Christmas Surprise

Eric and I decided to do something different this year for the children. Instead of the usual routine of the children telling us"this is what I want for Christmas...." and Eric and I getting it for them, we decided to ignore them completely and do what we wanted. :) Well, not exactly.

We did think of what they might want and not ask for. Like a trip. We don't get to vacation much. In fact, we have taken three trips since the children have been born. We took Ty to St. Louis when he was 9 months old. We went on a mission trip with Ty and Tess to Maryland when they were 3 and 5. Our last jaunt was to Florida to stay with my mom a couple of years ago. I'm not complaining. We just don't go very often because it isn't in the budget.

So for this Christmas because of the generosity of some friends, we have the opportunity to visit the beautiful Smoky Mountains. To make it more fun, we decided to keep it a secret until Christmas morning and make their gifts clues to the trip. Each gift had a number on it and the kids opened them all in turn. I made up a little rhyme to accompany each round of presents that should set them on to the prize.

We purchased cold weather gear, games, books and other things to do on the car ride. I'll give you a sample of a few of the clues:

                 For the Pajamas: Something to keep you warm at night, Snuggle up and sleep tight.

                 For Long Underwear: You must wear these thermals underneath, they will help you hold

                                                   your body heat.

                 For games:For trips in the car, long rides....games make us laugh until we have pain in our sides.

                 For their boots: When the snow falls on a crystal morn, boots are sturdy and must

                                             be worn.

I know they aren't much, but the kids thought that they were fun. The final presents were suitcases. The luggage tags said, "Smoky Mountains Bound"The rhyme associated with them was "Suitcases! Travel! On-the-road! Off to the mountains! Here we go!"

It was really fun. I put travel sized toiletries in their stockings. They got into them before they opened their gifts. The children were a bit perplexed but still tried to be polite.Ty said, "Oh. Wow. Thanks Mom. Soap. Hmm. That's great." Tess and Amelia were excited about every gift. Even the travel sized Germ-Ex. Dinah just sat wide-eyed looking back and forth between the laughter and shouts. She quietly chewed on any piece of wrapping paper she could get her hands on.

Our decision was confirmed many times that day. Amelia explained to us about how we would know that we were on a mountain because it would have snow on it. She said, "We will look up momma and say, 'What a beautiful mountain.'" Tess wanted to have the phone immediately so that she could call her friends to tell them the good news.

Ty didn't pick up on the cold weather/warm clothes clues because he guessed that we were going to Disney world about half-way through.  He wasn't disappointed though when they found out we were going to the mountains. It was special when he hugged me and whispered, "This is the best Christmas ever."



I'll make sure to post a picture of that beautiful mountain when we are on it.

Becoming overwhelmed with love and thankfulness,

Anna

Looking Back and Looking Forward

I love Christmas. I like the excitement, surprises, sharing, and time spent with people I love. I like slowing down, being still, and taking time to absorb all the blessings that surround me. This season was made more special because it was little Dinah's first Christmas. Having her here made each celebration, activity, and moment a little more exciting.

The older children enjoyed watching her reaction. Being a mere 7 months, they often read into her expressions and interpreted her thoughts for the rest of us. "Oooo. She likes that, Momma."  She was passed around and guided through the holiday by three experienced siblings.Even if she didn't understand, I relished whispering the first Christmas story into another tiny ear. Her large, baby blues focused on my lips while I sang simple carols that she will learn for herself in coming years.

While all these things, made the season brighter, a few things still remain difficult. I already shared that making the Christmas card picture of the children or our family makes my heart ache a little. Making the picture isn't the only hard part about it. I have to sign, love from the Lancasters and not sign Jack's name. I know it may seem silly to you, but I still think of that every time I write that.

I don't allow myself to dwell on what might have been. I purposely don't think of how big he would be if he were here now, or what toys I would be buying him. But I do want to make a special point of remembering what was and looking forward to what will be.

I think about how much he was loved and expected. He is and always will be part of "the Lancasters". I don't usually do stockings because Santa doesn't come to our house (a whole other blog topic), but this year I put them up.

I was a the Dollar Tree and saw this stocking holder and decided on the spur of the moment that it would be a good thing for us to have it in our home. So I scooped up 7 stockings and holders including this one for our mantle at home. I showed Eric first and he liked the idea. The children like to remember Jack and when I showed them this they were very glad. They told everyone who that stocking and holder was for. They knew that it looks like the train on Jack's gravestone that I showed you in "The Grave".

When I think of him, I think of all the people who are experiencing Christmas without someone they love for the first time. I pray for comfort and peace for those hurting hearts. But this year as I think of and pray for these things, I am able to not only look back, but I can look forward with a happy heart. With that happy heart, I ask God for new things.

God ties the past with the future with that little baby Jesus born a couple thousand years ago. Because of that baby, I can remember my son and know that I will get to see him again one day. Because of Christmas, the birth, life, death and resurrection of the Son of God who came to earth, we have a future. A future more glorious and beautiful that our minds can comprehend.

My prayers are praises for His provision of the Lamb. I thank Him for the salvation I have in Him. I pray for an opportunity to share His love and Gift with others. I pray that those that need Him have receptive hearts and ears to accept that most precious gift.

I have shared this before but it is worth sharing again:

I am a sinner.

I deserve to die for my sin.
I can't do anything by myself to save myself from that death.
God is a loving God.
He doesn't want to see me punished.
But God is a just God.
He must punish sin.
God sent His Son to earth to live a perfect life, die on a cross, rise from
the dead to pay the price for my sin.
By trusting in God and by believing in Jesus Christ alone for
eternal life I was saved from this death.
By faith, I transferred my trust from myself to Jesus Christ.
I will go to heaven when I die and live eternally with Him.

Even though I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior,
it doesn't mean that I don't sin. Sadly, I still do. But because
of my relationship with Him, I can ask forgiveness for that
sin and He forgives and forgets and I try to do better.
But because I am His, I can never be separated from Him.


You too can have this certainty, peace, and strength.
He offers it to all.
You just have to accept His free gift.


If you have already accepted this gift,I am so happy to have
you as a brother or sister in Christ. I hope you share with
someone else today what He means to you.
But if you haven't and you would like to have this gift, please accept it now.
All you have to do is ask for it through prayer to Him.


If you have a new relationship with Him,
He wants you to grow through prayer, reading the Bible,
worshiping Him, fellowship with other believers, and to tell
others what you have learned.

So there is our mantle with our whole family represented. It will be made whole again someday through the precious gift of the Saviour.

The Future Glory- Romans 8:18-25, NLT


18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. 19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. 20 Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, 21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us. 24 We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. 25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)
 
Becoming,
 
Anna

A Virtual Christmas Card

Well, its always something I put off until the last minute. I don't mean to. I look for the right card early. I often purchase beautiful ones in early November. I even address the envelopes a little at a time in the beginning of December. I choose special stamps at the post office just for your card.

The picture over the years has been a little more difficult to get. As one, two, three, four little faces were added, the probability of all of them smiling and looking at the camera has fallen. The smiles tend to fade after and hour and 100 pictures later. 3 years ago, they looked so forlorn we didn't even send out the cards. We were afraid that someone from the Department of Child Services would investigate the unhappiness of the children. For the past few years, my heart hurts a little just to look at them because one of my little faces is missing.

I keep trying year after year for a few reasons.

1. I want to tell ones I love at least once a year that we think of them, care for them, and wish them well.
2. I love showing off my beautiful children.
3. I enjoy receiving the gift our pictures of your families and I hope that the portrait of my family brings
    a smile to your face like it does mine.

This year, I bought cards the first week in December. I thought that I would just make prints and send out a card that I could write in. I wanted to be able to tell the person receiving it how special they are to us. Tess was sick the night of the church Christmas program so we were not able to take our family picture that night like I planned. Oh well, I decided to just dress the children up and take a picture of them. That session went well and we got a beautiful one. Then, I didn't get to load them and order any pictures until last week. I sent them to a local place instead of ordering them online like I usually do because I thought that it would be quicker. I picked up the prints just in time. I would address them that night and send them out the next day. The cards would arrive just before Christmas.

I opened the picture package and pulled out the prints. My heart sank. The pictures were mistakenly cropped. Ty and Dinah were in the middle, so they were safe. But poor Tess and Amelia were only half there.

"O.K., I GIVE UP!" I declared in a moment of defeat.

The moment passed and my hope was renewed when I thought I would send you a virtual Christmas card! (For those that don't have e-mail, I am sorry. I will try to get something out for the new year.) This way, I can attach several photos.

We do love you. We do think of you. We do wish you a Christmas full of joy. We hope that those that are hurting will be comforted. We pray provision for those with need. May your hearts be filled with the Spirit.

Merry Christmas.

Eric, Anna, Ty, Tess, Amelia, and Dinah Lancaster


"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many."
Mark 10:45

Becoming overcome with wonder, humility, and thankfulness,

Anna

Just another way to share the news...

I thought this was neat. Just another way to share the story....



Merry Christmas!
 
Becoming more in love with Him every day,
 
Anna

New Perspective

It was 8 am and it had already been a hard day. My fat pants were tight. I was late. The kids had fussed all morning. I didn't have time for breakfast. I was disgusted about eating it anyway because of the pants thing. I spilled my coffee. It was raining. The van wouldn't start. My back-up vehicle needed air in one tire and was low on gas. Dinah was crying as I left her to go to work. I began to tear up. What else could go wrong? Poor me.


Then listening to the radio, I hear a chorus of voices raised in song. A group of women singing Christmas carols. They weren't just ordinary women. They were prisoners from an Illinois correctional facility. Well, I didn't stop crying but the tears flowed for a different reason. My morning didn't seem so pitiful anymore.

My thoughts took a different direction. I am so wealthy, I get fat from all the food I eat. I have 4 beautiful children in my life. I get to drink warm, delicious coffee every morning. I have other clothes to change into when I spill something. I have a coat and umbrella to wear when it rains. I get to get up and go to work every day. I am not trapped in a room with only permission to move about when I am told. I can go anywhere I want. I not only have a car but I have a back-up vehicle when that one needs repair. I can afford to get a new battery for the repair. My baby girl gets to stay with her granddaddy who loves her while I work. I get to see my family again in 8 short hours.

Those women, who had made wrong choices, were locked up in a prison and still were singing. They were singing of the One who makes them free while I was acting like a prisoner. As I swallowed my dose of perspective, I thanked God for all the blessings in my life. I thanked Him for sending His son, as a baby, to live and die so that we all could have freedom in Him. I prayed for those women, saying a prayer of gratitude for their choice to look to Him. I prayed that He would ease the pain that they might be experiencing this Christmas season. I praised Him for allowing, second, third, and fourth chances, not just in their lives but in my own.

If you would like to download this album for free, look below. Hover over the picture and click to listen to some of the songs.

Housewives and Horses

A few weekends ago, while Eric and Ty were in Tuscaloosa watching the Tide play, I took Tess and Amelia to see the movie, Secretariat. Tess and Amelia love horses and I love history so this was good for all of us. All in all the movie was great. We cried, we clasped hands and held our breaths, then clapped and cheered (even though no one else did). Tess was wearing a large smile when the movie was over, and even though Amelia was sound asleep and had to be carried out, the next morning when I asked her, she said she liked what she saw.

During the movie, Tess looked at me with shining eyes and said with a voice filled with awe, "She never gave up!" She was refering to Penny Tweedy Chenery, Secretariat's owner and the heroine of the story. We couldn't help but admire her conviction and perseverance. If she had quit when others said that Secretariat could not win, he would have never won the Triple Crown and made history (I hope this doesn't ruin the end of the movie for anyone! Ha!).

I liked the movie a lot but as I pulled out of the parking lot, my mind was turning with questions. I remembered the look on Tess's face. Are this woman's actions something that I want Tess to admire? Yes, she, her team and her horse accomplished many things, but they came with a heavy cost.

I have never read the book and don't know Penny Chenery personally so I don't know what really happened but if the movie was true to life, I wonder at some of the choices she made. She chose to leave her home and family in Denver to travel to Virginia often even when her husband didn't want her too. One scene shows her crying while listening to her daughter sing over a phone because she missed her flight and could not be there. She made a decision that could have ruined not only her family's finances but her extended family's as well. She made these decision's over and over against the desire of her husband.

At the end of the movie, before Secretariat runs his last race to win the Triple Crown, there is a scene where her children and her husband embrace Penny and tell her how proud they are of her. It all ended well. But I think of how extraordinary these circumstances are.

What if she had been wrong? What if the horse had become hurt or ill? What if the jockey couldn't ride anymore? What if the financial backing had not come? Would it have all been worth it then? Would her husband be proud of her then? Or would he be resentful? Would her children be admire her or would they have been bitter because she chose to leave them to race a horse? If she had lost their home with her gamble, would they have felt it was worth it?

I do feel that if God leads one to do something, you should do it. Whatever brings Him glory is worth time and sacrifice. I am sure there were times Billy Graham left his family at home for weeks at a time. I just wonder if winning the Triple Crown was worth the time she lost with her children, worth the strife that it created between she and her husband., worth the respect that he lost when she defied him and didn't submit to his leadership. Would it not have been just as admirable to live a quiet life as a housewife and mother?

I know it is a choice that each woman has to make. I am not saying that her choice was right or wrong. Someone might wonder at the life that I have chosen. I just struggle with balance between family and outside obligations. I value the time I have a home so much it makes me wonder at one who willingly gives it up, when she had every opportunity to have it. I want Tess to see that her daddy and I make decisions together and not on our own. I want Tess to know that the way the world looks at a life and the way the Lord looks at it are two different things. I want her to realize that each step she takes is important and to walk them carefully.

Yes, sometimes I make simple things complicated.

We don't have to think the same way, we just need to think.

The Grave

Well, the task is done. It took over two years but Jack's grave has a headstone. Eric and I agreed on a final draft and the marker was ordered the week before I had Dinah. I didn't get to go see it until a month or so after she was born.

I was told that the company would call me when they placed the stone. They had not called when I went to the cemetery that day so seeing it for the first time was unexpected. Dinah was with me. I stood there looking at the grave of my baby boy holding my newborn baby girl in my arms.

When I first prayed for another baby after Jack's death, I thought that I would never feel whole again unless I had another baby. My wait for another child revealed that even though being pregnant again and having a baby might help me, it wouldn't heal me in itself. A baby wouldn't "fix" me and even if it did, the poor thing shouldn't have the responsibility of "fixing" their momma. Only God could accomplish the healing I needed.

In the days after Dinah's healthy birth, as I enjoyed my time with my precious girl, I still cried for Jack. When I held her, fed her, changed her, I thought of him. It wasn't the same hard, breath-taking grief that I had experienced before. It was a more gentle kind. A quiet longing, that I realized I would probably carry forever despite the great work of healing and restoration that God had accomplished in me.

As I stood there holding another "sunshine", I thought of how big he would have been now and how I wanted to see him. But I also thought of this passage as I had many times in these last 2 years:

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (The Message)



The Master's Coming


13-14And regarding the question, friends, that has come up about what happens to those already dead and buried, we don't want you in the dark any longer. First off, you must not carry on over them like people who have nothing to look forward to, as if the grave were the last word. Since Jesus died and broke loose from the grave, God will most certainly bring back to life those who died in Jesus.


15-18And then this: We can tell you with complete confidence—we have the Master's word on it—that when the Master comes again to get us, those of us who are still alive will not get a jump on the dead and leave them behind. In actual fact, they'll be ahead of us. The Master himself will give the command. Archangel thunder! God's trumpet blast! He'll come down from heaven and the dead in Christ will rise—they'll go first. Then the rest of us who are still alive at the time will be caught up with them into the clouds to meet the Master. Oh, we'll be walking on air! And then there will be one huge family reunion with the Master. So reassure one another with these words.

I thought long and hard before posting this picture. I know that some might be aghast at my posting a picture of a gravestone. I might have been one of them a long time ago. Is this something I need to share? I came to the conclusion that it was. Because I have shared previously about this in "You Are My Sunshine" and I had such a response from you, I thought that you might want to see how it turned out.

I still cry. I still miss him. But, I have hope in the future. A future where I won't have to stare at a stone. One where I'll get to reunite my family and see it whole again.

Becoming,

Anna

What Does It Feel Like?

Lately, the quote, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" comes to mind. (It is a bit of an exaggeration because my life isn't quite threatened, and I do not seek to compare myself to those who are fighting for their lives.)

I have been on the verge of tears for the past couple weeks and several times they have spilled over. I have felt lonely, misunderstood, anxious, and frustrated. I had a disagreement with a friend. Something I had planned that was very important didn't work out. I sent my 5 year old off to kindergarten. The sweet assistant had to pry my 5 year old off my leg when I left her in kindergarten. I have been lied to. I cleaned up a bathroom covered in poop twice (don't ask). I have some really big changes coming up that I am struggling not to worry about. A major project in my home is taking much longer than expected and has been a huge stress since its beginnings. It goes on and on.

The items on this list may not seem very bad to you. But, if you knew the particulars, and piled each thing on top of another, I think you would understand why it has been very hard to deal with it all. I have been tempted to sink to my knees, wave angry fists in the air, and cry, "Why me?" Instead, when my heart felt heavy in my chest and I carried that sick feeling in my middle, I literally stood in front of my mirror and recited aloud scriptures about peace over and over again.

As always, I struggled with my weakness and am angry at myself for feeling this way. I have been through worse and had a better attitude. Why can't I handle this? Why is it easier for me to trust Him with the big things and not the little things? I began examining myself and praying for wisdom.

During this difficult time, I had a conversation with an elderly lady I was caring for. It went like this:

"Have you ever felt God's presence?"


I replied, "Yes ma'am, many times."


She said "I wish I could feel Him because He was really down on me right now."


"Oh," I said softly,"when I am down is when I seem to feel Him the most."


She looked as if she were thinking for a moment and asked, "What does it feel like?"

It was my turn to think. How do convey to her something that words don't do justice? The best I could on short notice was, "It is kind of like a hug." Not meaning the physical touch but the feeling of security and comfort a good hug can give.

She nodded and was quiet for a moment before we continued talking about how the Holy Spirit is with everyone who places their faith in Jesus Christ, His birth, death, and resurrection, and accepts Him as their Saviour.

I thought a lot about this conversation and my contribution to it in the next few days. I thought about how I had been struggling and not allowing myself to rest in His presence. I had not been looking for Him. I sought the scripture but I thought only of the words and not the Power behind them. How long had it been since I felt His presence myself? If I believed what I told that lady, I knew He was there whether I felt Him or not. I thought about other times in my life when I felt His presence so strongly. How did it feel? What was it like? I went back in my mind's eye and watched myself live those moments again:

To a girl standing at the end of a gravel driveway, when she asked Him to make His home in her heart, He just felt right. He was all that was good. He was joy and laughter and He made her smile. He was excitement in her soul.

As a teenager who felt lonely, worthless, and friendless, who thought, "If only my car would wreck..."; One who cried out through tears as she was driving home one night in the dark, "I want to go Home, God. I just want to go Home!"; The earth was not kind and heaven was longed for so keenly; To this girl, His presence felt as a gentle hand stroking her hair, saying, "My child, it isn't time. I love you. I am all you need."


As a young woman, looking to her future, He was a steady hand as she traversed the rough terrain. He led the way. His strong grip, never letting go when she needed help to take the next step.


As a new mother, holding her tiny child in the night, overwhelmed with gratitude, praising Him for His overwhelming goodness; He was a proud Father, smiling looking at us both, saying, "What you feel for him is just a small taste of what I feel for you."


When with dread each morning, she traveled from her home, to go back to school, to help her small family, He was an encourager. He was a refuge. He was calm and still when all seemed chaos around her. And when the task was finally completed, and the good word came in the mailbox, He was her dancing partner all the way into the house. He was the "Hallelujah Chorus" in her head.

As she held the hand of a dying man and looked into his eyes and saw relief; as she prayed over his family members; as she washed his body to prepare it for burial; He was love and strength welled up within her.

When she birthed her stillborn son and held him in her arms, He was peace, sweet peace. When she couldn't get out of bed in the morning or could not rise from her face on the floor, He was the One who lifted her and carried her.

In the midnight on a bed in India, He was a gracious Father, holding His daughter on His lap, as she cried tears of joy into his neck.

When she welcomed a beautiful healthy daughter in the same room she had held her lifeless son, she felt He watched with love as He held a little boy up to see his baby sister, explaining to him that she had to stay on earth for a little while with his momma, before he could play with her.

Those were the big times. Those rough times that I found easier to put in His hands. Like the lady I cared for, I needed to feel Him now.

When I teach my children to pray, I want them to know that they are talking to God, not just saying words to the air. To help them, I tell them to close their eyes and picture Him and then talk to Him. So one evening as I was walking, I thought about what I tell them and I began to picture Him. His kind eyes looking at me and loving me. I began to feel peace that I had not felt in weeks. As the tears flowed, "How Great Is Our God" began to play into my ears from my iPod. I stopped in the road, and with hands raised to heaven, felt His peace wash over my body. All of the problems I had before were still there but I felt that I had been cleansed from the worry and anxiousness that plagued me before.

Did I carry that feeling non-stop after that? No, I had to keep recalling it, telling Satan to stay away from me, picturing Peace personified watching me and walking with me. Knowing that even if I didn't "feel" it that He was there anyway.

I begin a new job next week. After 5 years of working nights and weekends, I will have a Monday through Friday, 8 to 5 job. I will leave my little Dinah in another's hands. I will no longer be a nurse at the bedside. I will no longer be an old hand, but a new one. I will have to travel to a new city for a whole week away from home with people I hardly know. Sounds pretty scary to me. But....I feel that this is where He is leading me now and I will look for Him, and as before, He will be with me. I can't wait to find out what it feels like this time.

I hope that the lady I cared for finds out that God can take all the broken pieces, and make her whole. I pray that she can feel His presence soon.

Take a listen to Matthew West and "All the Broken Pieces". If you have never invited Jesus to come into your life and you want to read this "In Christ"  and it will tell you how.

"For this reason I bow my knees to the Father our Lord Jesus Christ from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length, and depth and height---to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us." Ephesians 3:14-20


As I become quiet in His arms,

Anna

I Cry Out

I have been staring at the same blog entry for three days. I keep rearranging the same three sentences, not knowing what else to say. So tonight when I can not make words, only tears, I will borrow the words of another. If you care to listen, play this.



Struggling against the one who hates who I am becoming,

Anna

The Beginning

I have been working on this new blog for a few weeks now. It began when I thought it was time that I updated my look on "Anna's Notes". If I was going to be a serious blogger, I needed a serious page. I began searching out new templates, backgrounds and headers. The more I looked, the more I wanted to just start fresh. I have never been a fan of my very uncreative title and address. I chose it in a rush to get my page up after being positively hounded by a couple of Johnsons (you know who you are Mat and Dena). Ha!

I took my time this go-around and I think my new title conveys what my writing is. After much prayer and consideration, I thought of "becoming". I searched the meaning on the computer. As it says on my side bar, as a verb it means "any process of change". My life is a process of change. Some of the process is pleasing and some is difficult. The things I write will tell you who I want to become and describe the inner and outer forces that are creating that change. The result is "Anna Becoming..."  I hope you like it and will cheer me on.

Becoming,
Anna