Lately, the quote, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" comes to mind. (It is a bit of an exaggeration because my life isn't quite threatened, and I do not seek to compare myself to those who are fighting for their lives.)
I have been on the verge of tears for the past couple weeks and several times they have spilled over. I have felt lonely, misunderstood, anxious, and frustrated. I had a disagreement with a friend. Something I had planned that was very important didn't work out. I sent my 5 year old off to kindergarten. The sweet assistant had to pry my 5 year old off my leg when I left her in kindergarten. I have been lied to. I cleaned up a bathroom covered in poop twice (don't ask). I have some really big changes coming up that I am struggling not to worry about. A major project in my home is taking much longer than expected and has been a huge stress since its beginnings. It goes on and on.
The items on this list may not seem very bad to you. But, if you knew the particulars, and piled each thing on top of another, I think you would understand why it has been very hard to deal with it all. I have been tempted to sink to my knees, wave angry fists in the air, and cry, "Why me?" Instead, when my heart felt heavy in my chest and I carried that sick feeling in my middle, I literally stood in front of my mirror and recited aloud scriptures about peace over and over again.
As always, I struggled with my weakness and am angry at myself for feeling this way. I have been through worse and had a better attitude. Why can't I handle this? Why is it easier for me to trust Him with the big things and not the little things? I began examining myself and praying for wisdom.
During this difficult time, I had a conversation with an elderly lady I was caring for. It went like this:
"Have you ever felt God's presence?"
I replied, "Yes ma'am, many times."
She said "I wish I could feel Him because He was really down on me right now."
"Oh," I said softly,"when I am down is when I seem to feel Him the most."
She looked as if she were thinking for a moment and asked, "What does it feel like?"
It was my turn to think. How do convey to her something that words don't do justice? The best I could on short notice was, "It is kind of like a hug." Not meaning the physical touch but the feeling of security and comfort a good hug can give.
She nodded and was quiet for a moment before we continued talking about how the Holy Spirit is with everyone who places their faith in Jesus Christ, His birth, death, and resurrection, and accepts Him as their Saviour.
I thought a lot about this conversation and my contribution to it in the next few days. I thought about how I had been struggling and not allowing myself to rest in His presence. I had not been looking for Him. I sought the scripture but I thought only of the words and not the Power behind them. How long had it been since I felt His presence myself? If I believed what I told that lady, I knew He was there whether I felt Him or not. I thought about other times in my life when I felt His presence so strongly. How did it feel? What was it like? I went back in my mind's eye and watched myself live those moments again:
To a girl standing at the end of a gravel driveway, when she asked Him to make His home in her heart, He just felt right. He was all that was good. He was joy and laughter and He made her smile. He was excitement in her soul.
As a teenager who felt lonely, worthless, and friendless, who thought, "If only my car would wreck..."; One who cried out through tears as she was driving home one night in the dark, "I want to go Home, God. I just want to go Home!"; The earth was not kind and heaven was longed for so keenly; To this girl, His presence felt as a gentle hand stroking her hair, saying, "My child, it isn't time. I love you. I am all you need."
As a young woman, looking to her future, He was a steady hand as she traversed the rough terrain. He led the way. His strong grip, never letting go when she needed help to take the next step.
As a new mother, holding her tiny child in the night, overwhelmed with gratitude, praising Him for His overwhelming goodness; He was a proud Father, smiling looking at us both, saying, "What you feel for him is just a small taste of what I feel for you."
When with dread each morning, she traveled from her home, to go back to school, to help her small family, He was an encourager. He was a refuge. He was calm and still when all seemed chaos around her. And when the task was finally completed, and the good word came in the mailbox, He was her dancing partner all the way into the house. He was the "Hallelujah Chorus" in her head.
As she held the hand of a dying man and looked into his eyes and saw relief; as she prayed over his family members; as she washed his body to prepare it for burial; He was love and strength welled up within her.
When she birthed her stillborn son and held him in her arms, He was peace, sweet peace. When she couldn't get out of bed in the morning or could not rise from her face on the floor, He was the One who lifted her and carried her.
In the midnight on a bed in India, He was a gracious Father, holding His daughter on His lap, as she cried tears of joy into his neck.
When she welcomed a beautiful healthy daughter in the same room she had held her lifeless son, she felt He watched with love as He held a little boy up to see his baby sister, explaining to him that she had to stay on earth for a little while with his momma, before he could play with her.
Those were the big times. Those rough times that I found easier to put in His hands. Like the lady I cared for, I needed to feel Him now.
When I teach my children to pray, I want them to know that they are talking to God, not just saying words to the air. To help them, I tell them to close their eyes and picture Him and then talk to Him. So one evening as I was walking, I thought about what I tell them and I began to picture Him. His kind eyes looking at me and loving me. I began to feel peace that I had not felt in weeks. As the tears flowed, "How Great Is Our God" began to play into my ears from my iPod. I stopped in the road, and with hands raised to heaven, felt His peace wash over my body. All of the problems I had before were still there but I felt that I had been cleansed from the worry and anxiousness that plagued me before.
Did I carry that feeling non-stop after that? No, I had to keep recalling it, telling Satan to stay away from me, picturing Peace personified watching me and walking with me. Knowing that even if I didn't "feel" it that He was there anyway.
I begin a new job next week. After 5 years of working nights and weekends, I will have a Monday through Friday, 8 to 5 job. I will leave my little Dinah in another's hands. I will no longer be a nurse at the bedside. I will no longer be an old hand, but a new one. I will have to travel to a new city for a whole week away from home with people I hardly know. Sounds pretty scary to me. But....I feel that this is where He is leading me now and I will look for Him, and as before, He will be with me. I can't wait to find out what it feels like this time.
I hope that the lady I cared for finds out that God can take all the broken pieces, and make her whole. I pray that she can feel His presence soon.
Take a listen to Matthew West and "All the Broken Pieces". If you have never invited Jesus to come into your life and you want to read this "In Christ" and it will tell you how.
"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father our Lord Jesus Christ from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length, and depth and height---to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us." Ephesians 3:14-20
As I become quiet in His arms,
Anna
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