We Only Cut Paper With Scissors

She looks so sweet here. She's cutting up index cards and saying, "We cut paper with scissors. We don't cut nofin' else with scissors", to herself.  

It's really all an act though. She knows I'm in the room. I have a feeling when I'm not watching she wears a sinister smile throws back her head and cackles, "We cut EVERYTHING with scissors!!! Hahahahaha!!" And then proceeds to cut everything in sight. 

Then she pulls out the little innocent face when I find that she has cut a whole in her Matilda Jane shirt or and inch off of her hair or the bathroom rug. "Dinah! We only cut paper with scissors!" 

Her perfect little mouth forms an O and she tilts her head and says, "Oohhhhh". Like she's never heard it before. If she had only known...

She passes the scissors to me as if they are offensive to her and she can't bear to hold them another second then clasps her hands in front of her. She stares at the floor with her precious, sad face only raising her eyes and flattering her lashes to peek at me occasionally as I rave on. 

"We only cut paper with scissors, Dinah," I say in another futile attempt to make her understand. 

Why don't you just keep the scissors from her?

Thanks for the suggestion. You are too kind.

I'VE TRIED!!

Believe me, I don't know where she gets them. I have a scissor stash out of her reach and she always finds another pair. She might as well be Edwina Scissorhands.

They are just things, aren't they?

But for heaven's sake, "WE ONLY CUT PAPER WITH SCISSORS!!"

Could You Define Miss America For Me?

I was not able to watch the Miss America pageant last night because we don't have television service in our home. I logged on to twitter before I went to bed and read the tweet by tweet commentary by my pageant watching friends. After the kids and Eric left for school, Dinah had breakfast and began watching a movie. I grabbed my phone to see which contestant won.

What I read made me sick to my stomach.

No, I'm not upset that the winner, Nina Davuluri, is of Indian descent.

I'm grieved because some of the comments I read essentially said this:

The Miss America pageant winner should be representative of the all-American girl and because Miss New York is of Indian descent, it basically disqualified her from this.

Just go to twitter and search #missamerica. You'll see what I mean.

REALLY, PEOPLE? REALLY?

Per the Miss America website, Miss America is required to be

• Be between the ages of 17 and 24.
• Be a United States citizen.
• Meet residency requirements for competing in a certain town or state.
• Meet character criteria as set forth by the Miss America Organization.
• Be in reasonably good health to meet the job requirements.
• Be able to meet the time commitment and job responsibilities as set forth by the local program in which you compete.

I don't notice anything in that statement that specifies a skin color or country of ancestral origin.

"Miss America represents the highest ideals. She is a real combination of beauty, grace, and intelligence, artistic and refined. She is a type which the American Girl might well emulate."

Those words were spoken by Atlantic City Chamber of Commerce President Frederick Hickman more than 75 years ago, and they still ring true today. Miss America is a role model to young and old alike, and a spokesperson, using her title to educate millions of Americans on an issue of importance to herself and society at large.

I could take the Miss America pageant or leave it. I haven't watched a broadcast of it in about 10 years. I didn't aspire to be her and I don't necessarily want my girls to be Miss America even though God made them VERY beautiful on the outside. (That's another blog post in itself.) There are many women who can have the qualities of "beauty, grace, and intelligence" or be "artistic and refined" and still be ugly on the inside, so forgive me if I'm not overwhelmed by pretty packaging and performance.

BUT,

I can't sit back and be silent when people bash a woman for not being the right ethnicity in the country that is made up of immigrants. We all came from somewhere else a few generations back except the Native Americans.


I'm going to leave you with a few quotes but first I congratulate Nina Davuluri, Miss America, 2014.

When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white man came, an Indian said simply, "Ours."  ~Vine Deloria, Jr.

Only Americans can hurt America.  ~Dwight D. Eisenhower

Not merely a nation but a nation of nations.  ~Lyndon B. Johnson

It is the flag just as much of the man who was naturalized yesterday as of the men whose people have been here many generations.  ~Henry Cabot Lodge

Quotes courtesy of www.quotegarden.com and www.missamerica.org

Photo credit 

Louie's Itchy Twitchy Feeling

This week we had a first. I am the one who got to take Louie (our new cocker spaniel) to see his new veterinarian for the first time. It was very much like taking a new baby to the doctor for the first visit after they are born.

We introduced ourselves to the receptionist. She handed me a clipboard so that I could tell them everything I knew about Louie. He was busy darting about undeterred by the fact that his collar and leash "clotheslined" him every time he did it.

Despite my reassurances and cooing that he "is a good dog, yes he is" while giving his coat a good rub, he did not feel the need to sit for longer than 2.5 seconds. How am I supposed to be able to fill this paperwork out? I kept thinking I should have brought help. The same thoughts I had taking a newborn to the doctor for the first time.

When the excitement of this new adventure wore off just a tad, he was still enough that I could consider the form.

Name:______________________

Whose name? My name or his name?

I moved on to the next blank.

Spouse:____________________

Well, as far as I know, Louie isn't married. So I just put mine and Eric's names in those blanks.

How will you pay for this visit?________________________

That is the same question I am asking myself, sister.

Is your pet ____part of the family___a child's pet____backyard pet?

Ok. I have issue with this question.

We adopted him. So I guess part of the family? He's our children's pet too, though. Does the fact that a pet is a backyard pet mean that he isn't part of the family or can't be your child's pet? Why don't they just go ahead and ask what they really want to ask?

Do you see your pet as a species of animal or a human with fur?

Do you love our pet more than your family members?

When Sarah McLachlan sings on the SPCA commercial, does it make you want to cry or does it make you a little bit nauseous?

I completed the form as honestly as I could without writing anything I have noted here in the margins.

After we had waited for a bit and listened to a long conversation between the vet and a farmer (who could win a literary prize for his description of his calf's diarrhea), the receptionist asked, "Why are we seeing Louie today?"

Ummmm......."Well-dog visit? We need a heartworm pill also."

She stopped flipping through the file that was in her hand, looked up at me and her face (not her words) kind of said, "That isn't a very good reason." Her voice said, "So, you want him tested for heart worms?"

"No. I don't think he has them. He was treated by a vet before. I just need to get a monthly medicine for him. It has been a month since he had his last dose." She continues to study the file. I followed up quickly with, "He's been itching. He scratches all the time. Even cries while he's scratching."

That did the trick. She was all ears now. Her face became animated and she gushed over Louie. "Poor Louie, bless your heart, yes, bless your heart. We will help you today, Louie."



Louie was weighed. He is a little bit heavier than he should be but I know how that is so we commiserated together in the exam room after the trip to the scale. I explained again why he only got half a scoop of food instead of a whole one like Charlotte. I think I could almost see that he was wondering why he hadn't seen me half-ing the scoops on my plate. Point taken, Louie. He inspected the room and after a bit settled in to wait for whatever came next.

The vet came in and asked a few questions. I called home to ask Teresa what the main ingredient is in his dog food. It was chicken. So that is good. Apparently.  (Our outdoor "backyard pet" Charlotte eats whatever we give her without a problem. It's really neat to see how she leaves nothing but perfectly shining, black olives out of the pile of mexican leftovers we give her. Licked clean except for olives. Amazing. But as evidenced by the fact that she is a "backyard pet" and according to the form, not a part of our family, you can see why we wouldn't know that she might be allergic to beef or dairy.

Louie was a star in the examination room. He didn't bark, bite or run away. He's following the good example set forth by all of the other members of the family. (It is interesting that he got a more comprehensive examination from his doctor that most adults have received from their doctor in years. And it didn't cost nearly as much. Just something to think about.)

He is a bit older than we were told by the people we adopted him from. We had noticed that his hair was turning grey and that his teeth were very worn to have been a 2 year old (as the the previous vet records noted). It's okay though. We may have adopted a grandpa dog but we love him for all his grandpa qualities. He never has accidents. He likes to lay around and just hang with you instead of bouncing from floor to chair, chair to floor. He's still spry but he's mature. We like that.

Back to the itching. Evidently, it could be any number of things so we are going to treat them all at the same time so we won't really know which one it is when it gets better. Then if it happens next time, we'll have to do all of it over again because we still won't have singled it out. I'm just a human nurse though. What do I know?

The doctor and the assistants were very kind and took a lot of time with Louie. That helped calm my nerves about handing him over to them and leaving him for a couple of hours while he got a Lime-Sulfur dip. Because he was not with us and around all manner of pets from unknown environments, it seems that the itching could be caused by a. mange, b. scabies, c. parasites. (If it isn't just an allergy.) It makes me, oh, so glad that we let him rub all over us and the furniture and bedding for the last couple of weeks.

The doctor and staff assured me that I didn't want to stay around for the dip because of the smell and they began questioning where he sleeps. In all likelihood the odor will linger for quite some time and he will need to be sequestered away from our loving, very hands-on children.

I gave Louie some love and explained to him that it was all for his own good. I let him know that sometimes we have to go through difficult things to get better. He wagged his tail in confirmation and was a brave dog as he went off with the assistant.

I wandered around town for 2 hours and then went back to pick up our newly stinky, middle-aged Louie. The doctor explained the medicine for Louie's ears (cockers have trouble with ear infections), the yeast medicine (cockers have trouble with yeast) and he noted that we would need to come back in one week for another Lime-Sulfur dip (cockers have trouble with their skin). (I would like to note that none of these tidbits of information were brought to my attention when I specifically asked the folks at the rescue if Louie had any health problems.)

I was pleasantly surprised that the fee for the day was less than I had speculated and that Louie did not stink as bad as I had prepared myself for. (We are used to the paper mill smell so I'm fairly tolerant.) He rode home with me sitting in the front seat (that was covered with a tarp), and did not seem traumatized in the least. I gave him a treat for being so brave and explained to him that the next few days at home would be different that his previous ones. He would have to stay in the kennel a lot and could not wallow on the beds.

He has been brave and patient so far. He whines a little bit and it upsets me to make him stay put. I called the vet yesterday to see when we could let him out and he said not until after the next dip. Everyone is really sad about that but we all want to do what is best to get Louie better as quickly as possible. He does seem to be scratching less. That is some comfort when the poor boy whines about his present situation.

If he was just a "child's pet" before he's officially "part of the family" now. The medicine bag from the vet made it so.

If It Feels Good, You Ain't Doing It Right

Football season is now upon us. In 2010, around this same time of year, the University of Alabama had a series on ESPN that gave an insider's look at Coach Saban, the players, and the practices. My husband is a really big Bama fan so you know that we watched these not once but twice. My little ones absorbed more of it than I thought they would. They went around the house repeating some of the motivational lines to each other.

It was so sweet.

Made us smile.

Our children are so cute.

Fall not only brings football but it usually brings the school beauty review with it as well. We didn't normally let the girls participate but Tess had been begging for a while and I had a job that let me be off on Saturdays for the first time in years, so we acquiesced.

One of the things that the girls do for the pageant is fill out a form that has a few questions on it. For example: Who do you most admire? What is your favorite color? etc. She was to pick answer at least 3 of the 5 questions. Unbeknownst to me, Tess filled out her form at school and turned it in without me seeing it.

After I found out that she had already handed the paper over, I asked about what she put on it. She most admires her nana (how precious) and her favorite color is blue (I knew that one already. I'm such a good mom.). One of the questions asked, "What is your favorite quote?" When she told me what she wrote there, I can tell you all the fuzzy feelings left me and I think I almost passed out.

She wrote: "If it feels good you ain't doin' it right."

If you would watch this clip (which was part of the ESPN series I was telling you about) you will find at 0:46 the strength coach of the University of Alabama football team screaming this sentence at the players. (I know you might not like Alabama but watch it anyway, or you won't get the post. I'm not trying to convert you.)

In the weight room, it makes sense.

On a elementary school beauty pagaent participant's form, it does not.





I quickly requested another form. We filled it out again and left that answer blank. I thought all was handled and crisis averted.

We found a dress on sale that suited her perfectly. Despite having to hold a crying baby in one arm and fixing Tess's hair with the other, hair and make-up looked lovely as well. We got to the gym, dressed her and pinned her number on. Amelia, Dinah and I made our way up to the stands to watch the review.

Tess's turn came around and she floated out onto the runway smiling and sparkling. I was so proud. That's my beautiful baby. Big smiles. As she promenaded and turned the MC read off the interesting facts from her form.

Then it happened.

In the calm cadence that the master of ceremonies adopted she read, "Tess's favorite quote is 'If it feels good, you ain't doing it right.'"

Without the context of a sweaty weight room and a man screaming it into the face of a football player, it sounded absolutely vulgar.

I wished for a black hole to come and swallow me up. All I could hear was the blood rushing into my head. THEY USED THE WRONG FORM! I couldn't tell if anyone else noticed. I was afraid to open my eyes and see a bunch moms staring at me, shaking their heads in disdain.

I got the courage to open my eyes and I even was able to whisper an explanation to her shocked Nana at my side.

Tess kept on smiling and the pageant moved on. They didn't disqualify her (there was a moment that this possibility crossed my mind) and she was awarded 2nd alternate. She was (and still is) very beautiful. I really think she would have been just as happy if she had not won any prize because she enjoyed dressing up like a princess so much. I was proud of how she behaved that day.

We fussed over her as much as we could without letting it all go to her head.  I held myself together about the quote until I was able to talk with Eric about it that evening. He was the only one who could really GET IT. He had seen the video that it was taken from. He knew about all of the mimicking around the house. He knew how I had taken it off the form and turned a new one in. I recounted the story and tried to convey how time seemed to slow as I felt the urge to throw myself at the podium shouting, "NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!"

After it was all over though, all we could do was laugh.  It was either that or cry so we laughed and laughed.

Until now, Tess hasn't been in another pageant. We filled out her form for this year's review the other day. Thankfully, there was no section that asked for quotes and I helped her fill out what I hope was the ONLY copy.

As I think about all of the things we do to achieve the world's idea of beauty (false eyelashes, pancake make-up, hot rollers, straighteners, tanning beds, Spanks, liquid diets, waxing, high heels that hurt our feet, etc.), I believe Tess had it right any way. If it feels good, you probably ain't doing it right.