritated that I explode. (Explosions have occurred on too many an occasion.)

So lets just consider it ironic that God decided to allow my Gran to move in with me. I have to repeat myself round the clock. What is surprising is how patient I can be with her. I guess it is understanding that she has a cognitive impairment and most of the other folks especially my intelligent children don't have that excuse. 

Lest you all think I have a supernatural kindness at all times toward Gran, I want you to know that I do catch myself, especially when I am a bit overwhelmed about what I have to get done or have 5 people needing my attention at once, getting irritated when I have to answer a question 12 times (not exaggerating).  Dinah has also decided to see if she can push me over the edge that I teeter on frequently. When Gran pauses in a line of questioning, Dinah fills the silence with the same question that Gran has taken to repeating. I now live with Pete and Repeat. I didn't even try to count the times that I answered, "Where are we going?" from the two of them in a 20 minute ride the other day.

I have to take deep breaths. I have to remind myself that it doesn't do anyone any good to get upset about it. She can't help it. I should be glad that I'm the one that gets to answer these questions. Answering them helps her.

The moments pass and we all relax. I look back on them and know that it is me that has to change. He has allowed this for me to be better. Its me who has to soften and become kinder and more long-suffering. God help me.

I want to extend mercy and grace like He has extended it to me. I know I am more guilty than those I become impatient with. Oh, that someday, somehow, they would see Christ in me!

1 Timothy 1:15-17

Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹⁵ The saying is sure and true and worthy of full and universal acceptance, that Christ Jesus (the Messiah) came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost.

¹⁶ But I obtained mercy for the reason that in me, as the foremost [of sinners], Jesus Christ might show forth and display all His perfect long-suffering and patience for an example to [encourage] those who would thereafter believe on Him for [the gaining of] eternal life.

¹⁷ Now to the King of eternity, incorruptible and immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever (to the ages of ages). Amen (so be it).

Anna Becoming

Salon Quality

As I told you before, I had a different vision of what it would be like for Granny to live with us than what has actually happened. I thought that she would be mostly invalid and I would be the faithful nurse/caregiver. Well, since thankfully Gran is not an invalid, I have had some difficulties arise that all my nurse training could not help.

As a nurse, we never cut nails. It just isn't in our scope. It isn't that we don't want to, or think we are above it. The risk for injury is the problem. The patient could be a diabetic and that requires someone who knows what they are doing to trim the toes. If the patient isn't a diabetic, we let the family trim them if needed. The most I've ever done is file a patient's nails if they were with us for a while and need some grooming. 

Well, it came time to trim Gran's and turns out she isn't a diabetic and I'm the family member. You may be wondering, "What's the big deal?" I've trimmed my children's nails but I always felt better chewing theirs off for them from infancy that I ever did with the nail trimmer. (I don't think Gran would acquiesce to letting me bite her nails for her.) I am afraid I'll cut her and cause her pain. Or heaven forbid, I might do it wrong. She's still got her opinions even though she doesn't have her memory. 

I gathered my tools and my courage, sat in front of Gran and said, "Here we go." I tried to look cool. You aren't supposed to let the patient know you are afraid and have never done the skill before (nursing school 101). My efforts were not helped by an inquisitive 2 year-old who squatted beside me, grimaced and said, "Oww!", every time she heard the clippers clip. Lets say it didn't calm my nerves. 

We trimmed and filed without incident and I sighed because we had passed another learning curve. But then came the hair. 

I do hair everyday. I do my own. I do the girls. But we have always had long hair. Long straight hair. But Gran's hair is short. She uses curlers that require neat rows made by sectioning off hair with precision using a comb with a pointed end. These are not the tools of the long haired ladies.  

Armed with said curlers, pointy comb, and portable hair dryer, after Gran's hair was washed we went to the kitchen to play "beauty parlor". 

Thankfully, I was behind Gran's chair. I didn't have to exude confidence that I didn't have. It took me 45 minutes to accomplish what I had witnessed Gran do for most of my life in 10 minutes. If she was worried she didn't show it. Maybe she had her game face on too. I sat her under the dryer with a book and went to pray fervently that the curls turned out right. 

I bet you wish your salon had bananas and butter. Yes, I still have my Christmas cards up. I can't bear to take them down. All those pretty faces. 

You see, I had chosen to experiment with my hair setting skills a few hours before we had to go to Tess's honor choir performance. Not a good choice but it was done none-the-less.

After getting gussied up at home, we traveled to Tate Baptist Church to watch the Alcorn Co. Honor Choir performance. We always enjoy the show and would even if we didn't have a Lancaster offspring in it. The county music teachers work hard arranging, practicing and polishing. We are so grateful for their efforts.

My girl, Tess, is the one rockin' the side pony tail in the middle of each photo. (I remembered the big camera miraculously, but predictably, the battery was dead. Thank God for the iPhone.)

Tess and her fellow Alcorn Countians did a fantastic job. I'm so glad that they love music.

After the performance we came home to relax a bit because of the big outing.

Her hair turned out just as Gran's hair should. Hopefully, I won't be so shy about it next time.


Anna Becoming

Out and About

We had planned to take Granny out for a drive this past Saturday because it was so beautiful that day but it didn't happen. That's O.K. though. Life doesn't always go as planned (understatement of my life).
So yesterday, Gran was out of the house for the first time since she arrived at our house two weeks ago.

Since baseball season has begun, my man is not able to help get the kids to their after school activities as much as he usually does. With Papa's (Eric's dad and my children's "nanny") help, the kids got home from school. Tess had her piano lesson to go to, I had a bill that needed to be paid, and I wanted to see if I could catch some of the baseball game from the car.

So we, Granny, the children and I, set off at 5pm with the goal of getting to piano practice and paying the bill. If we could get that accomplished then we would be successful. At first Granny asked, "Where are we going?", "Are you taking me home?", "How did I get here?" repeatedly. After I answered them several times, she settled in and seemed to be more comfortable.

We paid our bill through the drive-thru and made it to Mrs. Ginger's just in time for piano. We sat in the car during Tess's 20 minute lesson and enjoyed the sunshine and watched her teacher's 2 dogs chase cars and joggers.

After her lesson, all was going well, so we went out for a hamburger as a treat. We ate in the car so that I didn't have to work on corralling everyone in a restaurant. As we ate we headed over to the baseball field. We pulled up at the top of the hill overlooking the field. Tess and Amelia ran down to help in the concession stand and Ty went to the dug out. I explained to Gran who we were watching and we settled in to enjoy the game for as long as she and Dinah could stand.

Gran mentioned after a bit that she didn't realize how cold it was. I immediately began fussing over her to make sure she was warm. She said, "I'm fine. Look at them though." All of the spectators were wrapped in coats, hats, and blankets. And if they weren't you could tell that they wished they were. So we were happy with our spot in the van.

The view from the hill is a good one. The only thing that is obscured is the first base/center field sight line because of the visitor dug out. The problem with that spot is the possibility, or maybe a better word would be probability of being hit by a foul ball. Our friend and favorite geometry teacher, Scott Parvin, reminded me of the spot on Mrs. Bettie Ketchum's windshield that one hit a long time ago. I laughed and told him that I was aware of the risk and I was taking it. What do we have insurance for if not for foul balls?

As I sat there, I thought of some other baseball fans that watched from their cars on the hill. As mentioned, Mrs. Bettie Ketchum, school board member and faithful Biggersville sports fan, watched as many as she could from there. My dear friends, Mrs. Dick and Mrs. Louann, also watched many a game from their car. I thought about how they didn't let their circumstances and situations interfere with their devotion to their family, friends and community.

As one who tends to shy away from the public and would love to never have to leave her home, I have to fight allowing my care of Gran to be an excuse to check out from life. I just have to find new ways to be present and active in the lives of those close to me and others in my community. I pray that as life changes that with the Lord's help that I will find balance and peace as I travel in this new direction.

I kept Gran out just shy of 3 hours! She never tired, became anxious, or asked to go home. In the car, on the highway, as darkness settled in around us, she looked over at me, laughed and said, "I haven't been out this late in a long time!" Every few minutes she laughed to herself again and would repeat her observation. I smiled with her and thought that, yes, staying out until 7:30 on a school night was the wildest thing that she, Dinah and I had done in a while. We may be out and about more often.

I Need to Clarify

I want to thank you again for following us and praying for us. Your prayers have meant so much and are part of our miracle. Because so many of you have shown such an interest in Gran's health, I wanted to make sure you knew what we are dealing with so that you will know more specifically how to pray for her and us.

I have mentioned before that Granny has dementia. Some use that term interchangeably with Alzheimer's. Dementia is a symptom, where Alzheimer's is a disease. Though I've read that anywhere between 60-70% of dementia cases are Alzheimer's ones, there are many other reasons for a patient to have dementia. That is the case with Granny. Her doctors do not believe that she has Alzheimer's disease. In fact they are rather adamant about it. (I will not say for certain that she does or does not because the only definitive way to diagnose Alzheimer's disease is on autopsy after death.)

Granny had a horrible car wreck about 20 years ago. By human and medical standards, Granny should have died from it. She broke her neck among many other injuries that I won't list here. She really hasn't been the same since that wreck. We also recently found out that she has a lesion on her brain that they believe has been slowly growing over years. She also has dealt with several blockages of the arteries in her neck thus obstructing oxygen to the brain. It is believed that each of or a combination of these problems besides the normal loss of memory with age, that Gran has dementia.

We do deal with some of the things that an Alzheimer's patient has to deal with because they share some of the same symptoms. But Gran doesn't go by the book for anything. :) There are things that I have to tell her over and over again, but there are other things that she surprises me by learning and remembering.

I appreciate all of your help and input. Your suggestions and experiences help so much. I am currently reading a book suggested to me by Susan Smith called, Creating Moments of Joy by Jolene Brackey. It was written for Alzheimer's patients with dementia and although all of it doesn't apply to Gran, I am gleaning what does. I want to create "moments of joy" for Gran. That's what I'm here for.

I found this PDF document online while researching and I found it very helpful perhaps you will too:

Alzheimer’s Disease & Dementia vs.Normal Memory Changes 


Love,
Anna Becoming

What A Difference A Week Makes

Today marks one week that Granny has been here at the Lancaster's house. She has been officially made a Lancaster by Amelia, who while making dinner-time place cards wrote, "Granny Lancaster", for Gran's card. :)

I had written that I was concerned about Sunday coming round and not upsetting her when she asked about church. Well, guess what? She asked, "What day is it?" only once yesterday. It was late and almost time for bed when she did. After I said, "Sunday", I held my breath waiting for her to ask about church but she never did.  Guess what the first thing she asked about this morning (a Monday) over breakfast? "Are we going to church this morning?" Thankfully, I could truthfully say, "No Gran, today is Monday." Poor thing let out a sigh and prayed heavenward, "Thank You, Lord, because I'm too tired to go."

The past few days have shown nothing but improvement. Gran has been staying awake most of the day and sleeping all night without incident in her hospital bed. She has known who I am every day. She recognizes other people as well. She is reading some and has been able to do some other activities as well. For instance, she mashed the bananas for our banana bread yesterday. The "Road To" marathon with Bob Hope and Bing Crosby was a hit also. (The Eric and the kids thought they were funny too. --"Patty Cake , Patty Cake, Baker's Man...."--- You'll have to watch to get that one. )

It has been quite a pleasure to have her with me and to be able to love on her all the time. I have such peace in helping meet her needs. I am so thankful to be able to care for her and I really think that she is doing well here and is improving. She is remembering little things that I would usually have to remind her about. She even asked today, "Am I mending or un-mending?", meaning,  "Am I getting better or worse". I was able to smile and say, "Gran, you are getting better every day." She replied, "Well, I thought so."

Mom came this evening and sat with her so that Eric and I could go to an appointment in Tupelo. Before we came home I stopped in Joann and scoped the aisles for crafts that Gran might be able to do.
I found quite a few things for her to try. I hope she will be as happy about them as I am. If not, I am sure that Tess and Amelia won't mind trying their hand at them.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us.

Anna Becoming

Riding in the Hit Parade

Today, I was "Annie"to Gran most of the day. Granny was especially sharp today. As usual, it took me a bit to catch on to it but once I did, we were  rollin'.

Granny slept in her new "hospital" bed last night. She only asked me about the rails 2 times. After I assured her a couple of times that I was going to be in the bed right next to her and would help her up if she needed to get up, she went right to sleep and had a great night of rest.

Rachel, Henry and Milo came over this morning to sit and visit with Granny while I went to my Saturday morning Bible Study. It was my first time out of the house since Monday. I ran around like a new mom when Rachel got here, showing her all of Granny's things and where to get this and how I do that. 

Our Bible study topic was speech. Well, we talked a lot about talking. :) I'm so glad that we get to meet every week. It is good to meet together and talk about what God is showing us through His word and through the author of the study. I am very thankful to Rachel for coming so that I could still take part.

When I got back home, Rachel helped me get Granny a bath. We don't have a full bath downstairs. Granny did well though with the stairs with both of us beside her. Gran had watched "Mrs. Miniver" with Rachel after breakfast while I was gone. So after her bath, I assumed that she would be tired enough for a nap. She sat in her recliner for 45 min or so trying to doze off with no success. 

I thought that it would be a good time to try some music. Granny is virtually deaf and usually lip reads most of what she gets from conversations so this was a long shot. I really can't understand what she hears and what she doesn't. Some sounds will startle her when others don't make her blink. It was worth a try. Dinah and I danced a bit to the music and Gran thought we were funny. 

I handed Gran the cd cover so that she could look at the pictures of the artists of the songs that were playing. 

I purchased it a while back at Sam's club just for me. I didn't know that we would have an opportunity to listen to it together. It has some Ella Fitzgerald, Tony Bennett (Young Tony), Lena Horne, and Frankie Laine among others. 

She has always loved to read but as of late she just doesn't seem to be able to. She either isn't interested or tries and then gives up. Well, I noticed that she seemed to be reading the paragraphs about the songs and the Hit Parade that were on the inside cover. 

That got me excited. I calmly walked over to get something special. After Eric's mom, Wanda, passed away, these were found among her things. No one else wanted them so I gladly took them.

 Aren't they neat? I love old things. They are Reader's Digests from the 1930's. The stories are still great and it is fascinating to read about the medical progress of the day or the news items. I grabbed one and sank to the chair beside Gran and showed her my treasure.

She said, "Wow, these are really old."

I nodded my head and asked, "Isn't that neat?"

She nodded as well and began to flip through the pages. I busied myself about the room and cast a glimpse her way as often as I could. I was almost holding my breath, hoping that she didn't just lay it on the table beside her chair as she had so many other things that I had offered her in the past few days.

She didn't put it down. She turned the pages for a bit and then settled at the beginning and began to read. And continued to do so for another hour! I was so glad that she was able to find interest in something else. She may not even look at them tomorrow but she enjoyed them today.

I've been hunting things that I think she might like and since the movies are working (She recognized Katherine Hepburn today all on her own), I think we'll keep viewing them as long as it keeps her engaged and happy. I am enjoying the movies myself. They are all ones that I love too. I learned to love them in her living room so long ago.

This evening she was doing so well, that when she lay down to sleep for a bit, I felt comfortable leaving her with Eric and the kids to go to Wal-mart for some needed items. I waded through the teenage crowd in the electronics section to look and see if they had a particular new movie that the kids wanted to see. While I was scanning the racks, I came upon this:

I went ahead and got it for us and we will probably have a mini marathon of "Road To" movies tomorrow. We loved these so much. I haven't seen them in quite some time and look forward to sharing them with her. We used to watch these after Gran had recorded them on her VCR. They would come on in the middle of the night on one of the network channels. (We never had cable. It still doesn't run to Hightown. You can get satellite though.)

I hope that tomorrow is a good day for her too. It is a Sunday as you know. She asks for me to tell her what day of the week it is everyday. I have always been able to tell her what day it is without any trouble, but to say "Sunday" is going to be hard. She has already asked me 4 times tonight, "What time do we need to get up in the morning?" She wants to go to church. I would offer her a worship service right here (I'm not ashamed to preach or sing and I know the Holy Spirit would come if we ask Him) if that would help her, but I am afraid it would confuse her more. It is hard for me to think of good things to say that aren't a falsehood to keep her from thinking about what I can not explain or change. 

There are so many situations that I don't know what to do. I pray that God gives me the wisdom I need while I try to gain knowledge about what is best for her and in line with Him. I pray that He won't mind us dwelling on Bing and Bob tomorrow to keep us from being too upset about being at home when our hearts are with our fellow believers elsewhere. 

Thanking God for all the days with Gran, not just the good days, but they are nice when they come.

Anna Becoming

I'm Anna and I Love You

Well, after two days of relative bliss, yesterday was a hard day. Gran didn't seem to rest well through Wednesday night. When she woke Thursday morning she thought that it was evening time. I couldn't convince her otherwise, despite the sunshine coming through the windows.

When she ate breakfast she asked, "Where's mom?" (referring to my mom). I would answer, "She's at school." Then she would say, "Well, I guess she'll be home pretty soon." I would remind her that it was 8 in the morning. She would look at the clock and say, "Eight in the morning? Oh. I didn't realize..." She would eat a few bites and then we would start again with "Where's mom?"

Later that morning she wanted to know where her purse was. She needed her keys. Where was her car? She told Emily she would pick up Avery and she needed to do something else that she couldn't remember. I tried to tell her that she didn't have her car here, that she doesn't drive anymore. That she doesn't have to get anything for Emily and that Avery is at school. She grew irritated with me. She said, "People think old folks are going crazy but its the young folks that are driving them there." She crossed her arms and sighed. 

As the day went on, she knew less and less of me. She didn't ask me about mom. The feeling that we belonged together left and the feeling of politeness that one employs with a stranger came in. She asked where I came from and wondered who those children (my children) are. For the first time in a long time, I asked, "Do you know who I am?" She stared at me blankly. I answered for her, "I'm Anna."

"You are Anna? I didn't know."

I could tell there was still no connection. "I'm Anna. Darla's daughter. Your granddaughter." I continued. 

"Darla has a daughter?"

"Yes, Gran. Darla has 3 daughters and a son." I tried to explain.

I did my best but she didn't make the connection. She didn't seem as agitated anymore. Just resigned to being where she was and who she was with. If I offered her something, she would say, "Whatever the others are having." 

I mostly suffered for her. I want her to know me and be comforted by my presence. I can't imagine what it feels like to feel like you are in a place you have never been with people you don't know and you don't know how you got there. I can't deny that it hurt my feelings a bit when she kept scooting over on the couch or leaning as far as she could away from us like we were strangers in a hotel lobby. It is the kind of feeling that is natural to have but that you talk yourself out of feeling with rational thoughts like "they don't know", or "they can't help it".  Like when you get off work and go to get your child that you missed so much and they cling to the babysitter. 

Gran continued to struggle with her confusion even in her slumber last night. She spoke, even yelled and reached in the air for hours while she seemed to be sleeping. She would start herself awake and try to tell me what she needed and realize that I couldn't help her with what she wanted and try to go back to sleep. She began to rest quietly around 2 am. 

Today she is back to the "normal"we had established the other day. I'm not sure what she knows or who she knows but she seems content. She is watching another old movie ("Casablanca") this morning. They seem to be the only thing that I can get her engaged in. This morning she has even asked about the actors' names. The same actors' names she taught me so long ago when I watched these movies sitting with her in her rose pink recliner. 

If she could absorb it and it wouldn't confuse her more, I would tell her all the memories like that I have with her in them and most importantly of all, I would say, "Remember, Granny, I'm Anna, Darla's daughter, your granddaughter. You have known me all my life. You have loved me all my life. I'm not just taking care of you. I love you." 

I'm glad though that I don't have to make her remember. I can tell her every day, every hour, every minute if I need to, "Granny, I'm Anna and I love you."

Anna Becoming

Granny Is Here!

First of all, thank you for lifting us up in prayer. They are much felt.

Since Friday, we have been busily preparing for Granny to move in to our home. We cleaned out the extra room, that like any extra room, had accumulated all of our extra stuff that we just didn't take the time to deal with. It is a BIG room. It was a BIG job. If you could have only seen my nephew's eyes when he saw the pile of garbage bags that he and Ty had to carry out to the road. I said, "You should have seen what all I carried to the Lighthouse. He just smiled and silently nodded his head as he went to tackle the job.

With the help of Granny's furniture, some of ours, an electric fireplace, new curtains, lamps and a rug, the room is quite homey. We prepared the room so that Granny wouldn't have to leave it to be cared for. We hired men to build ramps up to the back door so that she could be wheeled in to the house. Another ramp was also installed up to my kitchen from her room so that maybe on good days Granny could eat with us at the table. I was a bit concerned that they weren't going to be finished in time. But at least the men would be there to help us get Granny in the house if we had trouble.

Well, Granny arrived to her room on Monday afternoon. She did it by walking down my front sidewalk and up my front steps!! HELLO, Granny!! I was a bit stunned. Aunt Cathy and Mom said that she was doing better but I didn't quite understand how much. Granny was bright and smiling and though she wouldn't make it too far without assistance from someone or a walker, she was walking. She is strong enough to stand on her own most of the time and she just needs help with direction because she doesn't remember what room to go to.

Dinah has taken to the caregiver role. She has to be with Granny if she isn't sleeping. If Granny gets up to go anywhere, Dinah pushes aside whatever she is doing very quickly so that she can walk in front of Granny's walker and say, "Come on, Granny, " in her sweetest voice. (Don't worry, I make sure she moves quickly enough that she doesn't trip Gran.) She also feels in that she has a right to all the privileges of the one being cared FOR. If I tuck blankets around Granny's lap, Dinah sits beside her and curls up, makes herself shiver and says, "I'm cold. I need a blanket too." She also needs to eat whatever Granny is having even if she has already had her meal.

So far things have been going fantastically well. I am so glad to see Granny feeling better. There are issues that I wasn't prepared for because I thought she would be too weak to go about the house, but God knew all that I and I can trust He will take care of them like He has all the rest.

Once when Eric inquired how our day had gone, he asked, "Do you think she knows who you are?' I told him that I really don't know for sure but I know that she seems happy and content. She hasn't asked to go home or when mom was going to come get her even one time. She doesn't call me by name. I don't ask her if she knows who I am or if she knows where she is, you see, because her memory has no rhyme or reason. But I feel she must know that we belong to each other in some way.

I have had to sleep with her because we don't have the hospital bed yet. Last night, when I thought she was asleep already, I went to climb in to bed with her. My back was to her as I was swinging my legs up and I hear her gruff voice (her voice box was damaged from a tracheostomy she had after a horrible car wreck a long time ago) say, "I didn't say you could sleep with me!" It kind of made me jump and I turned quickly toward her. She lay there grinning. I laughed too and asked politely and she said smiling, "Well, I guess so, just this once."She would have teased me like that a long time ago when as a girl I used to spend the night with her at her house and sleep in that same bed.

She is always very cold so I try to make sure the covers are about her shoulders when I wake in the night. She pulls most of the covers anyway so I shouldn't worry. :) I don't sleep much because I don't want her to try and get up without help. I must have been so tired that I drifted off a bit more than usual on Monday night. I woke once to find her pulling the blankets up around my chin. My granny was taking care of me.

Anna Becoming

It's Not A Burden, It's My Granny

For those of you that don't know, my Granny (Momma's momma) hasn't been doing very well as of late. About a year and a half ago, she had to leave her home and go stay with my mom and then my Aunt. Because of dementia and a body that was growing weaker with age, she didn't need to be by herself. Her mind and body have continued to slowly fade. She recently had a fall which has set many other problems and issues in motion. 

After a hospital visit, a week's (if it was that long) stay at a nursing home, and now another hospitalization, it has been decided that Granny will be moving in with we Lancasters. We are busy now readying our home for her. She should be with us early this coming week. The coming days will be an adjustment for us and I would like to ask you all to pray for us. 

I am a very fearful person. The Holy Spirit is constantly on duty driving away doubt and trembling from my soul. I don't watch the news because I can't bear to think about all the evil. My imagination can go a bit wild at times about what might seem to be something harmless to other people. I am very careful with my decisions because of all the possible consequences I see in the future. 

So, you would think that going to India or Africa on a medical mission would be out of the question. You would think that I wouldn't quit my job when I thought God wanted me to. You would think that the prospect of taking care of my Granny here at home without the help of monitors, aides, and supervision would scare me to death. 

Strangely, when it is something big that I know, that I know, that I know God wants me to to do, I become fearless. I guess it is when it gets SO big that I have no way of handling the situation myself, I quit worrying about how it will get done. I just trust He'll take care of it. I know that I need to know that with the everyday things too, and I'm working on that. But for now I'll just be glad that this right now doesn't scare me. 

This even kind of makes some things make sense that didn't before. Like I told you, I know that God wanted me to quit my part-time job in December. I did. I kept waiting for another job to open up for me but it never did. I tried my best to make it happen for me, thinking He probably needed my help. :)

But I am now in a position to care for Gran when I wouldn't have been before. He brought me to where I needed to be before I needed to be there. Isn't He good? Isn't it wonderful that He surprised me and called me to be a nurse 10 years ago when it had never crossed my mind before?

I realize that what we are about to do is going to be difficult. The longer I live though, the more I'm convinced that nothing worth doing is going to be easy. This will probably try my faith and character more than anything has yet. I can not promise that I will not fail miserably at times. But I am willing to try and be as good of a care giver to her as she was to us.

My children love their Granny and I am glad that they will be able to spend a lot of time with her. They are great kids and I am so proud of them for being so unselfish as to want me to be able to take care of Gran. Eric is being very brave and will be sacrificing much as well. My mom and my aunts will be anxious for us and will have some adjusting to do trusting me with their mom. Would you especially remember and pray for each of them? We will all need courage, strength, patience, kindness, selflessness, and a great deal of love to make this work the way God intended. 

I've been reading The King's Speech by Mark Logue and Peter Conradi. It is about how Lionel Logue, a speech therapist, helped King George with his speech impediment and fear of public speaking throughout the King's adulthood and reign. There are several excerpts of the king's speeches in the book. I enjoy reading them and several of them have portions that touch me greatly. 

One is from King George VI's Christmas broadcast of 1942 when England and the world were at war. He states that President Abraham Lincoln used to tell of a boy who was carrying an even smaller boy up a hill. Asked whether the heavy burden was not too much for him, the boy answered: ''It's not a burden, it's my brother!''

It stuck with me especially this last week or so when I tell people that we are going to be caring for Granny here at home. I know it is in kindness that people gasp and say, "Isn't that going to be hard?"or "How are you going to do that?" But I'd like you not to be afraid for us either. I know you care about me and might want to gently tell me that what is ahead of me will be hard. I know it will be and I know that God will take care of it. He is already working on my support system: my mom, my aunts, my sisters, their husbands, my brother and sister-in-law, a friend to help me with house work, my precious praying friends like you, and on and on. So, when I get discouraged later or am having a bad day, I'd like for you to remind me of what I KNOW. (Only of course after you have listened long and petted me a bit. :))

The best way I know to explain my fearlessness and even excitement about what God is doing and about to do in our lives is that "it's not a burden, it's my Granny".

A picture so you can see Granny in your mind's eye when you pray for her. Oh, and some folks used to call her Nellie, but she's always been Granny to me. God knows wither way. :)

Anna Becoming