When Life Isn't Sunshine and Roses

In telling the story of Gran and I, I have tried to be honest and present things the way they really are but also, in the words that Bing and the Andrews Sisters sang, in life and on the blog, I've tried to "accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, an' latch on to the affirmative" and not "mess with mister-in-between".



Well, I'm glad you enjoyed that piece because I'm about to deviate from that course of action to provide a little transparency.

I probably don't have to tell you that life isn't always sunshine and roses. It is easier when I write and then edit and edit and edit to tell you how it is all good, how I know that God is at work, and how appreciative I am of this experience. And honestly, I KNOW those things are true. Its just that here in my home, in reality and not on a computer screen with words, there are times I may not look like I KNOW. You might even say I look like I've never even HEARD of all those pious statements, much less believe them.

As I referenced at the end of my last blog post, I believe that God allowed me that rest on Mother's day weekend to prepare me for the coming days (or nights to be more exact).

The problems started on Monday morning. Granny was really confused and stayed awake in that state for 48 hours. On Wednesday night, she finally rested. Poor thing looked so peaked and pale on Thursday. She slept most of that day and all night that night. I thought we had turned a corner and that she would be much better after that. Not so. She slept a total of 2 hours (15 min increments) on Friday night and then slept a total of about 30 minutes on Saturday night.

Needless to say, by Sunday, I was not a nice, happy person anymore. Gran was better on Sunday but I could probably total the sleep and rest that I had for the week counting the hours with only the fingers of my two hands. No sleep=Anna-no-one-can-stand-to-be-around.

My nights had been filled with following Granny around while she wandered, answering her seemingly endless line of questioning, listening to her scoff at my answers, holding back hot tears, choking on my self-pity, begging God for at least 2 hours of sleep put together so that I wouldn't lose my mind.

Then the guilt:

I failed Granny. The poor woman didn't know that she had driven me to tears. She didn't know that she was keeping me from sleeping. She didn't know day from night. She didn't know that she had to be supervised all the time. She didn't know that I put her to bed 20 times at night. She didn't know that it was midnight instead of noon when she asked for a sandwich. She didn't know why she didn't want to finish it after I made it. She didn't understand why I didn't want to wash the dishes and let her dry after she was done.

I failed my family. I was short with my husband and shouted at my children. They didn't understand that I couldn't just go rest anytime I wanted. They weren't present for all of it to understand. I vented to my mom who can understand because she's been there and in doing so I made her feel bad for not being there more. The poor woman has no time to herself and I make her feel bad.

I asked for Gran. I wanted her to come here. I knew it would be hard. 

The same cycle began all over again yesterday evening. I think more of my fatigue at this point is mental. I fight the impulse to worry about tonight's rest or to be upset about something that I think will happen.

I know she is where she is supposed to be and that I am doing what is right by taking care of her. I love her. I know I want more comfort for HER and not for myself. I pray I change. I pray I rely on His strength and not my own. I pray that I can practice true selflessness someday and throw resentful selflessness in the garbage (because that isn't real anyway, is it?)

I don't write this to complain. I write this to let you know that it is a demanding, draining, difficult mission at times, and, that for now, those times are more often than not.  I write so that my fellow caregivers will see that when they feel like they aren't going to make it another night, they aren't alone in their struggles. It isn't easy all the time for me either. I write so that if you remember to, that you might offer up a prayer for us caring for our elderly loved ones. And most of all, I write to remind myself of what I KNOW.

Beautifully, after the darkest night, morning comes, I drink a strong cup of coffee, and everything becomes alright again. Gran laughs at me for looking so be-draggled and cranky and tells me I need to go back to bed. I laugh with her and say, "You know it." I make toast and know I'll be able to keep it together for one more day.

Then, like a balm for my wounds, Granny hands me her wrinkled, well-read (she reads it 10 times a day at least), paper copy of "The High Calling of an Everyday Life", and asks me if I've read it. I tell her that I wrote it. She smiles modestly, and says, "I didn't know I was that good." I give her a squeeze and tell her I love her. I thank God for one more night, even if it was a hard one.

Like always, God ministers to me through the songs of others. Right now this is the one that I'm feeling the most because, OH, how I need Him!

"Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You,
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh, God, how I need you."

"Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay"

Matt Maher - Lord, I Need You Ft. Audrey Assad (Official Lyric Video) from matt-maher on GodTube.