I'm Anna and I Love You

Well, after two days of relative bliss, yesterday was a hard day. Gran didn't seem to rest well through Wednesday night. When she woke Thursday morning she thought that it was evening time. I couldn't convince her otherwise, despite the sunshine coming through the windows.

When she ate breakfast she asked, "Where's mom?" (referring to my mom). I would answer, "She's at school." Then she would say, "Well, I guess she'll be home pretty soon." I would remind her that it was 8 in the morning. She would look at the clock and say, "Eight in the morning? Oh. I didn't realize..." She would eat a few bites and then we would start again with "Where's mom?"

Later that morning she wanted to know where her purse was. She needed her keys. Where was her car? She told Emily she would pick up Avery and she needed to do something else that she couldn't remember. I tried to tell her that she didn't have her car here, that she doesn't drive anymore. That she doesn't have to get anything for Emily and that Avery is at school. She grew irritated with me. She said, "People think old folks are going crazy but its the young folks that are driving them there." She crossed her arms and sighed. 

As the day went on, she knew less and less of me. She didn't ask me about mom. The feeling that we belonged together left and the feeling of politeness that one employs with a stranger came in. She asked where I came from and wondered who those children (my children) are. For the first time in a long time, I asked, "Do you know who I am?" She stared at me blankly. I answered for her, "I'm Anna."

"You are Anna? I didn't know."

I could tell there was still no connection. "I'm Anna. Darla's daughter. Your granddaughter." I continued. 

"Darla has a daughter?"

"Yes, Gran. Darla has 3 daughters and a son." I tried to explain.

I did my best but she didn't make the connection. She didn't seem as agitated anymore. Just resigned to being where she was and who she was with. If I offered her something, she would say, "Whatever the others are having." 

I mostly suffered for her. I want her to know me and be comforted by my presence. I can't imagine what it feels like to feel like you are in a place you have never been with people you don't know and you don't know how you got there. I can't deny that it hurt my feelings a bit when she kept scooting over on the couch or leaning as far as she could away from us like we were strangers in a hotel lobby. It is the kind of feeling that is natural to have but that you talk yourself out of feeling with rational thoughts like "they don't know", or "they can't help it".  Like when you get off work and go to get your child that you missed so much and they cling to the babysitter. 

Gran continued to struggle with her confusion even in her slumber last night. She spoke, even yelled and reached in the air for hours while she seemed to be sleeping. She would start herself awake and try to tell me what she needed and realize that I couldn't help her with what she wanted and try to go back to sleep. She began to rest quietly around 2 am. 

Today she is back to the "normal"we had established the other day. I'm not sure what she knows or who she knows but she seems content. She is watching another old movie ("Casablanca") this morning. They seem to be the only thing that I can get her engaged in. This morning she has even asked about the actors' names. The same actors' names she taught me so long ago when I watched these movies sitting with her in her rose pink recliner. 

If she could absorb it and it wouldn't confuse her more, I would tell her all the memories like that I have with her in them and most importantly of all, I would say, "Remember, Granny, I'm Anna, Darla's daughter, your granddaughter. You have known me all my life. You have loved me all my life. I'm not just taking care of you. I love you." 

I'm glad though that I don't have to make her remember. I can tell her every day, every hour, every minute if I need to, "Granny, I'm Anna and I love you."

Anna Becoming

Granny Is Here!

First of all, thank you for lifting us up in prayer. They are much felt.

Since Friday, we have been busily preparing for Granny to move in to our home. We cleaned out the extra room, that like any extra room, had accumulated all of our extra stuff that we just didn't take the time to deal with. It is a BIG room. It was a BIG job. If you could have only seen my nephew's eyes when he saw the pile of garbage bags that he and Ty had to carry out to the road. I said, "You should have seen what all I carried to the Lighthouse. He just smiled and silently nodded his head as he went to tackle the job.

With the help of Granny's furniture, some of ours, an electric fireplace, new curtains, lamps and a rug, the room is quite homey. We prepared the room so that Granny wouldn't have to leave it to be cared for. We hired men to build ramps up to the back door so that she could be wheeled in to the house. Another ramp was also installed up to my kitchen from her room so that maybe on good days Granny could eat with us at the table. I was a bit concerned that they weren't going to be finished in time. But at least the men would be there to help us get Granny in the house if we had trouble.

Well, Granny arrived to her room on Monday afternoon. She did it by walking down my front sidewalk and up my front steps!! HELLO, Granny!! I was a bit stunned. Aunt Cathy and Mom said that she was doing better but I didn't quite understand how much. Granny was bright and smiling and though she wouldn't make it too far without assistance from someone or a walker, she was walking. She is strong enough to stand on her own most of the time and she just needs help with direction because she doesn't remember what room to go to.

Dinah has taken to the caregiver role. She has to be with Granny if she isn't sleeping. If Granny gets up to go anywhere, Dinah pushes aside whatever she is doing very quickly so that she can walk in front of Granny's walker and say, "Come on, Granny, " in her sweetest voice. (Don't worry, I make sure she moves quickly enough that she doesn't trip Gran.) She also feels in that she has a right to all the privileges of the one being cared FOR. If I tuck blankets around Granny's lap, Dinah sits beside her and curls up, makes herself shiver and says, "I'm cold. I need a blanket too." She also needs to eat whatever Granny is having even if she has already had her meal.

So far things have been going fantastically well. I am so glad to see Granny feeling better. There are issues that I wasn't prepared for because I thought she would be too weak to go about the house, but God knew all that I and I can trust He will take care of them like He has all the rest.

Once when Eric inquired how our day had gone, he asked, "Do you think she knows who you are?' I told him that I really don't know for sure but I know that she seems happy and content. She hasn't asked to go home or when mom was going to come get her even one time. She doesn't call me by name. I don't ask her if she knows who I am or if she knows where she is, you see, because her memory has no rhyme or reason. But I feel she must know that we belong to each other in some way.

I have had to sleep with her because we don't have the hospital bed yet. Last night, when I thought she was asleep already, I went to climb in to bed with her. My back was to her as I was swinging my legs up and I hear her gruff voice (her voice box was damaged from a tracheostomy she had after a horrible car wreck a long time ago) say, "I didn't say you could sleep with me!" It kind of made me jump and I turned quickly toward her. She lay there grinning. I laughed too and asked politely and she said smiling, "Well, I guess so, just this once."She would have teased me like that a long time ago when as a girl I used to spend the night with her at her house and sleep in that same bed.

She is always very cold so I try to make sure the covers are about her shoulders when I wake in the night. She pulls most of the covers anyway so I shouldn't worry. :) I don't sleep much because I don't want her to try and get up without help. I must have been so tired that I drifted off a bit more than usual on Monday night. I woke once to find her pulling the blankets up around my chin. My granny was taking care of me.

Anna Becoming

It's Not A Burden, It's My Granny

For those of you that don't know, my Granny (Momma's momma) hasn't been doing very well as of late. About a year and a half ago, she had to leave her home and go stay with my mom and then my Aunt. Because of dementia and a body that was growing weaker with age, she didn't need to be by herself. Her mind and body have continued to slowly fade. She recently had a fall which has set many other problems and issues in motion. 

After a hospital visit, a week's (if it was that long) stay at a nursing home, and now another hospitalization, it has been decided that Granny will be moving in with we Lancasters. We are busy now readying our home for her. She should be with us early this coming week. The coming days will be an adjustment for us and I would like to ask you all to pray for us. 

I am a very fearful person. The Holy Spirit is constantly on duty driving away doubt and trembling from my soul. I don't watch the news because I can't bear to think about all the evil. My imagination can go a bit wild at times about what might seem to be something harmless to other people. I am very careful with my decisions because of all the possible consequences I see in the future. 

So, you would think that going to India or Africa on a medical mission would be out of the question. You would think that I wouldn't quit my job when I thought God wanted me to. You would think that the prospect of taking care of my Granny here at home without the help of monitors, aides, and supervision would scare me to death. 

Strangely, when it is something big that I know, that I know, that I know God wants me to to do, I become fearless. I guess it is when it gets SO big that I have no way of handling the situation myself, I quit worrying about how it will get done. I just trust He'll take care of it. I know that I need to know that with the everyday things too, and I'm working on that. But for now I'll just be glad that this right now doesn't scare me. 

This even kind of makes some things make sense that didn't before. Like I told you, I know that God wanted me to quit my part-time job in December. I did. I kept waiting for another job to open up for me but it never did. I tried my best to make it happen for me, thinking He probably needed my help. :)

But I am now in a position to care for Gran when I wouldn't have been before. He brought me to where I needed to be before I needed to be there. Isn't He good? Isn't it wonderful that He surprised me and called me to be a nurse 10 years ago when it had never crossed my mind before?

I realize that what we are about to do is going to be difficult. The longer I live though, the more I'm convinced that nothing worth doing is going to be easy. This will probably try my faith and character more than anything has yet. I can not promise that I will not fail miserably at times. But I am willing to try and be as good of a care giver to her as she was to us.

My children love their Granny and I am glad that they will be able to spend a lot of time with her. They are great kids and I am so proud of them for being so unselfish as to want me to be able to take care of Gran. Eric is being very brave and will be sacrificing much as well. My mom and my aunts will be anxious for us and will have some adjusting to do trusting me with their mom. Would you especially remember and pray for each of them? We will all need courage, strength, patience, kindness, selflessness, and a great deal of love to make this work the way God intended. 

I've been reading The King's Speech by Mark Logue and Peter Conradi. It is about how Lionel Logue, a speech therapist, helped King George with his speech impediment and fear of public speaking throughout the King's adulthood and reign. There are several excerpts of the king's speeches in the book. I enjoy reading them and several of them have portions that touch me greatly. 

One is from King George VI's Christmas broadcast of 1942 when England and the world were at war. He states that President Abraham Lincoln used to tell of a boy who was carrying an even smaller boy up a hill. Asked whether the heavy burden was not too much for him, the boy answered: ''It's not a burden, it's my brother!''

It stuck with me especially this last week or so when I tell people that we are going to be caring for Granny here at home. I know it is in kindness that people gasp and say, "Isn't that going to be hard?"or "How are you going to do that?" But I'd like you not to be afraid for us either. I know you care about me and might want to gently tell me that what is ahead of me will be hard. I know it will be and I know that God will take care of it. He is already working on my support system: my mom, my aunts, my sisters, their husbands, my brother and sister-in-law, a friend to help me with house work, my precious praying friends like you, and on and on. So, when I get discouraged later or am having a bad day, I'd like for you to remind me of what I KNOW. (Only of course after you have listened long and petted me a bit. :))

The best way I know to explain my fearlessness and even excitement about what God is doing and about to do in our lives is that "it's not a burden, it's my Granny".

A picture so you can see Granny in your mind's eye when you pray for her. Oh, and some folks used to call her Nellie, but she's always been Granny to me. God knows wither way. :)

Anna Becoming

Baby Boy Birthdays in Heaven

Tomorrow my baby boy, Jack, would have celebrated his 5th birthday if he had lived on here on this earth. I have always been careful not to think about what might have been. But tonight, I can't help wondering what it would be like if he was here. We would be excited about tomorrow and he would probably be telling everyone with a whole handful of fingers that he would be the all important "5". I really think that he would have looked a lot like Ty (because all my kids look so much alike at each age), so I can imagine his beautiful face and a sweet smile. 

But thinking about what might have been doesn't get us anywhere but a heart full of hurt, does it? I can think about what is though. 

Today, God brought to mind a song that Mandisa wrote about another baby boy that was taken to heaven just when he was about to begin his life on earth, when she penned "You Wouldn't Cry (Andrew's Song)". Although Andrew was her 1st child and Jack was my 4th, our birth situations were so similar. And after researching a bit, I found out that she had her Andrew just a few months after our Jack. 

This song was inspired by a pregnant woman named Rebecca, who Mandisa met at one of her shows in 2008. As they talked, Mandisa prayed for God's protection over the baby. The following week the little boy, who Rebecca had called Andrew, was stillborn. When Mandisa heard the tragic news she wrote the grieving mom a letter, along with a CD of songs she had compiled, to encourage Rebecca. Mandisa told Christian Music Today: "I remember thinking there was no song that was going to be from Andrew's perspective." The following week the singer got together with Cindy Morgan to pen some songs. Mandisa told her songwriting partner Rebecca's story, and after contemplating what Andrew would say to his mom, they wrote this moving number about the wonders the little boy is experiencing in heaven with God. Later Mandisa had the privilege of singing the song for Rebecca. She told Christian Music Today: "It brought her so much comfort to think that when she sees her son again he's going to be able to show her around heaven and show her all the things he's been experiencing. It's my prayer, and I know it's Rebecca's prayer, that Andrew's song would encourage others who are going through similar loss."




I know that this song did encourage others who were going through a similar loss. I remember hearing the song and the story behind it one day on KLOVE as I was driving down the road. It helped me so much to hear it that day. 


It reminded me that even though I was missing him and that I felt so heartbroken, that if I could get past the limits of my feeble human brain and have a glimpse of the paradise he now lived in, I wouldn't cry anymore. Our God is faithful and His word is true. Jack is where "blue has never been bluer, true has never been truer". He hears the "song in the breeze, a million voices in praise" He is where "a rose has never smelled redder, the sun has never been brighter".

Tomorrow, instead of birthday candles and cake, my boy will spend his day with the Light of the World and know the Bread of Life. Instead of a birthday song, he'll hear angels singing praises to the King all day long.

What momma could be sad about that?


If you have a chance, listen to the song but the lyrics are pasted here below for you to read.

"You Wouldn't Cry (Andrew's Song)"

All you saw was pain
All you saw was rain
But you should see me now
Moments filled with tears
Lasted all those years
Disappeared somehow
You never said goodbye
On your knees you cry
You're still asking why, but

Blue has never been bluer
True has never been truer
Honey never tasted so sweet
There's a song in the breeze
A million voices in praise
A rose has never smelled redder
The sun has never been brighter
If I could find the right words to say
If you could look at my face
If you could just see this place
You wouldn't cry for me today

What you think you see
Isn't really me
I'm already home
You've got to lay it down
'Cause Jesus holds me now
And I am not alone
Your faith is wearing thin
But I am watching Him
And He's holding you too, and

[Chorus]

What may seem like years will just be a moment
Oh, the day will come when I'll show you where you're going
I can't wait to show you that

[Chorus]

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/mandisa/youwouldntcryandrewssong.html

I Know Who You Are

Lately, life just doesn't seem to be going my way. For months now, it just seems like there has been one problem after another. Physical, emotional, financial, and relational problems have come in waves, each overlapping the other with some yet to recede.

At times I feel my world may never be right again. Frustration, anger, disappointment, and fear seem to have brought their luggage with them to unload on me and stay a while. I try throwing their garments back at them, and asking them to leave. But sometimes my strength fails and it is easier to succumb to their weight than to fight.

But then He whispers, "I care for you", in some way or another. No matter what time of day I am in the car, that song comes on the radio. I know He is the one that did that.  He is the one who made that one  daffodil bloom before all the others just along my sidewalk at home so that I would see it looking up at me every time I passed it by. I've told you before about daffodils and His promise that Spring will always come no matter how hard the winter.

When I tell Him that I can't see and that I am frightened, He brings to mind His faithfulness to me in the past. He reminds me of scriptures that hold His promises to prosper me and to make all things work together for good. When I am weary and worn, He reminds me that when I am weak, He is strong. When the hurt threatens to choke me, He tells me that He is The Healer.

I am there. That place where I am nothing. I can't fix this. I can't even bear it on my own. I am helpless, totally dependent on You. I can't see the end. I don't know the outcome.

You are Love. You are Truth. You are Faithful. You are God. You are King. You are Gentle. You are Kind. You are Grace. You are Beginning. You are End. You are Forever. You are Father. You are Provider. You are Healer. You are Constant. You are Keeper of my Soul. You are Just. You are my heart's Home. You are More than Enough.

So, even though I do ask "why?" at times, in the end it is enough, Lord, that even though I don't know what You are doing right now, I know Who You are. Help me to be found faithful as You are.


JJ Heller's "Who You Are"

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. 

        2 Corinthians 12:9

       But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made      

        perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my     

       weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me

        Psalm 147:3

       He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Anna Becoming

Never Gives Up

I have given up at least 28 times in the last four days. I tell myself that I can't stand it anymore. I don't want to live this way. It isn't my fault. I don't want to keep paying. This isn't fair. I can't bear this pain. I want it to stop. I can't do it. I don't want to. I won't.

But then, when I stop talking long enough to hear, the words are there,


Love:

is patient
is kind
is not jealous
is not boastful
is not proud
is not rude
does not demand its own way
is not irritable
does not keep record of being wronged
does not rejoice about injustice
rejoices whenever truth wins out
never gives up
never loses faith
is always hopeful
endures through every circumstance

I Corinthians 13:4-7

True love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance. 

Even though these words say things that I already know in my head, my heart needs to hear them again and again. 

Yes, I'm tired. I can't do this. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

But He can. 

He will help me be patient. 
He will help me to not keep a record of wrongs.
He will help me to be hopeful.
He will help me endure all things.
He will give me hope.
He will help me not give up.


Lysa Terkeurst just shared this prayer on her Facebook page for others who might need to pray this for a friend in their lives. 

Dear Lord, please bless her with Your peace. Give her strength to hand over the worries, cares, and loneliness. Take the pain and squelch the doubt. Remind her You are her God: the Great I AM. Nothing is impossible with You. And You do turn all things for good. Be with her tonight and grant her sweet, safe, sound sleep. Thank You for Your presence. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

In 26 minutes it got 493 likes, 51 comments and 220 shares. Apparently, there are a lot of women who might want to give up tonight. Thank you, Jesus, for never giving up on us. Help us to hang in there holding onto Your promises. 

Reminding myself that God is good all the time and that all the time, God is good.

The Good Part

I have been reading Ephesians to get ready for a season of study there. I get excited about all the verses now-a-days and often find it difficult not to post entire chapters at a time, as you have noticed. But this afternoon this verse wowed me:

Ephesians 1:7-10

New International Version 1984 (NIV1984)

⁷ In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace ⁸ that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding. ⁹ And he^[a] made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, ¹⁰ to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.

Sometimes (well, a lot), I need to go to some other versions and look at all of them so that it helps me understand what I just read. I know that there are some arguments about which translation is best. I probably only use 5. I don't know which is the one that you use or how you feel about them, but I am so glad that there are some simpler versions to help this simple girl hear what God is saying through the Holy Spirit. 

I read this version before going back to the first:

Ephesians 1:7-10

The Message (MSG)

^7-10 Because of the sacrifice of the Messiah, his blood poured out on the altar of the Cross, we’re a free people—free of penalties and punishments chalked up by all our misdeeds. And not just barely free, either. Abundantly free! He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

I don't know about you but that is worth shoutin' about! I love the part, "And not just barely free, either. ABUNDANTLY free"! 

"...everything would be brought together and summed up in HIM..." 

Thank you, Jesus!!

I love that I can go to biblegateway.com and get the Bible versions in parallel. 

Anyway, the whole chapter is a humdinger. Give it a gander.

Isn't it really neat to read a book (the Bible) and know that all of it is the "good part"? 

-----Falling deeper in love with God's word everyday------

Anna Becoming