Tonight, the Alcorn Central Elementary School first graders, along with Mrs. Tina Price Downs and her Music Makers, presented their Thanksgiving program.
Dinah was very excited as were we as we took our seats in the stands. We smiled at the eagerness in their faces as they waved to their families. We laughed when a child squealed as the program began. After a couple of really cute songs, they began their small skit. The point of it led them to list the things they were thankful FOR and Who they were thankful TO.
Well, I never expected to bawl my eyes out at the 1st grade program, but I lost it. Tears rolling down my cheeks--all I could do not to sob.
The Music Makers got me really going with their "Count Your Blessings" hymn. The 1st graders followed with the song "God Is So Good" with the things they were thankful for in the lyrics.
I couldn't quit crying. My eyes were a river let loose.
There are so many times that I feel that my "thankfuls" might be by rote instead of an true overflow of my heart. Well, tonight, my heart filled up and over-flowed through my eyeballs.
The program was quickly concluded and I still had not got a hold of my emotions. I got some strange looks, a few "are you ok?'s", and Dinah's confused query, "Why are you crying Mama? It's just a program."
I hugged my own Mama, Mrs. Tina, and Jennifer Marshall and tried to explain myself through blubbers and sniffles.
After most of the folks cleared out, Tina sat beside me and checked to make sure something else wasn't going on. I told her I was ok. There really was something else going on. In explanation, I said, "I'm coming out of some very dry years and it's good now. It's just good." She nodded that she understood.
Over the past few years, when someone asked about how I was, and I attempted to be honest in my response, I would say things like, "I'm feeling low" or "I've got a black cloud over me" or "I'm just exhausted". Those things were true but I was just avoiding calling things by their real name. I have been depressed. Not "the blues", "in the dumps", or "bummed"
--DEPRESSED--
I wrestled with it until I became so overwhelmed I succumbed to it. All my smiles and cheer were used in the effort of work and social occasions I couldn't avoid. My family and home suffered most because I had no desire to leave my bed the morning and nothing left to give them when I came home at night. When I woke, I counted to hours until I could sleep again.
My God and I had a steady dialogue but terms were strained at best. So many deep struggles, so many questions, and ultimately I threw the blame His way.
A few months ago, fed up with myself, desperate for something different, I did something I had put off for years. I went to my doctor and I asked for help.
I know I'm a nurse but that just means I don't take medicine. I love a good supplement. I'll swallow Apple Cider vinegar, swish coconut oil around in my mouth, and soak my feet in salts, but I don't take "maintenance" meds.
But there came a point where the potential side effects, the trouble of it, or the cost, were small things
compared to what I was losing.
My doctor listened carefully to my symptoms and my concerns. Then she outlined what she thought would be the best approach. I moved another step forward.
The first med I tried helped me become more steady, but I didn't become any more energetic. After a few months (and 20lbs), we re-evaluated and changed it. I made more of an effort with my diet and exercise. Small steps, but steps just the same.
It took a bit, but these past few weeks, I've felt like a person again--not just a slug on the carport of life.
I don't dread after work and school activities. I want to be around people. I wake and feel the need to work or clean or move with purpose. My time with my family isn't endured with later pain and regret, but enjoyed and soaked up. These small things have been so foreign for so long.
Best of all, my conversations with my Maker have changed. There are still questions but I don't question Him. I'm eager to spend time with Him instead of trying to avoid facing my truth with His.
I share these things because you may be like me: struggling. Or you may think I've got it all together--you need to know I don't. Or you need reminding that God helps in many different ways, and we only cheat ourselves when we don't feel we to accept that help in the way He wants to give it.
I know medicine isn't a cure-all. Believe me, I see every day what it DOESN'T cure. But I also see and have experienced how the body needs some extra help sometimes and there isn't shame in getting it when you are willing to do your part too.
Back to the Thanksgiving program:
Those tears tonight were my water after the desert. Nothing makes you more thankful for wealth than times of poverty.
I am rich with the gifts from God that those children sang of and I weep in thankfulness.
Anna Becoming
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