A Song When I Cannot Sing

I have told you before and I guess I will say it again, music means so much to me. I am not a musician by any means, but I do love it and thankfully, it has been with me all my life. The only place I wasn't allowed to sing was at the dinner table. I listened to music at home, at church, at school, and in the car.

Granny loved the music of the 40's. Grandmother loved classical. They both loved hymns. Daddy liked bluegrass and we went to hear it on Saturday nights at the Theo Community Center. Momma liked to rock out a little bit, so we got the 50's to the 80's with her. Somehow, in all that I almost missed the music of the 90's but it snuck in a little there at the end of the decade. Then I went to college and I heard Praise and Worship music for the first time. Now, thank you, Lord, I have KLOVE and all the Jesus music I can get.

Along the way, all this music became a part of me, just as much as my little finger or my gallbladder ever could be. So as I go through my day, my life soundtrack, or I guess "play-list" for you youngsters, is there ready and waiting. God has always been faithful to use these lyrics and tunes to help me when I need it most.

I know that you guys are tired of hearing about all of my troubles but if you keep reading, you are going to hear about it anyway. I have been dealing with some tough stuff these past few years. Just when I think the hard thing might go away and I might get a little rest, here comes a new trial, sometimes two or three. I am not complaining because I learned a long time ago, these are the things that make me. And when I think of the people around me, I am not the only one. We all have things that are testing us. Sickness, pain, loneliness, financial difficulty, joblessness, a job you don't like, a breaking marriage, separation from the ones we love, the list goes on and on.

Well, what's that got to do with music? I'm glad you asked. I'd love to tell you!

About 4 months ago, I was able to pin point something that I think God has been doing for a long time without me realizing it. One morning when I was particularly down about something, out of no-where the words to the hymn, "Sunshine in my Soul" came to my lips. After a few moments, I realized what I was singing. I began to cry. (shocker, huh?) "There is sunshine in my soul today, More glorious and bright,Than glows in any earthly sky,For Jesus is my Light."  There He goes again, letting the truth in my heart reach my mind. Despite my "cloudy" day, the forecast was bright. I had sunshine in my soul. Jesus is my Light! One of the verses of that song is:

"There is music in my soul today,
A carol to my King,
And Jesus, listening, can hear
The songs I cannot sing"

My voice get shaky when I am tired or emotional. Some days my voice just won't work. The events that surround my life, or the trouble inside, make a lump in my throat that won't budge. Sometimes even my praise gets stuck because I am so overwhelmed by His love for me. But, thankfully, Jesus can hear, "The songs I cannot sing".

Since that day, I have been more aware of the songs that God uses to nudge me and remind me of things. "Chin up, Anna", "I am with you always", "I've got this covered."

Ashamedly, this afternoon, I lost it. I was plagued with frustration, defeat, and anxiety. I was not acting like a child of the risen King. I wasn't acting like a vessel of peace. I didn't calmly trust. To put it mildly, I griped, moaned and groaned my way through a few hours.

This evening, that lump was lodged in my throat. The tears of fatigue and self-pity rimmed my eyes. I acknowledged His presence and said, "I'm sorry. I did it again didn't I?" In the midst of my apology, the words, "I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free" rose from that lumpy throat. I am free and I need to act like it. I looked up the rest of the words and I want to share them with you. You may remember them. Read them and sing them to yourself. Don't let anything steal your song and remember that He hears the songs you cannot sing.


Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,

Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heav’n and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant Friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain:

I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.


“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.


Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Always in tune (to the Father's ear),

Anna

Worthy of the Calling

Today is the 3rd anniversary of Jack's birth and death day. I write this morning not because I want to but because I feel an urging to do so that supresses the thoughts of my desires. I don't want to write another post about missing my son. I don't want to cry this morning. I don't want to make myself get out of bed when all I want to do is curl up and ignore the world. But sometimes, no many times, God calls us to do something we don't want to because it is best.

As I struggle with this sadness, I am reminded of some things. Loss is not only the bearer of sad tidings but it also brings gifts. Along with pain, it brings the gift of perspective. When it delivers sadness, it also brings the occasion to share. With its wounds, wisdom is packaged beside. We are just left with the decision to open those packages or not.

Last evening Eric and I, along with many other couples went to hear Neal Jeffery speak. He is an All-American quarter-back, who is a pastor, speaker, and stutterer. His theme was "Higher, Swifter, Stronger: Dare to Become Greater". One of the points he spoke to was to live like each occasion is our last. I know that you have probably heard this concept before but he broke it down in a way I had not heard before. He talked about all of the games of football he had played in his lifetime. But now, he won't play again. There had been a last game. We think when we are young that we have more time, that another opportunity will present itself again if we don't try do things right this time. We often let our zest and desire slide into laziness and acceptance of mediocrity. Then after time has past we look back with regret that we didn't try harder or work more to make our dreams reality. He applied this principle not only to our careers but to holding our babies, spending time with our children, kissing our spouses.

Loss helps bring this point home to me. Life is more precious. The opportunites we have become more important. The little things start to matter. I don't take for granted the privelege it is to hold my babies. Waking at night to care for a restless child is just more time spent with them. Listening to a knock-knock joke for the one-hundreth time is not an annoyance,it is just one hundred times I get to share a laugh with my child. Folding laundry is a way I get to meet a need.Cooking is a way I get to say I love you with another meal. I want to do this right every time because it might be the last time.

He also pointed out that we are being watched. Others see how we act and handle situations. Three years ago, I was called to walk the road of child loss. And more than anything, I want those who follow after me, especially my children, to see that I traveled trusting God, looking to Him, and rejoicing despite pain. I want them to see that sometimes it was hard and that I wanted to give up, but chose to not to rely on my own strength but to allow the strength of the Father to help me. I want to learn, grow, and change into a tree of righteousness that will bring Him glory. So this morning I  open the gifts of perspective, opportunity to share, and wisdom and wrap them again in words to give them away to another so that they can open them when they need them most.
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¹ Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. ² Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. ³ Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. Ephesians 4:1-3 NLT
 


2 To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, And the day of vengeance of our God; To comfort all who mourn, 3 To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.  Isaiah 61:2-3 NKJV

When Spring Comes Again (Again)

In honor of my new spring blog background (a little early, I know, but the warmer weather got me in the mood), I am re-posting "When Spring Comes Again". I am also doing it because I have a few friends on my mind and heart, who might find it's message encouraging. It is difficult to deal with something hard for a long time. When the trouble seems to have lasted forever and there is no end in sight, thoughts of giving up overwhelm us. I am posting this to tell you, "Take heart, my friend! God is with you. He can when you can't! I love you!"




I love to see the daffodils blooming. It seems to be the first sign that spring will make its appearance. As a girl, we were allowed to pick all of the daffodils we wanted because there were so many of them in the fields around where we lived. We would fill any container we could find with the flowers and decorate our home. Their bright yellow would light up any room. Now that I am older, I don’t pick them as much, I just enjoy the fact that they bring color to the bleak, brown landscape from the long winter months.



This year the blooms have emerged in March. A couple of years ago, due to an unusual warm spell they were out in February. The day of my son’s funeral was overcast, cold, and misty. As we drove to the cemetery, I noticed the daffodils lined the roadway. It felt good to see them, but I wondered at them being out on a day like that.


In the coming months, one of songs I listened to the most was “Worship in the Waiting” by FFH. The chorus to the song is this:



I WILL WORSHIP IN THE WAITING

I WILL WALK WITH THIS SAND BENEATH MY FEET

THOUGH THE WINTER WIND IS BLOWING

THE GROUND IS NOT FROZEN UNDERNEATH

I WILL WORSHIP AND NOT GROW BITTER

CAUSE I KNOW YOU SEE THE END OF IT ALL

AND WITH THE SPRING WILL COME THE RAIN

AND I'LL SEE WHAT WAS GAINED

IN THE WAITING




Those days I walked a lot outside and listened to music. I was able to watch spring come into its full glory. The dead leaves and broken branches were replaced with bits of green and dogwood blooms. Wisteria, tulips, azaleas and daffodils graced the scenery beautifully. God used His gorgeous earth to show me He loved me. Each blossom whispered comfort. Even though I was walking through a winter in my life, spring would come again. The ground, so frozen and hard, was not dead. It held life beneath it and with time and God’s help; I would bloom again as well.



So daffodils have become my own personal rainbow and I don’t mind sharing it with you. No matter what difficulty you are enduring in the present, nothing on this earth lasts forever. It will pass. He may not change your circumstance but He can change you in it. So even when you feel you can’t, worship Him and don’t grow bitter. Lean on Him and grow in wisdom. Then someday, when spring has come again, you will be able to look back and see how far He has brought you.


I’ve seen the red sea part, I’ve seen the mountains move

But now it seems so dark, I can’t even feel you

If you chose to be silent I’ll be silent too

I will worship in the waiting, quiet before you

Until your voice like manna from the sky falls



I WILL WORSHIP IN THE WAITING

I WILL WALK WITH THIS SAND BENEATH MY FEET

THOUGH THE WINTER WIND IS BLOWING

THE GROUND IS NOT FROZEN UNDERNEATH

I WILL WORSHIP AND NOT GROW BITTER

CAUSE I KNOW YOU SEE THE END OF IT ALL

AND WITH THE SPRING WILL COME THE RAIN

AND I'LL SEE WHAT WAS GAINED

IN THE WAITING



I’ve seen the blooms of spring, new life in everything

But now it seems so grey, bright colors fade away

This winter seems much longer and colder than before

But I will worship in the waiting, expecting something more

Until the sun shines warm upon my face again



He Leadeth me He leadeth me

By his own hand He leadeth me

His faithful follower I would be

For by his hand He leadeth me

Thoughts on a Winter Evening

The weather has been a continual topic of conversation for the past couple of months.

"Will it snow?"
"Oh, I hope so! Snow Day! No school!"
"It is going to snow again!"
"I like snow, just don't send ice."
"We have got to go to school."
"Snow, snow, snow, I'm ready for some warm weather."
"I can't wait until summer."
"Oh, this weather is so beautiful! 60 degrees in January! I love this!"
"Oh, no! Down in the 20's! I hate this! I just want to be warm again."

Comments about the weather amuse me. Overwhelmingly, it seems to me, unless it is 70 degrees, clear, and sunny, not many enjoy the season that they are in at the moment. We complain about the cold, the snow, the heat, and the humidity. We hate the rain then we need rain because it is too dry.

A friend wrote about all of the complaints she heard about our present weather conditions. They were numerous. She urged everyone to think about the good things instead about the cold weather instead of the bad. I agree with her and hope you will practice that. I offer another thought here.

To turn even our complaining into something useful, I ask, How would we know we love the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter? We wouldn't enjoy the snow if it was all we ever saw. If it was hot everyday of our lives we wouldn't ever be able to appreciate a wood burning fire.

It is like that with almost anything worth having. I don't enjoy the flavor of food quite so much unless I am hungry. I don't get that satisfying, "Ahhh" that cool water brings unless I am thirsty. I can't enjoy a warm blanket or a crackling fireplace unless I am cold.

I enjoy a hug most when I am feeling a bit insecure. I love friendship because I have been lonely. A smile is more precious amongst other angry looks. I appreciate prosperity because I have known need. I relish family because I have seen the pain when it falls apart. I seize life because I have seen it slip away.

We wouldn't know the good without the bad. We wouldn't need the Light without the darkness. He can't fill us up until we are empty.