Where Is My Miracle?

Believe it or not, blogging can be hard. Some of the things I write about just pour out of me and I can't wait to get it down. Others, have to roll around in my mind and heart a bit. Sometimes, I don't even want to tell you about it. I often want to hold the moment close and not let go of it, but with time, as God leads, it is better to let it fly to you than for me to continue to cradle it. Then there are experiences that I don't want to share because I am ashamed of them. I don't want anyone to think that I struggle with such a horrible things. I know that Satan loves a secret shame. He wants to hold it over me and condemn me for it. God wants to bring it to light and forgiveness. Also, God has revealed time and again that we humans share struggles and I deeply desire that others benefit  from the retelling of God's faithfulness to me, a faithfulness He offers to all that believe in Him.

This telling of my heart is one I didn't want to write about. I have been explaining to God each time He has urged me to put it down the reasons that I should not share. "God, they are bored to death of that topic, (and by the way, I am too. I'd rather not visit that again, if you don't mind.)" "God, what if it hurts those that I care so much about?" "What if they don't understand or misinterpret my meaning?" He has ignored my explanations and I am here out of a reluctant obedience. He has assured me that it will be okay.

My subject is Jack. Those of you who follow this know that in February it has been 3 years since he went from my body to God's hands. I have also shared with you that for the first year or so, I didn't question God's decision to take him. As I reflect though, I see it was there, I just didn't want to face it. That came later.

The first time I remember it sneaking into my mind, it was brought to me by another, someone who loved me, and dealt with their questions before me. To understand this post, you must know that he was a perfectly formed, beautiful healthy boy until my 38th week who died in utero because of his umbilical cord wrapping around his neck. This person said that they heard testimony of a grandmother rejoicing about her grandchild. Her daughter had an accident late in her pregnancy and even though she was not harmed from the accident an ultrasound was performed as precaution. Because of that ultrasound, the doctors were able to see that the child's umbilical cord was wrapped around the baby's neck and that the baby was in distress. The baby was delivered early as a result and was saved. My loved one brought me her hurt for me. She said that she could hardly bear hearing the story because she wondered to God, "Why did you let her know and not Anna? It would have been that easy for You." At that time, I didn't think about things like that. I couldn't. So the thought was put aside.

Another time that stands out in my memory was at a Wednesday night service, where individuals shared their experiences with guardian angels. I had not even been thinking of Jack that evening when I walked in. Time had passed and God's healing was evident, but all had not been faced, and needed to be. Over and over, as the people spoke of their dire circumstance and of the warning the angel gave them, or of the angel letting them know that they would be safe. As I listened, the grandmother's testimony came to mind. All of these people were given a warning. Silent sobs wracked my body and tears streamed down my face as I sat there.

Where was my warning? Where was my angel? I walked out quickly with my head lowered that evening, afraid to give voice to the turmoil in my heart. I remember talking about it some with Eric and concluding again as always that we don't know why but that He did and that had to be enough.

Time heals all wounds, right? Well, here I am, 3 years later and I still deal with questions and pain. Every time I hear someone say of their unborn baby, "We don't care if it is a boy or a girl, just as long as it is healthy", I feel a twinge in my heart. You see, I and many others I know, would have taken even a sick or broken baby.

And now the worst of it, as I sat the other day truly praising God for miracles in tiny babies' bodies, a thought slips in unbidden. "God, I didn't even get a chance to pray for healing. You didn't even give me the chance to ask You. There was no warning. No angel. No opportunity to plead for his life. I'm so glad for these babies, and I wouldn't take it from them, but you could have healed Jack too. What about me? Where was my miracle, Lord?"

On my face that day, in the floor of my bedroom, after I cried out for forgiveness. He lifted my chin and spoke softly to me words I know as truth:

“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
“ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts."

And then He said to me,

"I love you, Anna. Where is your miracle?

The miracle is what I am doing in you."

And now even though I don't understand. I don't have to anymore. Those words are enough.

Isaiah 55:8-13

New King James Version (NKJV)
8“ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
9 “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
10 “ For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
And do not return there,
But water the earth,
And make it bring forth and bud,
That it may give seed to the sower
And bread to the eater,
11 So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
12 “ For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills
Shall break forth into singing before you,
And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
13 Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
And it shall be to the LORD for a name,
For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

So, if you are looking for your miracle, maybe, just maybe, the miracle is God working in you.