Equally in Need

I read a post an hour or so ago called "Distracted". The author of this post writes about how she and others have become distracted from Easter and its meaning by the political debate over the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and what it entails. I agree with her and I have had those same thoughts the past few days.

But for me, it has intensified my focus on Passion Week and the sacrifice made long ago. I have found myself pouring over scripture. I have been studying His life, devouring His speaking passages, and following His last days and His trail to the cross, death, and resurrection with a determined fixation.

If I am so burdened by the direction of our collected souls, how does my life show it? By the amount of Facebook status I post in His name? By the 15 minutes I spend in prayer about it a day, or even a week? Do I spit in the face of His sacrifice with my lack of sincerity?

Shouldn't my knees be bleeding or callused? Shouldn't my cheeks be hollow with fasting? Shouldn't the pages of my Bible be worn with turning? Shouldn't my eyes be red from weeping? Shouldn't my heart be full of repentance instead of pride in MY faith and MY God?

I have knelt before Him with sorrow streaming down my face for MY sinfulness. I have asked forgiveness for not being as upset about MY wrongs as I have been of other's. My need for a Savior is not less than anyone else's. I have spent time thanking Him for His grace and His blood, for His offering that allows us to escape the Hell we deserve.

I know that He knows what is going on in this world. I know He knows exactly how I should respond. I also know that He tells me to ask Him if I need wisdom. So, this week of remembrance, that is exactly what I have been doing. Begging Him for wisdom I don't have.

What would He do? What would He say? Would He quote scripture?  Would He tell a story? Would He draw in the sand?

I have been asking Him if I should speak or if I should be silent. I ask Him to give me His words if He wants me to speak. I ask Him to give me His love. I don't want to be a clanging cymbal. I ask Him for a new way to share His love and Truth with the world; ways to share Truth with Love and Love with Truth. "Your word is truth."

The ways of the world remind me of our humanness and of His divinity. Our flaws remind me of His perfection. Our need reminds me of His Glorious Answer.

I stand EQUAL with all at the foot of the cross in need of His Grace and Redemption.


Anna Becoming

Pete, Repeat, and Me

One of the things in life that annoys the most is having to repeat information, requests, or instructions after I feel I have taken the time to deliver them clearly and I have received confirmation that it was understood.

Case in point: Asking or telling my children to brush their teeth. 

                      Children: Yes ma'am

                      5 minutes later hear said children 

                      goofing off upstairs. 

                      Me: Have you brushed your teeth?

                      Children: No, ma'am

                    

I don't understand what happens on the way to the bathroom sink. The same thing happens when I ask them to go take a bath, or clean their room, or make sure they take their things from the car. It isn't only with the children. They are just the ones I deal with most. Adult recipients often seem to do the same thing. My patience in these instances is less than desired and/or required I really have issue with it and have to work to keep from being so irritated that I explode. (Explosions have occurred on too many an occasion.)

So lets just consider it ironic that God decided to allow my Gran to move in with me. I have to repeat myself round the clock. What is surprising is how patient I can be with her. I guess it is understanding that she has a cognitive impairment and most of the other folks especially my intelligent children don't have that excuse. 

Lest you all think I have a supernatural kindness at all times toward Gran, I want you to know that I do catch myself, especially when I am a bit overwhelmed about what I have to get done or have 5 people needing my attention at once, getting irritated when I have to answer a question 12 times (not exaggerating).  Dinah has also decided to see if she can push me over the edge that I teeter on frequently. When Gran pauses in a line of questioning, Dinah fills the silence with the same question that Gran has taken to repeating. I now live with Pete and Repeat. I didn't even try to count the times that I answered, "Where are we going?" from the two of them in a 20 minute ride the other day.

I have to take deep breaths. I have to remind myself that it doesn't do anyone any good to get upset about it. She can't help it. I should be glad that I'm the one that gets to answer these questions. Answering them helps her.

The moments pass and we all relax. I look back on them and know that it is me that has to change. He has allowed this for me to be better. Its me who has to soften and become kinder and more long-suffering. God help me.

I want to extend mercy and grace like He has extended it to me. I know I am more guilty than those I become impatient with. Oh, that someday, somehow, they would see Christ in me!

1 Timothy 1:15-17

Amplified Bible (AMP)

¹⁵ The saying is sure and true and worthy of full and universal acceptance, that Christ Jesus (the Messiah) came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost.

¹⁶ But I obtained mercy for the reason that in me, as the foremost [of sinners], Jesus Christ might show forth and display all His perfect long-suffering and patience for an example to [encourage] those who would thereafter believe on Him for [the gaining of] eternal life.

¹⁷ Now to the King of eternity, incorruptible and immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever (to the ages of ages). Amen (so be it).

Anna Becoming

Salon Quality

As I told you before, I had a different vision of what it would be like for Granny to live with us than what has actually happened. I thought that she would be mostly invalid and I would be the faithful nurse/caregiver. Well, since thankfully Gran is not an invalid, I have had some difficulties arise that all my nurse training could not help.

As a nurse, we never cut nails. It just isn't in our scope. It isn't that we don't want to, or think we are above it. The risk for injury is the problem. The patient could be a diabetic and that requires someone who knows what they are doing to trim the toes. If the patient isn't a diabetic, we let the family trim them if needed. The most I've ever done is file a patient's nails if they were with us for a while and need some grooming. 

Well, it came time to trim Gran's and turns out she isn't a diabetic and I'm the family member. You may be wondering, "What's the big deal?" I've trimmed my children's nails but I always felt better chewing theirs off for them from infancy that I ever did with the nail trimmer. (I don't think Gran would acquiesce to letting me bite her nails for her.) I am afraid I'll cut her and cause her pain. Or heaven forbid, I might do it wrong. She's still got her opinions even though she doesn't have her memory. 

I gathered my tools and my courage, sat in front of Gran and said, "Here we go." I tried to look cool. You aren't supposed to let the patient know you are afraid and have never done the skill before (nursing school 101). My efforts were not helped by an inquisitive 2 year-old who squatted beside me, grimaced and said, "Oww!", every time she heard the clippers clip. Lets say it didn't calm my nerves. 

We trimmed and filed without incident and I sighed because we had passed another learning curve. But then came the hair. 

I do hair everyday. I do my own. I do the girls. But we have always had long hair. Long straight hair. But Gran's hair is short. She uses curlers that require neat rows made by sectioning off hair with precision using a comb with a pointed end. These are not the tools of the long haired ladies.  

Armed with said curlers, pointy comb, and portable hair dryer, after Gran's hair was washed we went to the kitchen to play "beauty parlor". 

Thankfully, I was behind Gran's chair. I didn't have to exude confidence that I didn't have. It took me 45 minutes to accomplish what I had witnessed Gran do for most of my life in 10 minutes. If she was worried she didn't show it. Maybe she had her game face on too. I sat her under the dryer with a book and went to pray fervently that the curls turned out right. 

I bet you wish your salon had bananas and butter. Yes, I still have my Christmas cards up. I can't bear to take them down. All those pretty faces. 

You see, I had chosen to experiment with my hair setting skills a few hours before we had to go to Tess's honor choir performance. Not a good choice but it was done none-the-less.

After getting gussied up at home, we traveled to Tate Baptist Church to watch the Alcorn Co. Honor Choir performance. We always enjoy the show and would even if we didn't have a Lancaster offspring in it. The county music teachers work hard arranging, practicing and polishing. We are so grateful for their efforts.

My girl, Tess, is the one rockin' the side pony tail in the middle of each photo. (I remembered the big camera miraculously, but predictably, the battery was dead. Thank God for the iPhone.)

Tess and her fellow Alcorn Countians did a fantastic job. I'm so glad that they love music.

After the performance we came home to relax a bit because of the big outing.

Her hair turned out just as Gran's hair should. Hopefully, I won't be so shy about it next time.


Anna Becoming

Out and About

We had planned to take Granny out for a drive this past Saturday because it was so beautiful that day but it didn't happen. That's O.K. though. Life doesn't always go as planned (understatement of my life).
So yesterday, Gran was out of the house for the first time since she arrived at our house two weeks ago.

Since baseball season has begun, my man is not able to help get the kids to their after school activities as much as he usually does. With Papa's (Eric's dad and my children's "nanny") help, the kids got home from school. Tess had her piano lesson to go to, I had a bill that needed to be paid, and I wanted to see if I could catch some of the baseball game from the car.

So we, Granny, the children and I, set off at 5pm with the goal of getting to piano practice and paying the bill. If we could get that accomplished then we would be successful. At first Granny asked, "Where are we going?", "Are you taking me home?", "How did I get here?" repeatedly. After I answered them several times, she settled in and seemed to be more comfortable.

We paid our bill through the drive-thru and made it to Mrs. Ginger's just in time for piano. We sat in the car during Tess's 20 minute lesson and enjoyed the sunshine and watched her teacher's 2 dogs chase cars and joggers.

After her lesson, all was going well, so we went out for a hamburger as a treat. We ate in the car so that I didn't have to work on corralling everyone in a restaurant. As we ate we headed over to the baseball field. We pulled up at the top of the hill overlooking the field. Tess and Amelia ran down to help in the concession stand and Ty went to the dug out. I explained to Gran who we were watching and we settled in to enjoy the game for as long as she and Dinah could stand.

Gran mentioned after a bit that she didn't realize how cold it was. I immediately began fussing over her to make sure she was warm. She said, "I'm fine. Look at them though." All of the spectators were wrapped in coats, hats, and blankets. And if they weren't you could tell that they wished they were. So we were happy with our spot in the van.

The view from the hill is a good one. The only thing that is obscured is the first base/center field sight line because of the visitor dug out. The problem with that spot is the possibility, or maybe a better word would be probability of being hit by a foul ball. Our friend and favorite geometry teacher, Scott Parvin, reminded me of the spot on Mrs. Bettie Ketchum's windshield that one hit a long time ago. I laughed and told him that I was aware of the risk and I was taking it. What do we have insurance for if not for foul balls?

As I sat there, I thought of some other baseball fans that watched from their cars on the hill. As mentioned, Mrs. Bettie Ketchum, school board member and faithful Biggersville sports fan, watched as many as she could from there. My dear friends, Mrs. Dick and Mrs. Louann, also watched many a game from their car. I thought about how they didn't let their circumstances and situations interfere with their devotion to their family, friends and community.

As one who tends to shy away from the public and would love to never have to leave her home, I have to fight allowing my care of Gran to be an excuse to check out from life. I just have to find new ways to be present and active in the lives of those close to me and others in my community. I pray that as life changes that with the Lord's help that I will find balance and peace as I travel in this new direction.

I kept Gran out just shy of 3 hours! She never tired, became anxious, or asked to go home. In the car, on the highway, as darkness settled in around us, she looked over at me, laughed and said, "I haven't been out this late in a long time!" Every few minutes she laughed to herself again and would repeat her observation. I smiled with her and thought that, yes, staying out until 7:30 on a school night was the wildest thing that she, Dinah and I had done in a while. We may be out and about more often.

I Need to Clarify

I want to thank you again for following us and praying for us. Your prayers have meant so much and are part of our miracle. Because so many of you have shown such an interest in Gran's health, I wanted to make sure you knew what we are dealing with so that you will know more specifically how to pray for her and us.

I have mentioned before that Granny has dementia. Some use that term interchangeably with Alzheimer's. Dementia is a symptom, where Alzheimer's is a disease. Though I've read that anywhere between 60-70% of dementia cases are Alzheimer's ones, there are many other reasons for a patient to have dementia. That is the case with Granny. Her doctors do not believe that she has Alzheimer's disease. In fact they are rather adamant about it. (I will not say for certain that she does or does not because the only definitive way to diagnose Alzheimer's disease is on autopsy after death.)

Granny had a horrible car wreck about 20 years ago. By human and medical standards, Granny should have died from it. She broke her neck among many other injuries that I won't list here. She really hasn't been the same since that wreck. We also recently found out that she has a lesion on her brain that they believe has been slowly growing over years. She also has dealt with several blockages of the arteries in her neck thus obstructing oxygen to the brain. It is believed that each of or a combination of these problems besides the normal loss of memory with age, that Gran has dementia.

We do deal with some of the things that an Alzheimer's patient has to deal with because they share some of the same symptoms. But Gran doesn't go by the book for anything. :) There are things that I have to tell her over and over again, but there are other things that she surprises me by learning and remembering.

I appreciate all of your help and input. Your suggestions and experiences help so much. I am currently reading a book suggested to me by Susan Smith called, Creating Moments of Joy by Jolene Brackey. It was written for Alzheimer's patients with dementia and although all of it doesn't apply to Gran, I am gleaning what does. I want to create "moments of joy" for Gran. That's what I'm here for.

I found this PDF document online while researching and I found it very helpful perhaps you will too:

Alzheimer’s Disease & Dementia vs.Normal Memory Changes 


Love,
Anna Becoming

What A Difference A Week Makes

Today marks one week that Granny has been here at the Lancaster's house. She has been officially made a Lancaster by Amelia, who while making dinner-time place cards wrote, "Granny Lancaster", for Gran's card. :)

I had written that I was concerned about Sunday coming round and not upsetting her when she asked about church. Well, guess what? She asked, "What day is it?" only once yesterday. It was late and almost time for bed when she did. After I said, "Sunday", I held my breath waiting for her to ask about church but she never did.  Guess what the first thing she asked about this morning (a Monday) over breakfast? "Are we going to church this morning?" Thankfully, I could truthfully say, "No Gran, today is Monday." Poor thing let out a sigh and prayed heavenward, "Thank You, Lord, because I'm too tired to go."

The past few days have shown nothing but improvement. Gran has been staying awake most of the day and sleeping all night without incident in her hospital bed. She has known who I am every day. She recognizes other people as well. She is reading some and has been able to do some other activities as well. For instance, she mashed the bananas for our banana bread yesterday. The "Road To" marathon with Bob Hope and Bing Crosby was a hit also. (The Eric and the kids thought they were funny too. --"Patty Cake , Patty Cake, Baker's Man...."--- You'll have to watch to get that one. )

It has been quite a pleasure to have her with me and to be able to love on her all the time. I have such peace in helping meet her needs. I am so thankful to be able to care for her and I really think that she is doing well here and is improving. She is remembering little things that I would usually have to remind her about. She even asked today, "Am I mending or un-mending?", meaning,  "Am I getting better or worse". I was able to smile and say, "Gran, you are getting better every day." She replied, "Well, I thought so."

Mom came this evening and sat with her so that Eric and I could go to an appointment in Tupelo. Before we came home I stopped in Joann and scoped the aisles for crafts that Gran might be able to do.
I found quite a few things for her to try. I hope she will be as happy about them as I am. If not, I am sure that Tess and Amelia won't mind trying their hand at them.

Thank you for continuing to pray for us.

Anna Becoming

Riding in the Hit Parade

Today, I was "Annie"to Gran most of the day. Granny was especially sharp today. As usual, it took me a bit to catch on to it but once I did, we were  rollin'.

Granny slept in her new "hospital" bed last night. She only asked me about the rails 2 times. After I assured her a couple of times that I was going to be in the bed right next to her and would help her up if she needed to get up, she went right to sleep and had a great night of rest.

Rachel, Henry and Milo came over this morning to sit and visit with Granny while I went to my Saturday morning Bible Study. It was my first time out of the house since Monday. I ran around like a new mom when Rachel got here, showing her all of Granny's things and where to get this and how I do that. 

Our Bible study topic was speech. Well, we talked a lot about talking. :) I'm so glad that we get to meet every week. It is good to meet together and talk about what God is showing us through His word and through the author of the study. I am very thankful to Rachel for coming so that I could still take part.

When I got back home, Rachel helped me get Granny a bath. We don't have a full bath downstairs. Granny did well though with the stairs with both of us beside her. Gran had watched "Mrs. Miniver" with Rachel after breakfast while I was gone. So after her bath, I assumed that she would be tired enough for a nap. She sat in her recliner for 45 min or so trying to doze off with no success. 

I thought that it would be a good time to try some music. Granny is virtually deaf and usually lip reads most of what she gets from conversations so this was a long shot. I really can't understand what she hears and what she doesn't. Some sounds will startle her when others don't make her blink. It was worth a try. Dinah and I danced a bit to the music and Gran thought we were funny. 

I handed Gran the cd cover so that she could look at the pictures of the artists of the songs that were playing. 

I purchased it a while back at Sam's club just for me. I didn't know that we would have an opportunity to listen to it together. It has some Ella Fitzgerald, Tony Bennett (Young Tony), Lena Horne, and Frankie Laine among others. 

She has always loved to read but as of late she just doesn't seem to be able to. She either isn't interested or tries and then gives up. Well, I noticed that she seemed to be reading the paragraphs about the songs and the Hit Parade that were on the inside cover. 

That got me excited. I calmly walked over to get something special. After Eric's mom, Wanda, passed away, these were found among her things. No one else wanted them so I gladly took them.

 Aren't they neat? I love old things. They are Reader's Digests from the 1930's. The stories are still great and it is fascinating to read about the medical progress of the day or the news items. I grabbed one and sank to the chair beside Gran and showed her my treasure.

She said, "Wow, these are really old."

I nodded my head and asked, "Isn't that neat?"

She nodded as well and began to flip through the pages. I busied myself about the room and cast a glimpse her way as often as I could. I was almost holding my breath, hoping that she didn't just lay it on the table beside her chair as she had so many other things that I had offered her in the past few days.

She didn't put it down. She turned the pages for a bit and then settled at the beginning and began to read. And continued to do so for another hour! I was so glad that she was able to find interest in something else. She may not even look at them tomorrow but she enjoyed them today.

I've been hunting things that I think she might like and since the movies are working (She recognized Katherine Hepburn today all on her own), I think we'll keep viewing them as long as it keeps her engaged and happy. I am enjoying the movies myself. They are all ones that I love too. I learned to love them in her living room so long ago.

This evening she was doing so well, that when she lay down to sleep for a bit, I felt comfortable leaving her with Eric and the kids to go to Wal-mart for some needed items. I waded through the teenage crowd in the electronics section to look and see if they had a particular new movie that the kids wanted to see. While I was scanning the racks, I came upon this:

I went ahead and got it for us and we will probably have a mini marathon of "Road To" movies tomorrow. We loved these so much. I haven't seen them in quite some time and look forward to sharing them with her. We used to watch these after Gran had recorded them on her VCR. They would come on in the middle of the night on one of the network channels. (We never had cable. It still doesn't run to Hightown. You can get satellite though.)

I hope that tomorrow is a good day for her too. It is a Sunday as you know. She asks for me to tell her what day of the week it is everyday. I have always been able to tell her what day it is without any trouble, but to say "Sunday" is going to be hard. She has already asked me 4 times tonight, "What time do we need to get up in the morning?" She wants to go to church. I would offer her a worship service right here (I'm not ashamed to preach or sing and I know the Holy Spirit would come if we ask Him) if that would help her, but I am afraid it would confuse her more. It is hard for me to think of good things to say that aren't a falsehood to keep her from thinking about what I can not explain or change. 

There are so many situations that I don't know what to do. I pray that God gives me the wisdom I need while I try to gain knowledge about what is best for her and in line with Him. I pray that He won't mind us dwelling on Bing and Bob tomorrow to keep us from being too upset about being at home when our hearts are with our fellow believers elsewhere. 

Thanking God for all the days with Gran, not just the good days, but they are nice when they come.

Anna Becoming

I'm Anna and I Love You

Well, after two days of relative bliss, yesterday was a hard day. Gran didn't seem to rest well through Wednesday night. When she woke Thursday morning she thought that it was evening time. I couldn't convince her otherwise, despite the sunshine coming through the windows.

When she ate breakfast she asked, "Where's mom?" (referring to my mom). I would answer, "She's at school." Then she would say, "Well, I guess she'll be home pretty soon." I would remind her that it was 8 in the morning. She would look at the clock and say, "Eight in the morning? Oh. I didn't realize..." She would eat a few bites and then we would start again with "Where's mom?"

Later that morning she wanted to know where her purse was. She needed her keys. Where was her car? She told Emily she would pick up Avery and she needed to do something else that she couldn't remember. I tried to tell her that she didn't have her car here, that she doesn't drive anymore. That she doesn't have to get anything for Emily and that Avery is at school. She grew irritated with me. She said, "People think old folks are going crazy but its the young folks that are driving them there." She crossed her arms and sighed. 

As the day went on, she knew less and less of me. She didn't ask me about mom. The feeling that we belonged together left and the feeling of politeness that one employs with a stranger came in. She asked where I came from and wondered who those children (my children) are. For the first time in a long time, I asked, "Do you know who I am?" She stared at me blankly. I answered for her, "I'm Anna."

"You are Anna? I didn't know."

I could tell there was still no connection. "I'm Anna. Darla's daughter. Your granddaughter." I continued. 

"Darla has a daughter?"

"Yes, Gran. Darla has 3 daughters and a son." I tried to explain.

I did my best but she didn't make the connection. She didn't seem as agitated anymore. Just resigned to being where she was and who she was with. If I offered her something, she would say, "Whatever the others are having." 

I mostly suffered for her. I want her to know me and be comforted by my presence. I can't imagine what it feels like to feel like you are in a place you have never been with people you don't know and you don't know how you got there. I can't deny that it hurt my feelings a bit when she kept scooting over on the couch or leaning as far as she could away from us like we were strangers in a hotel lobby. It is the kind of feeling that is natural to have but that you talk yourself out of feeling with rational thoughts like "they don't know", or "they can't help it".  Like when you get off work and go to get your child that you missed so much and they cling to the babysitter. 

Gran continued to struggle with her confusion even in her slumber last night. She spoke, even yelled and reached in the air for hours while she seemed to be sleeping. She would start herself awake and try to tell me what she needed and realize that I couldn't help her with what she wanted and try to go back to sleep. She began to rest quietly around 2 am. 

Today she is back to the "normal"we had established the other day. I'm not sure what she knows or who she knows but she seems content. She is watching another old movie ("Casablanca") this morning. They seem to be the only thing that I can get her engaged in. This morning she has even asked about the actors' names. The same actors' names she taught me so long ago when I watched these movies sitting with her in her rose pink recliner. 

If she could absorb it and it wouldn't confuse her more, I would tell her all the memories like that I have with her in them and most importantly of all, I would say, "Remember, Granny, I'm Anna, Darla's daughter, your granddaughter. You have known me all my life. You have loved me all my life. I'm not just taking care of you. I love you." 

I'm glad though that I don't have to make her remember. I can tell her every day, every hour, every minute if I need to, "Granny, I'm Anna and I love you."

Anna Becoming

Granny Is Here!

First of all, thank you for lifting us up in prayer. They are much felt.

Since Friday, we have been busily preparing for Granny to move in to our home. We cleaned out the extra room, that like any extra room, had accumulated all of our extra stuff that we just didn't take the time to deal with. It is a BIG room. It was a BIG job. If you could have only seen my nephew's eyes when he saw the pile of garbage bags that he and Ty had to carry out to the road. I said, "You should have seen what all I carried to the Lighthouse. He just smiled and silently nodded his head as he went to tackle the job.

With the help of Granny's furniture, some of ours, an electric fireplace, new curtains, lamps and a rug, the room is quite homey. We prepared the room so that Granny wouldn't have to leave it to be cared for. We hired men to build ramps up to the back door so that she could be wheeled in to the house. Another ramp was also installed up to my kitchen from her room so that maybe on good days Granny could eat with us at the table. I was a bit concerned that they weren't going to be finished in time. But at least the men would be there to help us get Granny in the house if we had trouble.

Well, Granny arrived to her room on Monday afternoon. She did it by walking down my front sidewalk and up my front steps!! HELLO, Granny!! I was a bit stunned. Aunt Cathy and Mom said that she was doing better but I didn't quite understand how much. Granny was bright and smiling and though she wouldn't make it too far without assistance from someone or a walker, she was walking. She is strong enough to stand on her own most of the time and she just needs help with direction because she doesn't remember what room to go to.

Dinah has taken to the caregiver role. She has to be with Granny if she isn't sleeping. If Granny gets up to go anywhere, Dinah pushes aside whatever she is doing very quickly so that she can walk in front of Granny's walker and say, "Come on, Granny, " in her sweetest voice. (Don't worry, I make sure she moves quickly enough that she doesn't trip Gran.) She also feels in that she has a right to all the privileges of the one being cared FOR. If I tuck blankets around Granny's lap, Dinah sits beside her and curls up, makes herself shiver and says, "I'm cold. I need a blanket too." She also needs to eat whatever Granny is having even if she has already had her meal.

So far things have been going fantastically well. I am so glad to see Granny feeling better. There are issues that I wasn't prepared for because I thought she would be too weak to go about the house, but God knew all that I and I can trust He will take care of them like He has all the rest.

Once when Eric inquired how our day had gone, he asked, "Do you think she knows who you are?' I told him that I really don't know for sure but I know that she seems happy and content. She hasn't asked to go home or when mom was going to come get her even one time. She doesn't call me by name. I don't ask her if she knows who I am or if she knows where she is, you see, because her memory has no rhyme or reason. But I feel she must know that we belong to each other in some way.

I have had to sleep with her because we don't have the hospital bed yet. Last night, when I thought she was asleep already, I went to climb in to bed with her. My back was to her as I was swinging my legs up and I hear her gruff voice (her voice box was damaged from a tracheostomy she had after a horrible car wreck a long time ago) say, "I didn't say you could sleep with me!" It kind of made me jump and I turned quickly toward her. She lay there grinning. I laughed too and asked politely and she said smiling, "Well, I guess so, just this once."She would have teased me like that a long time ago when as a girl I used to spend the night with her at her house and sleep in that same bed.

She is always very cold so I try to make sure the covers are about her shoulders when I wake in the night. She pulls most of the covers anyway so I shouldn't worry. :) I don't sleep much because I don't want her to try and get up without help. I must have been so tired that I drifted off a bit more than usual on Monday night. I woke once to find her pulling the blankets up around my chin. My granny was taking care of me.

Anna Becoming

It's Not A Burden, It's My Granny

For those of you that don't know, my Granny (Momma's momma) hasn't been doing very well as of late. About a year and a half ago, she had to leave her home and go stay with my mom and then my Aunt. Because of dementia and a body that was growing weaker with age, she didn't need to be by herself. Her mind and body have continued to slowly fade. She recently had a fall which has set many other problems and issues in motion. 

After a hospital visit, a week's (if it was that long) stay at a nursing home, and now another hospitalization, it has been decided that Granny will be moving in with we Lancasters. We are busy now readying our home for her. She should be with us early this coming week. The coming days will be an adjustment for us and I would like to ask you all to pray for us. 

I am a very fearful person. The Holy Spirit is constantly on duty driving away doubt and trembling from my soul. I don't watch the news because I can't bear to think about all the evil. My imagination can go a bit wild at times about what might seem to be something harmless to other people. I am very careful with my decisions because of all the possible consequences I see in the future. 

So, you would think that going to India or Africa on a medical mission would be out of the question. You would think that I wouldn't quit my job when I thought God wanted me to. You would think that the prospect of taking care of my Granny here at home without the help of monitors, aides, and supervision would scare me to death. 

Strangely, when it is something big that I know, that I know, that I know God wants me to to do, I become fearless. I guess it is when it gets SO big that I have no way of handling the situation myself, I quit worrying about how it will get done. I just trust He'll take care of it. I know that I need to know that with the everyday things too, and I'm working on that. But for now I'll just be glad that this right now doesn't scare me. 

This even kind of makes some things make sense that didn't before. Like I told you, I know that God wanted me to quit my part-time job in December. I did. I kept waiting for another job to open up for me but it never did. I tried my best to make it happen for me, thinking He probably needed my help. :)

But I am now in a position to care for Gran when I wouldn't have been before. He brought me to where I needed to be before I needed to be there. Isn't He good? Isn't it wonderful that He surprised me and called me to be a nurse 10 years ago when it had never crossed my mind before?

I realize that what we are about to do is going to be difficult. The longer I live though, the more I'm convinced that nothing worth doing is going to be easy. This will probably try my faith and character more than anything has yet. I can not promise that I will not fail miserably at times. But I am willing to try and be as good of a care giver to her as she was to us.

My children love their Granny and I am glad that they will be able to spend a lot of time with her. They are great kids and I am so proud of them for being so unselfish as to want me to be able to take care of Gran. Eric is being very brave and will be sacrificing much as well. My mom and my aunts will be anxious for us and will have some adjusting to do trusting me with their mom. Would you especially remember and pray for each of them? We will all need courage, strength, patience, kindness, selflessness, and a great deal of love to make this work the way God intended. 

I've been reading The King's Speech by Mark Logue and Peter Conradi. It is about how Lionel Logue, a speech therapist, helped King George with his speech impediment and fear of public speaking throughout the King's adulthood and reign. There are several excerpts of the king's speeches in the book. I enjoy reading them and several of them have portions that touch me greatly. 

One is from King George VI's Christmas broadcast of 1942 when England and the world were at war. He states that President Abraham Lincoln used to tell of a boy who was carrying an even smaller boy up a hill. Asked whether the heavy burden was not too much for him, the boy answered: ''It's not a burden, it's my brother!''

It stuck with me especially this last week or so when I tell people that we are going to be caring for Granny here at home. I know it is in kindness that people gasp and say, "Isn't that going to be hard?"or "How are you going to do that?" But I'd like you not to be afraid for us either. I know you care about me and might want to gently tell me that what is ahead of me will be hard. I know it will be and I know that God will take care of it. He is already working on my support system: my mom, my aunts, my sisters, their husbands, my brother and sister-in-law, a friend to help me with house work, my precious praying friends like you, and on and on. So, when I get discouraged later or am having a bad day, I'd like for you to remind me of what I KNOW. (Only of course after you have listened long and petted me a bit. :))

The best way I know to explain my fearlessness and even excitement about what God is doing and about to do in our lives is that "it's not a burden, it's my Granny".

A picture so you can see Granny in your mind's eye when you pray for her. Oh, and some folks used to call her Nellie, but she's always been Granny to me. God knows wither way. :)

Anna Becoming