Walking With Sunshine

Dinah and I went walking yesterday morning. Amelia was up early and did not want to be left behind. I was concerned that she would grow tired and want to turn home. I detailed the plan for the walk, with emphasis on the fact that it would be long. She was not deterred. She wanted to go too. She decided to bring her scooter.


I did not keep my usual pace but we were moving steadily at first. Dinah looked at everything around her and kicked her legs happily in her stroller. Amelia talked and talked and talked as she scooted along side us. She barely paused for breath. I was unable to even answer most of her rapid fire questions before she had moved on to the next one. At one point she noticed a bud in my ear and asked, "Are you listening to music?" in an accusatory tone that insinuated that I had not been listening to her. I let her know that it was turned down low and that I only had one in so that I could listen to her. That seemed to be an satisfactory explaination because she resumed her recitation where she left off.

At the halfway mark she asked why her side hurt. I explained that she probably had a cramp. I asked her if she wanted to rest or for me to call her daddy, but she was determined to continue. She was a trooper and she almost made it the entire way. With a quarter of a mile left she allowed her daddy to come pick her up at the "shortcut". Even as she walked up the hill with Daddy on her road and I on the other side of the trees on my road, she talked until she could not see me through the branches. I smiled the entire way home.

Even though I did not sustain my target heart rate for more than a minute at a time, I think the walk was good for me. My heart will last years longer from hearing that sweet little girl say, "I love spending time walking with you, Mommy. This has been the best walk ever!"

Too Cool For Air Conditioning

Well, the air conditioning is out. It has been since Saturday. The temperatures in the upper 90's are really being felt in this house. I ran from the tiny window unit in the unfinished addition to the Towering Inferno that we used to call the upstairs to fetch things to get ready for work. I always forgot something and had to "go back in there." There was a lot of sighing going on. This is where my train of thought took me; Care to take a ride?

Oh my goodness, it's HOT!
Cold shower. check!
Sweating even before done toweling. Bad.
Gather getting ready things, clothes, shoes, watch.
Quickly.
But move slowly.
Need to not sweat more.
Ceiling fan.
Not helping much but moving air.
How do some people do this all summer?
I need to see if we can afford to donate a couple of box fans to the Salvation Army.
Go down stairs to stand with my face 2 inches from window unit to stop melting process.
Thank you, God for air conditioning.
Some people don't have air conditioning.
Tripped on a piece of bedding in the floor of the addition.
Kids thought it was fun camping in the unfinished room.
If this were a covered wagon...I feel like a pioneer.
Thank you, Lord for fun with the kids.
Oh Sugar! I forgot something upstairs!
I'm stinking already.
We think some people smell because they don't take care of themselves.
Maybe they don't have AC.
Maybe instead of being grossed out, we should get to know them and see if they need help.
Don't usually wear perfume to work, but spray, spray.
Thank you, Lord for perfume.
Lord, please don't let my patient's be allergic.
Mop face again.
I'll prop my little blush mirror on the window unit.
Have I thanked you before, Lord, for this amazing invention we call a window unit?
Do I even bother with the make-up?
It is your second night, Anna.
You don't want the patient's who saw you last night worrying if you are unwell.
Maybe I should have called in HOT.
Stop being so dramatic, Anna.
Thank you, Lord, that I'm well enough to work.
Thank you for AC at work.
Dinah's hair is so curly from sweat. She looks so sweet.
I need to get Eric to stay at his dad's with the kids.
Tess and Ty can go to Momma's.
Thank you, Lord for a family that cares and can help.
I bet our electric bill will be lower this month.
Thank you, Lord, that we are able to pay our electric bill.
Please give us the opportunity to pay someone's bill who needs it.
Yay! I made it to the van AC.
Blow, Baby, Blow!
Thank you for a vehicle that has AC that works.
Some people have to drive all summer without it.

As I write this the workmen have come.
I probably shouldn't hug them. It might embarass them.

Update: He says there isn't anything wrong now. It is blowing cool air now. Call us back if it does it again.

Lord, was this a test?
You know the children are going to want to sleep in the floor all the time.
Thank you for the AC perspective.
You know I don't like to get too comfortable.


Anna Becoming

Where Is My Miracle?

Believe it or not, blogging can be hard. Some of the things I write about just pour out of me and I can't wait to get it down. Others, have to roll around in my mind and heart a bit. Sometimes, I don't even want to tell you about it. I often want to hold the moment close and not let go of it, but with time, as God leads, it is better to let it fly to you than for me to continue to cradle it. Then there are experiences that I don't want to share because I am ashamed of them. I don't want anyone to think that I struggle with such a horrible things. I know that Satan loves a secret shame. He wants to hold it over me and condemn me for it. God wants to bring it to light and forgiveness. Also, God has revealed time and again that we humans share struggles and I deeply desire that others benefit  from the retelling of God's faithfulness to me, a faithfulness He offers to all that believe in Him.

This telling of my heart is one I didn't want to write about. I have been explaining to God each time He has urged me to put it down the reasons that I should not share. "God, they are bored to death of that topic, (and by the way, I am too. I'd rather not visit that again, if you don't mind.)" "God, what if it hurts those that I care so much about?" "What if they don't understand or misinterpret my meaning?" He has ignored my explanations and I am here out of a reluctant obedience. He has assured me that it will be okay.

My subject is Jack. Those of you who follow this know that in February it has been 3 years since he went from my body to God's hands. I have also shared with you that for the first year or so, I didn't question God's decision to take him. As I reflect though, I see it was there, I just didn't want to face it. That came later.

The first time I remember it sneaking into my mind, it was brought to me by another, someone who loved me, and dealt with their questions before me. To understand this post, you must know that he was a perfectly formed, beautiful healthy boy until my 38th week who died in utero because of his umbilical cord wrapping around his neck. This person said that they heard testimony of a grandmother rejoicing about her grandchild. Her daughter had an accident late in her pregnancy and even though she was not harmed from the accident an ultrasound was performed as precaution. Because of that ultrasound, the doctors were able to see that the child's umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and that the baby was in distress. The baby was delivered early as a result and was saved. My loved one brought me her hurt for me. She said that she could hardly bear hearing the story because she wondered to God, "Why did you let her know and not Anna? It would have been that easy for You." At that time, I didn't think about things like that. I couldn't. So the thought was put aside.

Another time that stands out in my memory was at a Wednesday night service, where individuals shared their experiences with guardian angels. I had not even been thinking of Jack that evening when I walked in. Time had passed and God's healing was evident, but all had not been faced, and needed to be. Over and over, as the people spoke of their dire circumstance and of the warning the angel gave them, or of the angel letting them know that they would be safe. As I listened, the grandmother's testimony came to mind. All of these people were given a warning. Silent sobs wracked my body and tears streamed down my face as I sat there.

Where was my warning? Where was my angel? I walked out quickly with my head lowered that evening, afraid to give voice to the turmoil in my heart. I remember talking about it some with Eric and concluding again as always that we don't know why but that He did and that had to be enough.

Time heals all wounds, right? Well, here I am, 3 years later and I still deal with questions and pain. Every time I hear someone say of their unborn baby, "We don't care if it is a boy or a girl, just as long as it is healthy", I feel a twinge in my heart. You see, I and many others I know, would have taken even a sick or broken baby.

And now the worst of it, as I sat the other day truly praising God for miracles in tiny babies' bodies, a thought slips in unbidden. "God, I didn't even get a chance to pray for healing. You didn't even give me the chance to ask You. There was no warning. No angel. No opportunity to plead for his life. I'm so glad for these babies, and I wouldn't take it from them, but you could have healed Jack too. What about me? Where was my miracle, Lord?"

On my face that day, in the floor of my bedroom, after I cried out for forgiveness. He lifted my chin and spoke softly to me words I know as truth:

“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
“ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts."

And then He said to me,

"I love you, Anna. Where is your miracle?

The miracle is what I am doing in you."

And now even though I don't understand. I don't have to anymore. Those words are enough.

Isaiah 55:8-13

New King James Version (NKJV)
8“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
9 “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
10 “ For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
And do not return there,
But water the earth,
And make it bring forth and bud,
That it may give seed to the sower
And bread to the eater,
11 So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12 “ For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills
Shall break forth into singing before you,
And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
And it shall be to the LORD for a name,
For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

So, if you are looking for your miracle, maybe, just maybe, the miracle is God working in you.

This Is Going to Make You Stronger

I have some friends who are going through some really difficult circumstances. If you knew all the particulars, you would think that those circumstances were hopeless. In and of ourselves, they are. But God is still on His throne. He still cares and loves. He's got you covered. I just wanted to send this out today to let you know I am thinking of you and praying for you. So listen to this song by Mandisa and be encouraged, my friends.

Hey, heard you were up all night

Thinking about how your world ain't right

And you wonder if things will ever get better

And you're asking why is it always raining on you

When all you want is just a little good news

Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head

It's gonna end

God's right there

Even if it's hard to see Him

I promise you that He still cares

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

And things can only get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger

Believe me, this is gonna make you ...

Try and do the best you can

Hold on and let Him hold your hand

And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus

Oh, lift your head it's gonna end

God's right there

Even when you just can't feel Him

I promise you that He still cares

'Cause if He started this work in your life

He will be faithful to complete it

If only you believe it

He knows how much it hurts

And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under

Hold on just a little bit longer

He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger

The pain ain't gonna last forever

In time it's gonna get better

Believe me

This is gonna make you stronger

Love,

Anna

Midnight Musings

Well, night shift has officially ruined my beauty sleep. I couldn’t keep my head up because I was so sleepy all day and now that I am supposed to be in dreamland, I can’t get there. I laid in bed with my eyes squinted shut for about an hour and have finally given up to try to be a little productive during the hours that my brain is functioning. I began with a little candlelight cleaning. Maybe the kids will think a cleaning fairy came. Sadly, they have come not to expect much of it from me. I then made a great find. I dug through some clothes bins and found the one labeled “Anna’s Summer Clothes”. They have been in there for a couple of years. I was pregnant two summers ago and Dinah was born in May of last year. Dinah being the fifth child (I hate to blame her but I will anyway), I was still wearing maternity left-overs when the cool of fall came. I am delighted to announce that all of them fit! YAY! (My pocket book rejoices with me.)


As I performed the above tasks in the eerie quiet that the midnight hour can bring, my thoughts were on the scriptures that we have been studying in Sunday school. We have been in Colossians for several weeks. This is the passage that we have been meditating on as of late:

Colossians 3


Living as Those Made Alive in Christ


1 Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. 3 For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. 4 When Christ, who is your[a] life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.


5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. 6 Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.[b] 7 You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. 8 But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. 9 Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. 11 Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.


12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.


15 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 16 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Well, now that you have read it, you can imagine why I am still thinking of it.

LORD, HELP ME!

As Satan would like for me to feel, I am tempted to wonder where even to begin and thus just give up on the whole project of self-improvement for Christ’s sake. But, in Jesus name, I say, “Get away from me, you ole Devil”, and seek to begin just where I am.

As I ask the Lord’s forgiveness, I ask yours as well. Tears well up in my eyes as I think of the ways I have wronged those I love and those I barely even know. Christ lives within me. Any of this black sin that comes in, makes its appearance because I let it. I don’t want to be that way. I want to put on LOVE first, because if I love, truly, I will be able to put off all of those horrible things. Compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience, bearing with one another, and forgiving are sure to follow.

So many times reading God’s word, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the Bible. How privileged we are to have it as guide! I read passages like these and know that if there is hope for the Colossians, there is hope for me. The people Paul were writing to were just like us, humans struggling to put off them the evils of the world and self and put on all the good that dwelt within them through the Holy Spirit.

So I am singing to God with the gratitude that is in my heart. I will see the bad and recognize it for the evil that it is. I will not make excuses. I will ask forgiveness, turn from my sin and walk in a new way. I rest in His forgiveness and allow His peace to rule in my heart. I will wear His yoke of kindness that fits perfectly, lightens my load, and helps me walk on the path of freedom. Oh, how I hope that you know Him too.

Becoming,

Anna

P.S. This is the first verse of the passages we study in the coming week:

18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

LORD, HELP ME!