A Cradle For My Dreams

In the summer of 2006, we moved in to the house that we live in now. The first time we looked at this house, I loved it but my immediate reaction was "No. It's not big enough for us." We looked at it a couple more times though because we loved the lot that it was on and it was a great house for the price. So I gave in and we bought it anyway. I rationalized that we could just "add on" as we needed to. I was blissfully unaware of the stress that would cause or I am not sure we would be here now. 

You know those houses that you walk in and say, "Wow, its so much bigger than it looks from the outside"? Well, ours is exactly opposite of that. :)

We were so happy here. You see we had just come through many years of sorrow, so life seemed like a bit of heaven here on earth. After about a year of living here, we found out that we were expecting a baby. He was a surprise pregnancy, but we were excited, none-the-less. Other than some morning sickness, my pregnancy with him was uneventful like all the rest. We found out that he would be a boy, baby Jack. How splendid and even we would be--2 boys and 2 girls! 

I remember seeing an old friend in the cafeteria at work that January, a month before Jack was to be born. She asked me about my family and how our Christmas went. I remember what I said as if it were yesterday. "We are perfect. Everything is perfect. It makes me wonder what troubles are to come our way soon." She pshaw'd me and told me not to think that way. I told her, "God doesn't want us too content with our Earthly lives." 

I remember feeling that way again in early February when I sat folding Jack's baby clothes over my large belly. I sighed with contentment and thought of how idyllic our lives were at this point. I thanked God for His blessings but remembered that He is good all the time and prayed that no matter what the future held, I would seek to be content in His hands, wherever they carried us. Looking back, I think He was preparing me. I just didn't know it then. 

Well, I've already told you that our house was "too small". (When I say that, I mean too small compared to today's standards. If I compared myself to Laura Ingalls, we have more than enough room.) The girls were already sharing a small room and Ty was in an even smaller one. Our furniture was crammed in our room as it was. I joked and said we would have to put Jack in a dresser drawer. 

I was in T.J. Maxx just before Jack's birth and saw a cradle. It was beautiful and I impulsively bought it for our coming babe. Eric understood. He put it together and we found room for it in the dining room in front of a row of windows. I liked how it looked there. We filled the bottom with diapers and burp cloths and placed a teddy bear in the cradle, all in joyful expectation of our baby boy.

 

But the cradle never held my baby. The cradle stood empty. It's intendment unfulfilled. Trial and tears invaded our peaceful, happy life. 

It seemed a blessing and a curse that we didn't have much room for Jack. I was blessed because there was no room that was especially his to cause me more pain, to leave untouched, or forbid the children to enter. I didn't have to decide when to clean it out and paint it to use it for some other reason than the one we had hoped for. But the devil used it for his purposes too. He whispered lies in my ear that we didn't deserve another child. We didn't even have enough room for the ones we have, much less another baby. Grief brings guilt to many things. 

I didn't move the cradle's contents. For a while, seeing it there helped me. I would stand by it, touch it, turn on its music and dream of my boy. Then, my sister was going to have a baby boy. I always shared baby things. It is practical. It is helpful. I wanted her baby to use this cradle. When it came time, I found myself able to part with most of Jack's clothes, just keeping a few outfits for myself. But then I needed to move the cradle. I couldn't. Rachel didn't push. She didn't need any of it if it would hurt me. All of it had been my idea. My head was matter-of-fact but my heart just couldn't follow. How swiftly an object can become so special, and a strong attachment formed when connected to someone you love. So, the cradle stayed in the window.

About a year after Jack's death, I began to pray for another baby. After some time and a little bit of trouble, He answered my prayers with Dinah. The day she came home, she slept in the cradle in the window. We didn't have room for her either. :)

It went out on loan for a special baby for a few months and returned to our house yesterday afternoon. Dinah immediately climbed up into it and I had to disappoint her 2 year-old self by not letting her get in it. After a crying fit, her dolls quickly found a home there. 

Today, Dinah was at day school, and Amelia was at home because she had run fever yesterday. She was feeling much better this afternoon. I went to tend to Granny for a bit and walked back to the kitchen for something and came upon this scene through the doorway to the dining room. 

I ran to get my camera to capture that picturesque moment. I tried to sneak up on her but I couldn't. She got embarrassed and said, "MOMMA!" I begged and she re-enacted it for me. She sat reading a Beatrix Potter book to her doll, Caroline, as she lay in the cradle in the window. 

This may be all God intends for this cradle for now. I would love for God to fill it up with another, real, live baby however He wants to send it. But I'm praying that if He doesn't want us to have another baby, that I'll become satisfied with the blessings He has allowed me and seek the new role He has for me. I pray that I rest in the fact that God cradles my dreams as well as my self. And that when the time comes that I will be able to give this piece of wood and fabric away as a sacrifice for Him and know that my memories of Jack are in my heart and my Hope is with Him in heaven and not in an empty cradle.