Christ's Sufficiency on the First Day of School

Well, my husband and sweet children are at school now.

My sister, Emily, came over this morning to sit with Granny so that I could go be with them as they went to Alcorn Central for the first time. (Actually, they have visited the school many times this summer with their dad. I, however, have never been inside the school before except to go into a gymnasium.)

Ty and Tess slipped away from me without letting me give them a last hug and a goodbye. I refrained from chasing them down the hallway and calling their names. (Yes, I can display restraint when I have to.) They went to the gymnasium to get their schedules and have assembly before beginning their day.

Eric, Dinah and I walked Amelia to her class. She is in the new Mrs. Burcham's class. Maybe that will help them connect, with them both learning the school for the first time. Amelia was reserved but was not turning red (a sure sign that she is upset or nervous), so I felt better about leaving her. She was only the second child to arrive in the room so her teacher was able to give her attention that she might not have if she had entered at a later time.

I had planned on sticking my head into the middle school gym to make sure that Tess and Ty weren't sitting by themselves. (Probably far apart, not together.)  (Not sure what I planned to do if they were. I might have pulled a Papa and just taken them home. He's notorious for doing that with them in preschool if he doesn't think the teachers and other toddlers are paying HIS grandchild enough attention.) But Eric seemed to want to shake Dinah and I because he kept showing us exits and telling us goodbye. After 6 exits, I took the hint, peeled Dinah from him and carried her out while she yelled, "I need my daddy!" I didn't scold her because I felt like yelling, "I need my family!"

I suppose it was a successful start because only Dinah and I cried. I was doing fine until we prayed while we waited for Emily to get to the house. If I need to function without tears, it is usually better that I just rest in knowing that God knows our need, instead of trying to talk to Him. I fixed my face just in time to get outside and grab a picture before we left. I knew this was my only chance because I have never done very well at getting a snap shot of them in their rooms. I usually have a baby or toddler hanging on my arm and the children are trying to be cool and not notice me. So from prior experience, I knew just to be glad I was getting this photo.

As we pulled out of Deer Park, I turned my blinker on for the wrong direction. Thankfully, I was following Eric because if I had not seen him turn right, I might have gone on for a bit on autopilot without noticing. Poor Tess saw it and said nervously that I should have let the car continue toward the highway. Bless her.

I wanted to give them something encouraging to have their hands on to while they were at school today so I wrote out Philippians 4:13 on notecards for them. When I can't be with them, I love that God's Word can be. I (any probably you) have memorized the NKJV but I have been stuck on the Amplified Bible lately and this verse is a perfect example of why I am.

Philippians 4:13

Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹³ I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who^[a]infuses inner strength into me; I am ^[b]self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency].

I like how it is explained in the brackets. "Self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency", that is a word we needed today! I think I might need it more than they do but I'm glad it is there for all of us (you too). 

This is the shot I got before we all loaded up and drove to school. (Eric declined being in the pic but I can tell you he looked handsome and was smiling too.) I'm praying they will be wearing those same smiles this afternoon. It is funny that those same kids that gave me the slip this morning probably will be fighting with each other to tell me about their day. (That's why I don't mind the slip. I know they really love me and know I love them.)

Poor Dinah just had to go to Papa's because she was devastated to be left behind. He had a new Barbie puzzle waiting for her, so I think she forgot all about the pain. :)

Oh, and despite what I said yesterday,  I didn't take and hour, or two, or three to miss them. I wanted them back before I walked out of the building. What a blessing they are to me.

I'm Going to Miss My Kids!

Man, I love my kids.

I posted something funny this evening that my Tess told me. I don't think she was trying to be funny when she said it but it made me smile none-the-less. If I posted all of the moments like those that our family has everyday, I would have to hire someone to do it because there are so many of them.

Funny moments, sad moments, tender moments, difficult moments and crazy-mom-is-freaking-out-again moments make up my day. Lately we've added stop-everyone-be-quiet-because-Granny-is-confused moments. You know like when you were a kid and your dad was driving in bad weather so the radio got turned off and everyone sat still as stones until you got home because it was important that he concentrate? I get like that when Granny is confused and the children can tell when they need to go sit down, be still and keep Dinah entertained because my full focus has to be on Granny. (How great are they to know that and understand that? Pretty great.)

I joke that every time I've had a child go to kindergarten, I have another baby because I can't stand not having someone with me. (I guess it isn't a joke because I've really had a baby every time one of them went to kindergarten. I don't have anyone going to kindergarten this year, so I'm not having a baby. Well, that and Eric says we can't have anymore because in all probability he is going to be attempting to draw his Social Security before Dinah graduates and he wants to retire before he turns 80) I miss them so much when they aren't here with me.

Yes, there are times when I think, "I've got to have an hour of peace or I'm going to go crazy." When they are fighting non-stop and I am tired and I can't take it any more, August and a new school year doesn't seem so bad. But I really want them with me, because an hour (maybe a couple of hours, or three) after they are gone, I am wanting them home again.

I don't know if you know it, but I'm a homeschool mom wannabe. Ever since Ty was a toddler, I have prayed that I would get to keep my children home with me. So far, God has not seen fit to grant me that request. Maybe He is protecting me (or my children) from myself. Maybe I would be a horrible homeschool mom. I don't know. All I know is that my babies are and probably will always be in public school.

My husband is a school teacher. Being around the teacher community for some time, I hear or have heard in the past other teachers or people from the community complain when a teacher's children are homeschooled or even that they don't go to the same school that the teacher does. I may have been one of those complainers at one time or another.

And then on the other side of the coin, (maybe because I want to be one of them) I have experienced feeling (real or imagined) that a homeschool parent didn't think I was doing the right thing for my children for allowing them to go to public school. It's kind of hard not to think that when they are telling you all the reasons they wouldn't let their child cross the threshold.

What have I learned from both of these sides and with years of experience being a mom? That each parent has to do what they think is best for their children by following the Lord's guidance in all things. It really isn't any of my business where anyone else's child goes to school. I should only voice opinions about my own children and keep all other thoughts to myself. As long as we have sought His direction for our children's education and have listened for His voice and feel we are walking in that way, I (I say "I" here because Eric doesn't feel guilty about it) shouldn't feel guilt either way.

So tonight on the eve of a new school year, I thank God for public school and the fact that we are able to be a part of what He has planned there. I pray for all of the administrators and teachers that will walk those halls and teach in those classrooms. They have a huge job before them and can only do it through the Lord's strength. Satan wants them to fail. He wants them to mess up. Our prayers need to be many for those who teach.

I pray for the parents who will watch their child go out the door in the morning and wish them back again. I pray for the parents who don't get to take their child to school and kiss them goodbye at the door. I pray for the children. I pray that they would each have an adult who loves them and cares for them and is able to clothe them and help keep them clean and keep them fed. I pray that each child will find a caring teacher on the other side of the door in the morning. I pray that we as parents remember that just because we send our children outside the home to be educated, it doesn't mean that we aren't teachers ourselves. I pray that we take up our responsibility as well.

I pray also for my homeschool friends. I thank God that they have the opportunity to teach their children at home because not everyone has that option. I ask blessings on their homes as they decide on and prepare curriculum. For those who are weary from being 24/7 caregivers without a moment to themselves, I pray for them strength and peace of mind and opportunities for rest. I pray for their children as well. That they will have focus as they take their lessons at home.

I hope that you see my heart about all of these things. I had no intention when I started this post that it would end up here. I just thought I was going to tell you about how much I love my sweet (most of the time) children and how much I am going to miss them (at least after an hour, or two, or three) tomorrow. Granny, Dinah and I will probably just sit and stare at the wall and wonder where the summer went.

I am so grateful that my children don't feel like I did about school. (I would have loved to have been homeschooled as a child. To be honest though, with my crippling shyness, I think that if I had been, I might still be living with my mother and looking a bit like Bette Davis in the first part of Now, Voyager.) But as they go to a new school in the morning I will have to pray for extra measure of peace to outweigh the butterflies for them and myself. If you have time, we would appreciate if you would pray for them also. Alcorn Central is a lot bigger than Biggersville. (Yes, that is a bit of a paradox.) I'm praying they won't be overwhelmed and they make friends easily.  They will be missing their other friends more as they go to school in the morning.

Tess shot down my offer to make a commercial with testimonials from her current friends about what a great friend she is. She is on her own now. I tried to help. I packed a stick (a small one--It kind of looks like a pencil) in Ty's back pack for him to beat the girls off. I know he's my kid but I think anyone would tell you he is handsome and he has a personality to go with it. It's killing me. Amelia told me that she was going to wait until the day after tomorrow (because she was sure that she would have friends by then) to let them know she was crazy. I let her know we might need to keep that to ourselves, especially with new friends, but she assured me it was the good kind of crazy, the fun kind. (So we know who to pray for a little extra.) As their mama, I know they are wonderful kids and my greatest comfort is as they walk into a school knowing very few people that they all 3 have the Holy Spirit going in with them.

So I hope you'll forgive this very all-over-the-place post and excuse me while I cry a bit before I go to sleep.

Prayers going up for all school people, home and public, (And Private!)

Anna

Letter From A Coach's Wife

Since Eric and I have been married, he has only coached at 2 schools. Rienzi and Biggersille are almost extensions of each other so its like it was only one. I had been a student at Biggersville and since we married 2 summers after I graduated, there wasn't much time for me or the school to change much before I became a part of it again through my husband.

I always kept the books for Eric's ballgames until sometime after Tess was born and I was able to finally convince Eric that I could not watch a 2 year-old and a 6 month old and keep the books at the same time. He thought I was more talented that I actually was. And apparently still had a notion that I could handle anything thrown at me because he moved me to the concession stand with said toddler and infant in tow. :)

As the years passed, more babies came, and I began to work outside the home more, I was unable to make it to all the ballgames like I wanted to. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to have young children out in the freezing cold (because most of the season is spent sitting outside at night in temps below 50 degrees) or to have them crying incessantly at home because they were sleepy when they had to take a bath at 10 p.m. because they had school the next day and we had been at the ball field.

We went to as many games as we could that coincided with the right temperature, location and my being off from work. This past year when we might have been able to participate more fully in being present to support our team, Granny came to live with us. We attempted to go to the games and just sit in the car a few times until it became apparent that while Granny did well on these outings, she became more confused after we came home. So, again, we became home cheerleaders.

I've struggled with this outcome and even though I have felt the decisions made were the best for our family, I have fallen into the trap of comparing myself to other coaches' wives. I know that some wives would never miss a game, no matter what the weather or how many children they have in tow. I know that some know all the players' names, their positions and their stats. Sincerely, my hat is off to them because I don't know how they do it. With homework and housework and a job, I am barely keeping up.

My insecurity about it finds me questioning Eric. "Are you really okay with me staying home tonight?" "Do you think I don't care about the team? Because I really do." "I hope the parents know that I don't just stay home because I don't feel like going."

Being the woman that I am, when he reassures me that it is okay that I am not there and that he agrees with me, I immediately question that too. "Is it not important to you that I am there?"

Yes. I have issues.

So now, as we venture to Alcorn Central with new people and a new team, my insecurities rise to the surface again.

I'm horrible at meeting new people. I have NO small talk. I try to just smile big and pray you don't think I'm stupid when I don't have anything to say. I try but the more I do, the more my mind just goes blank. I have trouble remembering names and it has nothing to do with how much I like you. And that's just when I am able to be present. I will hardly ever be able to come on campus. I'm absent more now than I have ever been because of Granny. I even have to miss some of my children's ballgames now.

I am doing the best I can trying to balance all the demands placed on me with the desires of my heart. So instead of listing all of the ways that I feel I may be falling short, I thought of the things that I can offer as a coach's wife.

I love my husband. 

Eric is a coach. While he is also many other things, the coach portion is one of the larger parts. Because I love my husband as a whole, that includes the coach part. I've never referred to myself as a baseball widow. I'm a part of his team as much as if I was a player or another coach. I listen. I ask questions. I comment. I am interested. I am engaged. I care.

When I don't get to go to the games, after the kids have gone to bed, I sit on the couch to welcome him as he arrives home and ask, "How'd it go?" I'll listen to his recounting of the game, inning by inning and then sit with him as he calls in the score.

How does that help you?  I understand that for a portion of the fall and from January to May, I will be on my own a great portion of the time. I hope that by being supportive of my husband in his calling and not complaining about the time he spends away from us helps him be the best coach he can be.

I love your children.

You see him at the practices and at the games but you don't see all the time he spends preparing. You don't see him talking on the phone with parents and grandparents about their kids. You don't see the hours he spends making cookie dough so that he can sell it to buy equipment for them. You don't know that he offers his time and expertise without renumeration for the benefit of the school and team. You don't see the hours he spends mowing, weed eating, and painting so that they can have a ball field to be proud of.

I think that your children are important. Their lives have meaning and are valuable. Eric's impact on them will be far-reaching so I feel that sharing my husband is worth it.


I love Jesus.

I pray earnestly for the administrators, the coaches, the players, the parents and fans. I pray for the other teams. I pray for the referees and the umpires. I pray about the uniforms that you'll wear. I pray for safety. I pray about attitudes and sportsmanship.  I pray for wisdom for all of us. So that we'll understand what is really important and what is not. That we'll stand up for what needs to be defended and know when to let something pass. That we would be thankful for the times we get things right, and learn from the times we get things wrong. That we would be honorable in the winning and in the losing.

You know those insecurities I mentioned? (I would have loved to have left them out of this post, but I'm trying to be honest here.) They seem to be my major struggle in life. Jesus is trying to work them out of me. But no matter how my head runs away from me, I know in my heart that He holds us securely in His hands.

Loving Jesus, however imperfectly I do it,  helps me love my husband and love your children.

Well, I'm afraid that is all. It is only 3 things but I promise to be faithful in them. And I look forward to the time that I get to know you all. You will be able to go from wondering if I'll ever talk to wishing I would hush up and let you get a word in edge-wise.

Restore, Chapter 5--The Power of Prayer

If we are to pray aright, perhaps it is quite necessary that we pray contrary to our own heart. Not what we want to pray is important, but what God wants us to pray. The richness of the Word of God ought to determine our prayer, not the poverty of our heart.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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One of the most special parts our "Restore" service was the time that we were prayed over. We knelt at the altar after Tommy spoke. We bowed our heads and hearts, as Bro. Dennis led the people of the room to pray for us. Some were able to come down to us, lay their hands on our shoulders, thank God for His goodness and beseech God on our behalf as we listened and tears streamed down our faces. We felt God's hand on us that day just as sure as we felt the hands of our dear family and friends. 

When we discussed the order of the service, I knew we needed this part as much as we needed the vow renewal--MAYBE MORE. Remember how I shared what Max Lucado said about the Church being arm supporters? Well, that day our tired arms were lifted high by a room full of beautiful believers to the GOD WHO RESTORES.

I hope that you have been able to have an experience like this before or had the comfort and joy of having a friend just put their arm around you and start talking to God for you when you can't speak yourself. Fortunately, I have been blessed to be surrounded in life by praying people. Ones that aren't ashamed to stop in the street and petition God for you or praise God with you if that's where you shared your prayer need with them. I know it doesn't have to be all the time, and I don't think I would want it to be, because then it might be more about show than what God wants. But I love it when God gives me the gift of leading someone to not just tell me that they will be praying for me but to just pray for me then and there, out loud where I can hear them as loud as God will. 

Is anyone among you afflicted (ill-treated, suffering evil)? He should pray. Is anyone glad at heart? He should sing praise [to God]. Is anyone among you sick? He should call in the church elders (the spiritual guides). And they should pray over him, anointing him with oil in the Lord’s name. And the prayer [that is] of faith will save him who is sick, and the Lord will restore him; and if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Confess to one another therefore your faults (your slips, your false steps, your offenses, your sins) and pray [also] for one another, that you may be healed and restored [to a spiritual tone of mind and heart]. The earnest (heartfelt, continued) prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available [dynamic in its working].   

James 5:13-16, (AMP)

For no word from God will ever fail~Luke 1:37, NIV

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Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;
answer me, for I need your help.

Protect me, for I am devoted to you.
Save me, for I serve you and trust you.
You are my God.

Be merciful to me, O Lord,
for I am calling on you constantly.

Psalm 86-1-3, NLT

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As we knelt, this song by JJ Heller played. Please listen and hear her voice tell the story of our hearts during that day.

Restore, Chapter 1---Community

This post has been a while in the making and as I sit this evening and attempt to put it all together I realize that there is too much to share for just one post. I will begin at the beginning and work and blog until it is all said. 

As I search for words to introduce the subject, I feel it is best that I use words that have already been written and not seen by all of you. We sent this letter out to a small group of family and friends a few weeks ago. 

Dear Friends,

Only a few of you know that Eric and I have been having a particularly difficult time as husband and wife lately. Some of these troubles have been around since our beginning. Instead of really confronting and dealing with the issues when they reared their ugly heads, they were hastily glazed over or not even looked at before they were swept away into a closet that held all the things that we couldn’t or wouldn’t think about at the time. That closet became so full that the door sprung open and the mess spilled into our “neat looking” home. These last months we have been desperately trying to clean up the garbage and try to find a way forward instead of giving up. 

June 29th will be our 15th wedding anniversary. In January, Eric and I talked about renewing our vows. Time passed and we talked ourselves out of doing it. I mean, why would anyone want to do that? You can do it privately, right? I didn’t want just a big show and, frankly, I was frightened. 

It scared me that we might fail again. This time more publicly than the last. You see, even though we see God at work in us and we are dealing with the problems, they are still there. Satan plagues us with our insecurities and weaknesses. We are under attack, my friends, and I knew that standing in front of others wanting to begin again would set him upon us worse than before.   

Well, the other day, I felt like the Lord spoke to me and told me that we needed to do this. It would not just be a “renewal of vows” but a restoration ceremony. He gave me the order, the songs, what He wants us to say. After talking it over with Eric again, we proceed. 

I believe God wants us to do this for 3 reasons:

--So that, together, we can celebrate the faithfulness, kindness, mercy and love that the Lord has extended on us, the undeserving. These 15 years have not been without blessing. Although there are other reasons to be thankful, Ty, Tess, Amelia, Jack and Dinah are at the top of that list.

--So that we can show others that might be having difficulty, they are not alone and there is help. I have had people tell me, “I wish we had what you and Eric have.” Others have thought we are “perfect”. Natalie Grant sings, “There’s no such thing as perfect people; There’s no such thing as a perfect life”. We aren’t perfect and we want others to know that they can do as we seek to do, “Come as you are, broken and scarred, Lift up your heart and be amazed and changed by a perfect God.” 

--He wants us to stand in front of all you, open in our troubles, weak, and tired, sometimes wanting to give up. In that brokenness, He wants you to be the witnesses to our PLANTING OF A FLAG OF BELIEF to say that HE WILL RESTORE. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________                 

In the days that led up to this service. I felt the Lord confirmed our decision to do this over and over. One of the things that I read during this time, was a entry on Ann Voscamp's blog with guest blogger Max Lucado, called "Step One: When You Feel Like You Are Sinking Fast".

I don't know about you, but even this over-sharer keeps some things to herself. Especially the things that hurt the most. It is difficult to admit you are suffering. It is hard to say why. Satan loves to place us under condemnation of our own making. We look around and we think we are the only ones failing. It is easier to cover it up, pretend, and hide. Sadly, it seems that we masquerade the most around the people that we should be able to be the most transparent with.

In this openness, we don't have to share dirty details. If the people you share with only want the details, then you probably shouldn't be sharing with them. As God's people we should care about the person, not the juicy gossip that can be wrung from the situation. It is the response we are afraid of. What will they think of me? Will they talk about me? Will I somehow become  an untouchable, one that no one will associate with? I think that praying for the sick is very important but is that still the majority of the items on the prayer list? I think that shows we are SCARED.

Even though there are some that will have that bad reaction, I believe in the best of the Church. There are people there waiting to embrace you with their arms, their love and their prayers. We mustn't let the fear of some keep us from the help of most.

Max writes,

"Tough times stir the hermit within us. We want to hide out, run away and avoid human contact. In reality, we need community. Lean on God’s people.  

Cancel your escape to the Himalayas. Forget the deserted island. Be a barnacle on the boat of God’s church." 

Would the sick avoid the hospital?

The hungry avoid the food pantry? 

Would the discouraged abandon God’s Hope Distribution Center? Only at great risk. His people purvey His presence.

He goes on to describe the events that take place in Exodus 17:8-13 New Living Translation (NLT)

^"8 While the people of Israel were still at Rephidim, the warriors of Amalek attacked them.⁹ Moses commanded Joshua, “Choose some men to go out and fight the army of Amalek for us. Tomorrow, I will stand at the top of the hill, holding the staff of God in my hand.”¹⁰ So Joshua did what Moses had commanded and fought the army of Amalek. Meanwhile, Moses, Aaron, and Hur climbed to the top of a nearby hill. ¹¹ As long as Moses held up the staff in his hand, the Israelites had the advantage. But whenever he dropped his hand, the Amalekites gained the advantage. ¹² Moses’ arms soon became so tired he could no longer hold them up. So Aaron and Hur found a stone for him to sit on. Then they stood on each side of Moses, holding up his hands. So his hands held steady until sunset. ¹³ As a result, Joshua overwhelmed the army of Amalek in battle."

Moses raised his arms in prayer for the battle but he became weary. Aaron and Hur were there to keep holding his arms up even when he was tired so that Israel and the Lord would win the battle. On June 29th, we asked for help. We asked for aide to brace our weary arms that had become noodle-like because they had been raised in prayer for so long.

I shared that day that as I thanked those that came to support us, that it isn't just about a difficult marriage. There are a lot of things that we struggle with here on this earth. We all need help at times. How many battles have been lost because we didn't ask for help? How many battles have been lost because we didn't offer help?

Oh, church! That we would share the battle! That we wouldn't be scared to say we are tired! That we wouldn't run away from a soul that looks like a hot mess! That we would be brave enough to REACH OUT, to STAY, and to spend our time HOLDING UP weary arms in Jesus Name!

When Life Isn't Sunshine and Roses

In telling the story of Gran and I, I have tried to be honest and present things the way they really are but also, in the words that Bing and the Andrews Sisters sang, in life and on the blog, I've tried to "accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, an' latch on to the affirmative" and not "mess with mister-in-between".



Well, I'm glad you enjoyed that piece because I'm about to deviate from that course of action to provide a little transparency.

I probably don't have to tell you that life isn't always sunshine and roses. It is easier when I write and then edit and edit and edit to tell you how it is all good, how I know that God is at work, and how appreciative I am of this experience. And honestly, I KNOW those things are true. Its just that here in my home, in reality and not on a computer screen with words, there are times I may not look like I KNOW. You might even say I look like I've never even HEARD of all those pious statements, much less believe them.

As I referenced at the end of my last blog post, I believe that God allowed me that rest on Mother's day weekend to prepare me for the coming days (or nights to be more exact).

The problems started on Monday morning. Granny was really confused and stayed awake in that state for 48 hours. On Wednesday night, she finally rested. Poor thing looked so peaked and pale on Thursday. She slept most of that day and all night that night. I thought we had turned a corner and that she would be much better after that. Not so. She slept a total of 2 hours (15 min increments) on Friday night and then slept a total of about 30 minutes on Saturday night.

Needless to say, by Sunday, I was not a nice, happy person anymore. Gran was better on Sunday but I could probably total the sleep and rest that I had for the week counting the hours with only the fingers of my two hands. No sleep=Anna-no-one-can-stand-to-be-around.

My nights had been filled with following Granny around while she wandered, answering her seemingly endless line of questioning, listening to her scoff at my answers, holding back hot tears, choking on my self-pity, begging God for at least 2 hours of sleep put together so that I wouldn't lose my mind.

Then the guilt:

I failed Granny. The poor woman didn't know that she had driven me to tears. She didn't know that she was keeping me from sleeping. She didn't know day from night. She didn't know that she had to be supervised all the time. She didn't know that I put her to bed 20 times at night. She didn't know that it was midnight instead of noon when she asked for a sandwich. She didn't know why she didn't want to finish it after I made it. She didn't understand why I didn't want to wash the dishes and let her dry after she was done.

I failed my family. I was short with my husband and shouted at my children. They didn't understand that I couldn't just go rest anytime I wanted. They weren't present for all of it to understand. I vented to my mom who can understand because she's been there and in doing so I made her feel bad for not being there more. The poor woman has no time to herself and I make her feel bad.

I asked for Gran. I wanted her to come here. I knew it would be hard. 

The same cycle began all over again yesterday evening. I think more of my fatigue at this point is mental. I fight the impulse to worry about tonight's rest or to be upset about something that I think will happen.

I know she is where she is supposed to be and that I am doing what is right by taking care of her. I love her. I know I want more comfort for HER and not for myself. I pray I change. I pray I rely on His strength and not my own. I pray that I can practice true selflessness someday and throw resentful selflessness in the garbage (because that isn't real anyway, is it?)

I don't write this to complain. I write this to let you know that it is a demanding, draining, difficult mission at times, and, that for now, those times are more often than not.  I write so that my fellow caregivers will see that when they feel like they aren't going to make it another night, they aren't alone in their struggles. It isn't easy all the time for me either. I write so that if you remember to, that you might offer up a prayer for us caring for our elderly loved ones. And most of all, I write to remind myself of what I KNOW.

Beautifully, after the darkest night, morning comes, I drink a strong cup of coffee, and everything becomes alright again. Gran laughs at me for looking so be-draggled and cranky and tells me I need to go back to bed. I laugh with her and say, "You know it." I make toast and know I'll be able to keep it together for one more day.

Then, like a balm for my wounds, Granny hands me her wrinkled, well-read (she reads it 10 times a day at least), paper copy of "The High Calling of an Everyday Life", and asks me if I've read it. I tell her that I wrote it. She smiles modestly, and says, "I didn't know I was that good." I give her a squeeze and tell her I love her. I thank God for one more night, even if it was a hard one.

Like always, God ministers to me through the songs of others. Right now this is the one that I'm feeling the most because, OH, how I need Him!

"Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You,
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh, God, how I need you."

"Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay"

Matt Maher - Lord, I Need You Ft. Audrey Assad (Official Lyric Video) from matt-maher on GodTube.

God Grant Me Serenity Concerning the Weather

I don't know about anywhere else because I have only lived in Mississippi, but the weather is always a topic of conversation. There are a few occasions when the comments are complimentary to God's choice that day: "Oh! What a gorgeous day!" It's really nice out." "Praise God, we needed this rain." or "The snow is so beautiful." But sadly, I hear complaints more often than not.

Over the past weeks, the topic of the unusual spring we are having has arisen. As I have heard many talking about, newsing about, tweeting about, facebooking about the weather, this prayer came to my mind:

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
enjoying one moment at a time; 
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will; 
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next. 
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I realize that this prayer is more often applied to subjects of far greater weight and import than the weather. But what if we applied it to the weather too?

Does complaining change the weather? No. 

Does God ordain the weather just as He does the other things in my daily life? Yes.

Are we wasting time worrying about something we can not change while we should be working on the things that we can? Yes. 

I've been watching Ken Burn's "The Dust Bowl" online. Now that was some weather to be concerned about. I think that those poor people would slap us across the face for complaining about 40 degree temps in May. 

If the weather bothers your sinuses or your arthritis, I see that you have some difficulty this time of year. I have those same problems. I am making a point in the future to take those pains to Him and not spread it across the World Wide Web before I do. 

Now, I'm going to post it again so we can read over the words one more time. I'm going to think about them and ask God to help me apply the words as He sees fit in my daily life.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 
enjoying one moment at a time; 
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will; 
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next. 
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr