Loving As We Watchfully Wait

I know I have been dreadfully remiss in updating you all as far as Granny is concerned. As I look back now, I realize that I haven't done so since MAY! For those of you who are new readers, my Gran moved in with us in March of this year. To catch up on our shared time with her click HERE or check out the posts under the label "Caring for Gran".

There is much that I haven't posted here. In part because I wasn't ready to talk about it and in part because we have been so busy, it was easier to put off this post that I knew would be difficult to write.

To cut to the chase, Granny has what looks like, acts like, and spreads like cancer.
The reason I don't say, "Granny has cancer", because we haven't had a slue of tests run to prove it.
But, we know that it is growing and that it is on the move.

When Granny moved in with us, it was with the knowledge that her stay was "open-ended", as a friend described it. We knew that she had dementia. But it wasn't the kind of dementia that comes with a disease and a timeline. Now, the end is not as open as it was.

A while back when Granny was able, she did a brave and helpful thing. She made out a living will. In that will she told us, her family, what she wanted regarding her healthcare. In doing that, she gave us a gift--the gift of knowing that we are doing what she would want.

We don't have to say, "I think I remember her saying...." or "I really don't THINK that she would want that."    

We KNOW what she wants because she wrote it down on paper for us and signed it.

Knowing that piece of paper is in the drawer, we wait and we watch.

No tests, no surgeries, no treatments.

So far, she is not in any pain other than her usual joint aches. She seems just a bit weaker but not greatly so. The issues that we have are the ones that we were already dealing with--confusion and erratic sleep patterns--they just seem to have escalated a bit.

We have hospice coming now and I have been grateful for their assistance. It has been nice to have a well connected medical support system only a phone call away. I can say that in the week and a half that they have been visiting, Granny has been doing better. She has seemed more "Granny" these past few days than she has in weeks.

When it was decided that Granny would come live with us, I knew it would be hard. I wanted to do it anyway.  Now the hard time is here. And to be honest, there have been moments in the past couple of months that I think that I won't be able to do this. When I haven't slept for more than 30 minutes in a row for a week, I wonder if I will make it.

God and I have had more than a few 2 a.m. conversations. The most heated one on my side being the week that Eric and Tess were gone to camp and my mom was gone to Italy and something in Granny made her have her marathon non-sleeping sessions. "Really, God? This week? You decided this week was the week we should do this?"

I plead with Him on those nights and in the days too. I plead for Granny's mind to be stilled. I plead for rest. I plead for Him to touch my anxious, tired soul so that I can be good for Granny, patient and kind like she deserves. I ask Him if I'm still doing what is right. Am I balancing my duty and love for my Granny with that I owe to my husband and children?

 After talking with God and my husband and my children, I feel like that we are to continue on the course that we started on. My mom and my aunts are working with me to make sure that we care for her the best way we can without drowning me in the process. Her condition changes and we, who are feeling our way through darkness not traveled before, are learning as we go. And as my friend Susan, who has experienced all of this with her mom, reminded me in a recent conversation, I must continue to be in constant prayer. Seeking His wisdom for even the smallest of things. Listening hard for His voice. "What do You ask of me today, Lord?" That I may do nothing more and nothing less.  

This past week, I saw another dear "Granny" I knew and loved, lying beautiful in her casket, her soul already at rest with her Lord. She had lived life full and had been loved well. Seeing her there made me more resolved to do the best I can for our Gran. To love her, care for her and protect her (even from her own self if needed), as long as she has left here on earth. With the hope to honor her now more than I will be able to give in memory of her later.  

 Learning to live this verse:

2 Corinthians 12:9 (AMP)
But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me! 

Thank you for remembering us in your prayers.